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My Mom has come to live with us. She is 76 I would like to know how I find time for my self and time wih my husband and not feel so bad all the time about this.

I go to water aborics every day. I take her were she needs to go all the time. I do every thing for her. She can do thing for her self. My husband and I try to go out very Friday night that has always been what we call "Date Night " for about 30 years. That how long we have been married. It has started to cause some trouble between us. He think we should just be able to do what we did before she came. I think some of that is true but we can't be all day long with ask her if she wants go He says NO! I sure hope some out there can Help with this!!!!

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Kittykate

Asked by Kittykate at 9:05 PM on Jul. 6, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • Maybe your mom doesn't want a babysitter. I know if my adult children had to take me in I'd be thrilled if they would go off and leave me in peace.I like quiet. I like being alone. Ask mom what she wants. Don't be hurt if she says go with her blessing and get out of her hair! lol
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:11 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • Well my mama moved in with my husband and I after my daddy passed away last year. But she is only 63. She still works, and goes and does things on her own. She is even nice enough to take our 5 year daughter out sometimes so we can have the house to ourselves. I really wish I knew what to tell you. Does she have any friends that she could spend sometime with on Friday nights? Or do you have any siblings who she could stay with for a weekend? I know that at 1 point it will get where my mama can't drive herself anymore and it will be up to me, but hopefully I will have a few years. Good luck.
    TeriMelisa

    Answer by TeriMelisa at 9:13 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • Why is she living with you? Can she be left alone? My mom lived with us when she had cancer and yes it was hard. I was her caretaker until a few months before she passed. I was crushed to have to put her in a nursing home because i couldn't take care of her. If your mom can stay by herself then go ahead and go out a couple times a week, Do not stop doing what you are used to doing. If it is iffy, just remember, she will not be here for much longer and then you will have no mother. Also think of what you would want for your kids if they were to have to care for you? If you do have to stop most extra activities, just remember it won't be forever. She is the only mom you have.
    itsmesteph11

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 9:20 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • Moving out of one's house is traumatic at any age, especially for an older person, since it can signal a permanent end of independence. For some seniors it also means that they want to sit back and be helped for the rest of their lives, when they really should be encouraged to do as much as they can for themselves. Probably when your mom visited before, you treated her as a guest and did everything for her. She needs to understand, in my opinion, that she is not longer a guest but a member of the household, she needs to have her share of tasks- whether just caring for her own laundry and room or actually helping with general household work. You and your husband should have your date night as always. He is still your main concern. If she can't be on her own then hire someone to sit with her. You are beautiful for taking your mom in and caring for her as you are.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 9:21 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • MY MOM HAS LIVED WITH US FOR 24 YEARS NOW, SHE DID SO THE DAY MY DAD DIED UNEXPECTEDLY. SHE IS NOW 90 AND HAS SOME KNEE PAIN AND FELL AND BROKE HER HIP. I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF HER, EVEN WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER SHE NEEDED ME AS MUCH AS SHE NEEDED MY DAD, I KIND OF TOOK OVER FOR HIM BECAUSE SHE HAS NEVER BEEN AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN, AND THIS IS THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE ALWAYS RESENTED. BUT YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER SO I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE THE BEST OF THE SITUATION.
    I FEEL THAT THE LEAST I CAN DO IS TAKE CARE OF HER WHEN SHE NEEDS ME, AFTER ALL SHE TOOK CARE OF ME WHEN I NEEDED HER. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN SO WONDERFUL ABOUT IT, AND I THINK THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE RIGHT THERE. I CREATED A PATTERN, I GO TO THE BEACH ON SUNDAYS WITH HUBBY AND GO ON DATE NIGHT ON SATURDAYS. IT IS DIFFICULT TO LEAVE TOWN WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT HER, BUT THEN AGAIN SHE WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING WHEN I WAS SMALL. CONT...
    older

    Answer by older at 8:19 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • SHE HAS BEEN MY RIGHT HAND AND PART OF MY LEFT AS FAR AS HOUSEHOLD CHORES WERE CONCERN, NOW THAT SHE IS UNABLE TO DO SO SHE GETS DEPRESSED, BUT I TRY TO INCLUDE HER IN CHORES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. NOW I DO THE LAUNDRY, BUT I GIVE HER THE CLOTHES TO FOLD. I HELP HER TO THE KITCHEN IN HER WALKER SO SHE CAN FEEL USEFUL DOING LITTLE THINGS. I SEE IT AS A PRIVILEGE NOT A BURDEN, NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE GET TO DO FOR THEIR PARENTS WHAT THEIR PARENTS DID FOR THEM, OR EVEN F THEY COULD THEY ARE TOO BUSY WITH THEIR OWN LIVES AND CAST THEM ASIDE. WHAT YOU ARE DOING FOR YOUR MOM IS THE RIGHT THING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL HONORED INSTEAD OF BURDEN. THERE IS ONLY ONE MOTHER FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US, THIS AND FOR MANY OTHER REASONS SHE IS SPECIAL, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE FOR YOUR KIDS TO TREAT YOU THE SAME ONE DAY? YOU CAN WORK THIS OUT WITH A LITTLE PLANNING AND LOTS OF LOVE!
    older

    Answer by older at 8:26 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • I think it is great that you are able to have your mom live with you. I think your hubby needs to realize that things did change, your mom is part of the family now. He needs to take her into consideration and should try to include her in outings too. Is your mom able to be left alone? How would she feel if you and your husband did have a 'date night' once in a while? Would she be ok being alone? Do you have family in the area that could help out? Maybe a sibling who could take mom out for supper while you and your hubby go out? Or maybe a family member to stop over and visit with mom while you and hubby are out.
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 1:57 PM on Jul. 7, 2009

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