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I love my husband but don't like living with my stepson. Would you ask your husb to remove the SS due to problems?

I have been married for 5 years. I love my husband dearly, but there are time when I feel like it's a choice between my SS and me. I would like for him to go and live with his mom, but my DH is against this. She abandon him and his sisters when he was 3 years old and now wants more visitation and rights even though she's only contacted them several times in 6 years. My SS would like to live with her because there aren't any rules. The problem is that he doesn't like to follow our rules and he's especailly against me. espe. What would you do? Continue to ask your DH to remove him? Or continue to live in disharmony? MY SS is very disobedient, deceitful and when asked to do something we always get an attitude. I'm sick and tired of it. Thanks

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3kidsatonce

Asked by 3kidsatonce at 2:15 PM on Jul. 2, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • Sounds like time for some family counciling. That means all of YOU not just DH and SS. All though there is probably a lot your SS is dealing with concerning his mom which he may be taking out on you since you are his current "female role model".
    MythicMMM

    Answer by MythicMMM at 2:18 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • You can't just give up on your stepson. Do you really expect your husband to choose his own child over you? If you are openly expressing your dislike for him then of course he is going to act out. I strongly advise that you all seek family counseling.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:19 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • The father needs to step up to the plate and make the kid understand who the adults are, what respect is about, and how the household will run. You don't need to do any of this.....this is the childs parent's responsibility.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 2:22 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • You should NEVER ask a parent to "get rid of" their child because you can't interact in a structurally sound way. This problem is not stemming from the boy, rather from your husband's lack of support in backing you up as an authoritative figure as well as you not putting in the comitment to make it known that RESPECT is required. You can not parent this boy without being backed up from his father and most of the time it has to be his father to lay down the law because he is your step child and because he is a teenager. However, his father should hold him accountable for speaking rudely, acting poorly, and disrespecting you.
    You need to have a talk with your husband and I honestly suggest reading "FAMILY FIRST" by Dr. Phil. Also, look for a counselor to go to for guidance, there's nothing wrong with having help! SHOOT we all need it.
    momofkearra

    Answer by momofkearra at 2:22 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • I think that when you married him you knew he had a child. I think that it is normal for children to be revelious at certain age. I also think that you sound cold heart and self-centered. I do not know you but a grown up woman who asks a man to choose between her and his children in my opinion is asking for trouble. If his son was using drugs, being violent, or displaying disturbing behavior then I see your point but having an attitude doesn't sound as a reason strong enough to want to dismiss a child just because it upsets you. You in the other hand don't need to live in misery either. Can you suggest to your husband teraphy for him and his son? It is hard, no doubt but somehow it needs to be managed and dismissing a child i snot like getting rid of a dog.
    bebita

    Answer by bebita at 2:22 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • I am a step mom and my son has a step mom. It is the hardest job in the world. We decided in the very beginning that the step parent is just that. The step parent does not do any discipline or ask the child to do anything. We are there for support and that is it when it comes to the child. The reality is that we can not be their parent because they already have parents. Speak to your DH and tell him that you will not be involved in the discipline or anything any more. What we do here is the "parent" tells the child what is expected and in the event the parent is not around and the child does not do what is expected or acts out. We say nothing to the child and discuss with the parent when the return. This gives the step parent a break and lets the parent be the disciplinarian. Of course we support our step children and help them when asked, We all get along much better that way.
    dillonsma

    Answer by dillonsma at 2:26 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • I'd never make my DH choose between me and his children. I'd be the one to leave if we couldn't work it out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:54 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • I agree, it is your husband that needs to intervene here. Sorry but he had this boy before you came on the scene. Teens can be challenging to say the least. You would like you husband to abandon his son too? Believe me if you press that one it could make your husband very resentful of you. You need to get outside help, sit down together and discuss things and pray for an extra measure of love for this teen. The teen may look at this a lot different than you. His mom ditched him. Then his dad married you. That put him in a different place altogether. His dad has a wife that doesn't like him very much. That can be hard. Get the help you need or this problem can come back to bite you for the rest of your life. grannywilson
    grannywilson

    Answer by grannywilson at 3:22 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • Do you realize he could be testing you? He wants to see if you'll abanon him also. His last female role did, so it only a matter of time that you do also. By any means, it is not okay for him to be disrespectful, but at the same time, I'm sure he feels that you don't want him there. That can not be a healthy living environment for him.

    Have a heart-to-heart with DH, ask for his help in getting you son to be respectful. Then you have to pull an honest wait in trying also. Talk to him like a human, not just an annoying kid.

    It is not an easy take, but if you can reach out to him, it will be well worth it in the end.
    mommyaunt412

    Answer by mommyaunt412 at 3:25 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

  • I would not keep asking him to remove his child unless you are prepared to get divorced. I'm not trying to be harsh when I say that, but if I were to remarry and my husband wanted my kids gone, for whatever reason, I'd be packing HIS stuff and sending him on his way. My kids come first.

    I think counseling is a good idea, as is you stepping back and letting Dad tackle the discipline problems and the disrespect. I also agree with the person who said that he might be testing you to see if you are going to abandon him as his mother did. Just be there for him, but let Dad be the bad guy.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 4:56 PM on Jul. 2, 2009

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