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I really need help being a Step Mother

My 11 year old step son came to live with us in Oct/2008. We asked him to never lied and do good in school. He didnt follow on it. He has all F's on his school. His teacher told me he is always lying about everything and gives them nothing but excuses about homework and he lies about everything. His mother said she doesnt want him, because he was causing problems with her husband. But he is causing problems in my marrige. He called child services on me once. I did slap his hand, when the corner store got him stealing. So today he is always telling me if I treat him bad he will call the cops.I cant take it anymore I love my husband but his kids is really making me think divorce. Yes Iam willing to walk away I have a 2 year old with my husband but i dont want to live like this. My step son only seem to like me when I buy him toys or take him to movies. He is 11 years old, how is he going to be when he is 16 years old HELP

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Asked by misslobo at 9:18 PM on Jul. 6, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (13)
  • i am a step child. its hard-seeing your parents with someone that is not your parent (actually, my step mom and i are super close now and talk several times a day). but i went through that. IMO-go to family counceling (sp?). maybe that will help things. if you ever want to message me, i can at least be someone for you to talk to if nothing else. i no longer look through the eyes of only a stepchild, but now also as a mother and i would be happy to call my mom (my step mom but i call her mom) and see if i can get some tips from her for you......Lord knows between me and my brother we didnt make it easier for her when we were kids-but we are all closer than ever now :) THERE IS HOPE FOR THE FUTURE MOMMA! DONT GIVE UP! :)

    Answer by SThompson21 at 9:25 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • I too had a step father since I was 5. It is harder from the child point than you think. And now knowing his mom didn't want him has to be heart breaking. He seems to be acting out for attention and love. Try talking with a family or school counselor for serious advice. He is troubled and dont know how to deal with it. He has given up on himself and life dont give up on him. Good luck and hope things get better.

    Answer by leovirgo_mom3 at 9:30 PM on Jul. 6, 2009

  • My son is 11 and he needs to have help with his homework and also help with organizing himself and his belongings. My goal is for him to eventually be able to do it himself, but at this point if I left him on his own with school he would be failing too. He does all of his own work, but he needs me to remind him to do it, to sit with him and make sure he does it, and to keep in touch with his teachers about long term assignments. If he was failing and not doing his homework, I am sure he would lie about it to try to stay out of trouble. His mother has all but abandoned him, chosen someone else over him...and now he is in your care. He needs the attention he is craving! Try to prevent the problems with school work before they start....make homework time a special time for him where you (or his Dad) pay attention to him while he does it. Don't give him a chance to lie about school work. continued...

    Answer by BJoan at 11:11 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • This boy may have ADD or something like that, and that could be making the school work harder for him to complete. Or, it could have something to do with the fact that he has been tossed around by his mother...and he has to push the limits to see how significant he is..he could be testing you and his father. Somehow, he needs to feel that his place in that home is solid and permanent and basically that there is nothing he can do to lose his place there. Unfortunately, that is really NOT the case, and he may be sensing you are right, under these conditions his behavior will only get worse. Is there any way you can open your heart to him and show him some unconditional love and acceptance. Have fun with attention to him....encourage him! That is what he, like every child, needs. It may be harder with him because he has been effected by his mother and his life up to this point, but don't give up too soon.

    Answer by BJoan at 11:15 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • There are counselors who specialize in step-families; I'd contact one ASAP.

    Answer by happytexasCM at 11:37 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Has he been evaluated by a child psychiatrist? I know it seems he may be "misbehaving," which may be the case. But there may be a more serious issue. These behaviors are not normal for an 11 yo. He could be bipolar, or have ODD, CD, etc. His own mother doesn't want him.. how do you think that makes HIM feel.. He's still a little boy who clearly hasn't been taught how to express his emotions properly and his own mother kicks him out.. This is actually really sad. This is a kid screaming for love and attention.. even if it's negative attention. You want to help. Get him evaluated quickly. Speak with a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, neurodevelomental pediatrician, etc. Find out if he has a biological disability or emotional disturbance. Once you find out what's wrong, you can then treat it. Don't lose your marriage and your family over this. It can be fixed.

    Answer by CoolGirlChris at 1:49 PM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • P.S. Don't give up. You can do this. Good Luck. :)

    Answer by CoolGirlChris at 1:52 PM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Your step son has alot of issues that obviously his bio parents never bothered to take care of. First off my guess would be that the divorce was very hard on him and if no one bothered to talk to him about this he may feel like it's his fault. Both of his parents are not with other partners. Has anyone talked to him about this? Did any of the 4 of you think about his feelings before your own? His father has another child with you, does his mother have another child as well? He may feel like it totally being left out of everything in both relationships. Especially if you and your DH dote on your child together. He needs some type of counceling. I feel bad for him if his mother has told him to his face she doesn't want him because he's ruining her marriage. Not good for a child to hear. Call the pediatrician and get some help for him before it's too late.

    Answer by frenzied at 3:58 PM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • My ss moved into our house when he was 12 because he was having major problems with his mother's boyfriend. The idea that if he moved in with his dad and his new brother he would do better. He had alot of problems. It did cause alot of problems between my husband and I but at the same time I took on alot of the school problems because I wanted what was best. He moved out a year later and continued to have problems. My husband blames me for what happened a few years later when he died unexpectaly. So my advice is try to work things out whether it is counseling or spending more time just with him. Stop and think about what he is feeling because now I wish I had.

    Answer by robinsi2000 at 7:43 PM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Try to find common interests and tryto be his friend first. Remeber children are vey bright they need security like everyone else. He may be feeling the effects of being shuffled, try family counseling......I have to stepchildren and I am considered a mommy friend

    Answer by 7thdayBeauty at 9:38 PM on Jul. 7, 2009

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