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Should I cut my Mom out of our lives?

This is a complex question.Please no harrassing answers. I am a 40 yr old woman w/2 kids w/behavioral challenges. I have had a hard life. My family is non supportive emotionally. When I was a kid my dad beat me up and my mom would hold me down. My mom divorced my dad when I was a teen and started taking me to mental health people who dxed me incorrectly and shoved drugs in me (that made me feel worse). My mom told me that I had no future and put my on public assistance. Since then I fought to get out from under her control. Was able to get married and have my own family. I started seeing a counclier on my own and she told me that we ALL play a role in our families and this has been my role. My Mom is now telling me that my kids are going to end up in juvie. My kids have challenges but I still tell them that they can be whatever they want when they grow up. Is it time to cut her out of my life???

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:50 PM on Jul. 5, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • TessL...
    If the only things she adds to your life is negativity then YES. It is a hard choice but we all have the choice of who is in our lives, even with our family. Making such a choice can be one of the hardest things you may ever do but then again it may end up being the best decision you ever make.

    Sometimes when we reach a point where a person in our life only brings the negative and it looks like they are unable to change, it is time to let go.

    Good luck with your decision. Decide what is BEST for you and your kids and go with it no matter what anyone else may say about it. Listen to your heart.
    TessLouise

    Answer by TessLouise at 2:56 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • Gosh! I am shocked and sickened by her participation in your being beaten. It sounds as though she is lethal in your life. Even so, if you decide to not shut her out. I'd sure never let my children be alone with her, and when she starts that juvie stuff I'd collect the children and leave. I'd say this has to be totally your own decision. Perhaps your counselor can offer guidance, or a religious adviser.
    When you consider excluding her, think about 10 years down the road if you would regret or be happy with the decision. Does the thought of shutting her out make you feel relieved or sad? I'm sorry that I don't have a recommendation.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 2:58 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • Wow, she has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. Keep your children away from her until they can understand things better she might hurt them the same way she has hurt you. For now I would keep my distance, dont feel guilty, your kids shoulg always go first.
    Yve538

    Answer by Yve538 at 3:12 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • If she is going to bring all that same negativity to your children then I would. Tell her to stop it or go away. I told my dad that and he said he didn't realize he was doing it. He stopped saying negative things after that and it went well for us...until he died.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:38 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • I just want to clearify something my mom never beat me. She has been cruel but in very manipulitive ways. When I would try and tell mental heath people that I was physically abused (when I was a teen and young woman) she would tell them that was not true. They just thought I was simply crazy. She was abused by my dad too and did not always hold me down.
    She left my dad,when I was a teen that is when she started telling me I was crazy. She has labeled me and my kids and talks bad about us to other family members. She usually does not say negitave things to my face but today told me that she believes my kids are headed to juvie. My kids are only 9 and 5 years old but she has them labeled as lost causes already-reminds me of something. Huh,I am so angry and soo hurt. You know,when was me I felt like okay,I have never really had any control but now she has my kids pegged-I'm livid!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:48 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • Well, I think your mother has some real insecurity issues. I dont feel its ever right to dishonor a parent for any reason. Does that mean we allow them control and manipulate us? NO, not at all. We accept them like they are but we also set boundaries. I think one of those boundaries is letting your mom know that you love her and want her in your life (if thats indeed true) but you dont want her opinions or negative confessions over your children. I think I would say to her...if you cant say something nice, then dont say it at all. Let her know that these are your children to raise and that youre going to do it just fine. I feel for some reason that your mom is trying to hold you down because shes jealous or something to that effect. I cant imagine why a mother would work so hard to keep her child down. A lot of times people hate the way their lives are going but instead of getting out of their boat, they drag others into it.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 4:03 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • Anyway, its really up to you and how you would feel if she wasnt around but maybe its time for a serious come to jesus meeting with her. See where she stands. Find out if she really wants to be a part of your life in a positive way.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 4:05 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • Find out if she really wants to be a part of your life in a positive way. If not keep her in your life but not so much that its over wheleming and keep praying for her. God can change anyone. If you look at me and half the people in my church you can see that God changed us for the better and it only took a few people out reaching and praying for us and the Love and Grace of God to change us. Nobody has a perfect life. Its how we deal with what we got that makes it worth the trip. Hang in there and keep praying for your mother and your family and kids.
    Chize

    Answer by Chize at 4:48 PM on Jul. 5, 2009

  • I just have to say this . . . you say your mom "did not always hold you down" . . . once is way too many times! There are no excused for a woman to treat her child in such a manner . . . ever. As a mom we are supposed to protect our children at all costs.
    TessLouise

    Answer by TessLouise at 9:54 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

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