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Meeting ur real parents for the first time?

I found my real dad in a state jail and he gets out in febuary and i am scared to meet him the last time i seen him was when i was 5 and my mom left him without a word i dont remember him at all and i would like to get to know my father and his family. His dad is dead and his mom is getting old so i want to b4 she dies to. Has anyone ever meet a parent they dont know? how did it go? What do u talk about? should i take my kids the first time or wait tell i get to know him? My dad was adopted as a kid so really i have 2 grandmas to meet and im just scared

 
Lacrisha

Asked by Lacrisha at 3:15 PM on Jul. 6, 2009 in Adoption

Level 7 (171 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • Humble Pie Alert, Ladies!


    I believe this young lady put this in the adoption category, because her step-dad adopted her. This is more of a divorce situation, and may not be the typical adoption scenario that we are all used to here. It appears that her mom and step-dad raised her, and now that she is 18 with 2 babies, she wants to meet her dad. (I think empathy comes before educating on politically correct terms, in this situation.)


    Onethentwins-Do you have people in RU group who are in divorce situations reuniting with birth parents? I am sure there are still helpful stories, just wondering how many like in her situation.


    I, too, jumped the gun on this one, and deleted my original response. It helps to view the profile, LOL!

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:22 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Hi. Congrats on finding your father. I'm at the other end of things to you. I am reunited with the son I gave up for adoption. I run a group here on cafe mom called "Adoption Reunion". There are plenty of adoptees there that you can talk too. it's an open group if you want to just lurk for a while.  http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715 I don't think you should take your kids on first meeting. It's very intence and they might make it more difficult for you to talk. Good luck!

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:00 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • oh and fyi. Using the term "real" to describe a parent is not considered politically correct in adoption as it could hurt the other parent who then feels "unreal", or the adoptee who considers both herself a real family member to both birth and adoptive family. Birth or natural parent, and Adoptive Parent are the common terms. Hope you don't mind me telling you but some people here can get really upset about it :)

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:05 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • I was also going to suggest the group that onethentwins mentioned....and comment on the use of the word "real." Using the word "real" might be hurtful to the people who raised you. An adoptee has two sets of parents. The biological and the adoptive. None are more "real" than the other, they simply have different, but important roles. I have a biological mother somewhere out there but my adoptive-parents are the ones who raised me. I can't belittle what they mean to me in my life by calling someone else my "real" parents.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 2:12 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Lacrisha,  if you feel comfortable using the word, that's what matters, only you know what you deal with in your situation. 

    EleeB

    Answer by EleeB at 3:57 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Lacrisha, Wow! 18 with 2 beautiful babies! Congrats on your new little one! On your question, it is normal (from what I hear) to be a bit apprehensive about your meeting. Since you haven't seen him in over 13 years, and may not know what went on between your parents back then, I would say to meet in a public place, maybe take your SO, and NOT the kids the first time (maybe some pictures.) Do you know why he has been in jail? Is it "safe" for your family for you to meet him? What about meeting your grandma first? What does your Mom say about meeting him? Just curious. I want it to be a "good" meeting for your sake.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:15 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • You breathe and take it one moment at a time. Step by step and minute by minute you just do what you know to be right for you. It must be partially exciting and scary at the same time. A relationship takes time and it will be an adjustment for the both of you. Not only is he learning about who you are as an adult woman with two children he will also be acclemating to living outside of prison. Both are pretty big jobs. Both are hard in their own way and both are also exciting. Imagine how he may feel meeting you. I can just picture a man who might not think that he is good enough for you and his beautiful grandchildren with his background. You may have to have patience and reassure him that you are very much interested in him and your family from his side. Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. Just be who you are and let the rest come. It is a two way street so remember he will be trying to. Good luck and hugs.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:47 PM on Jul. 7, 2009