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Does anyone else have problems getting dh or SO involved with your kids?

My dh is often distant when he is here and prefers to sit on the couch and yell at the kids or administer spankings when they act up than to be an active parent in their lives. He is always at work or at kung fu trying to become a black belt. Is not here 4 days and nights out of the wk and I am getting sick and tired of being a "single" parent which is the way I feel most days. If I want to go out with friends or go quilting or something else that I enjoy doing he gives me a hard time. He also blames the children's behavior problems on my lack of consistency and discipline not on his lack of involvement in there lives.

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dizzy77702

Asked by dizzy77702 at 1:54 PM on Jul. 3, 2009 in Relationships

Level 6 (106 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • Yeah you have to be consistent, and you and he both have to be consistent. My husband never took the initiative with the children. He would help if I asked, but not do anything without my asking or prompting. He felt this was the way of the world, that the wife brought up the children. So it could be what is going on in your family. Tell him that unless he gets involved, and especially on outings and play with the children, that their memories of him will not be of good times and love. He is wasting wonderful and precious years when he could be influencing human beings to be good and loving people, productive people. The years will go and then what- the time is gone, never to be visited again. He is a father and needs to act like a father and not a teen. Tell him this in a kind way so he doesn't lose face. Say that you love him and are concerned and want him to enjoy being a dad.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 2:04 PM on Jul. 3, 2009

  • You are not a 'single' parent until you have to provide for all bills and food and struggle as a single mom so don't go there. Just bc you do what men think is "woman's work" in the home doesn't make you single. In the past women did all you are doing and appreciated their man for going outside the home and working so she could have a home. Quit bitc*ing about what he doesn't do and appreciate what he does do. He probably thinks he's doing it all by working. I did all the home and kid stuff when married then when I divorced I had to literally do it all bc he wouldn't pay child support so I know the difference and lady, you have no idea what you are talking about when you say you feel like a single mom. You have no clue. Tell the man what you want from him. Accept and appreciate what he gives to the family or get out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:33 PM on Jul. 3, 2009

  • Well it's not the past^^^...anyway I feel like that too sometimes. We both work but I take care of kid and TRY to take care of home, lol. Like this morning I had to run an errand and sit down with someone and he couldn't even wake up and watch the baby for 30 min while I left (he slept til noon) and I was so pissed! Some men just don't get it. But it's like what are you going to do? I love him and he is great in every other area. I just might not have any other children, lol.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:58 PM on Jul. 3, 2009

  • My dh works long hours 60+ a week, comes home plays with the kids while I cook. Mows the lawn on Sunday morning, fixes what needs fixing, pays all the bills, and still does me right every night before bed. It's like that now anyway...A year ago he couldn't get off the couch he was in so much pain. Definately couldn't go to work let alone help with our children. So, I've been "blessed" with both sides of the life. Felt single when I wasn't and was single with children before dh. I did it all at 17 years old having one child and finished school, worked a full time job. Paid my own bills and not under mommys roof, but my own. I've been here and there. So instead of being all "what life used to be like" have some compassion! But, to be perfectly honest some men are just like that! Talk to him and tell him what you need and how you feel. I told my dh I thought it was sexy for him to cook, clean,take care of the kids, he was on it!
    luvbnmomnwife

    Answer by luvbnmomnwife at 3:06 PM on Jul. 3, 2009

  • Are these kids his kids too? Are you married to this selfish man? Are you okay with the way your life is going?
    If you've answered yes to two out of the three I'd say you need to sit him down and have a talk with him about the changes that are coming.
    It takes both parents paying attention to the children and disciplining them in constructive ways, both need to be loving and giving with the children too.
    My hubby wouldn't be gone 4 nights a week unless he worked the night shift... that just wouldn't work for me and our family. I'd be telling him he needs to start acting like he's your partner and a father or he needs to find another place to call home because this way isn't working for you, him or the kids.
    What he's doing to the kids is just as bad and even worse than you not being consistant. Emotional scars last a lifetime.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 4:42 PM on Jul. 3, 2009

  • Um, your husband works all week and is the breadwinner of the family...I don't blame him for wanting to relax when he comes home. Let him have his down time.

    You do need to be consistent with your children, and so does he.

    You are not a "single mother". Stop being so dramatic.

    Talk to your husband about this and devise a weekly schedule where you both get time to yourselves and away from the kids.

    Consider getting a sitter a few times a week for a few hours at a time so you can rest and relax.
    Mousuke

    Answer by Mousuke at 2:57 PM on Jul. 4, 2009

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