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Suffering.........about something that i wish would not bother me

I have become good friends w/ my fiance's, best friends wife. My SO has known them for 20 + years. She recently posted some old pics of them, way before i was around. I always notice this one beautiful lady in all the pictures, but i have never met her. Yesterday as i was looking at another bunch of older pics she posted, I noticed that lady again. All of a sudden, out of no where i thought "he slept with her". You may think I'm crazy, but i just intuitively knew, also this was way before he even knew i was alive. So, i went home & i confronted him about it. He looked like he's seen a ghost. He admitted that yes he slept with her a LONG time ago (how did i know that?). It's now killing me. I always look at old pics of girls & run into people he's slept with. I HATE that he was such a whore in his past, for some reason it really bothers me. It doesn't help that all those woman were hotter than me.


Asked by Anonymous at 8:53 AM on Jul. 7, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I think you are angry because promiscuity is against your values and frankly, it's disgusting. There's nothing wrong with you mentally. You are trying to force yourself to accept something that feels basically wrong to you. Also, your statement that you wished you had whored around so he would know how it feel to you, tells me you don't feel like he acknowledges your concern. You are trying to sweep it under the rug. If he told you he regretted it, it might help. If he said it was a mistake you could forgive him and move on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:37 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • OP HERE:

    Why does this bother me so much? I all of a sudden feel so ugly. I wish i had slept with more men so he can know what it feels like to be with a whore. That's how i think of him....he was a such a slut! I HATE seeing pics & running into all these women he's screwed. It makes me sick. How do u get over this, besides this bull.....we have a wonderful peaceful relationship. How do i fix my jealousy & low self esteem?????!!!!!?????

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:56 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • hate to say it but u need to grow and see that u have a good realtionship and be happy with it, did u have others? cause u cant down him for having a life before u just as he cant down u for haveing one. the past is the past. i am married now but before we took that leap i was friends with my husbands x girlfriend and i knew he loved her and i was ok with that she is a wonderful careing women she had her proublms and found out an addiction which she tried to stay clean but it was hard for the end she broke up with him and he was upset. but again life gose on. he moved on and so did she. i am also friends with his x wife well least we chat.. but everything was in the past i dont care that he had a life or sex before me as he feels the sameway. if u keep freaking out about it he will distence himself and wont tell u anything in fear of an over reaction.. dont harp on him it was a thing long ago. he didnt do anything bad.

    Answer by tabbys4 at 9:07 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • That is his past. As long as it's his past and he is no longer being a "whore" then let it go. Don't even discuss it anymore if you can't handle it. He must just be a guy who likes sex. Let it go. I have heard professionals say before that you shouldn't discuss the number of people you've slept with with your current SO or go in details about dating. Now I don't think this is true in all cases. I think if you and your partner can handle the truth and be okay with it then its okay- but in your case, you can't handle it so no more discussing it. If your not comfortable with how you look then go get a make over, get your hair cut and colored, nails done, keep your make up looking good but natural and if you need to drop a few pounds then start walking, or bike riding, or hit the gym or something. But no more talking about past relationships.

    Answer by amy31308 at 9:09 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • I have only had one other. I don't understand why people want to sleep around, i just never got that. I understand people are different, but it's just something i personally never understood fully. I think that makes it much harder. Thank you for your reply though.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:11 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Think about it as if it were someone in your distant past. Those days are gone. These days you have a good relationship. Look forward. Think who is with him now, you are, so who is the more attractive? It is you!

    Answer by Bmat at 9:13 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • WE all have pasts. You need to realize that even if sex wasn't involved there are pasts. You need to grow up and see what you have now. Is he committed to you? Then let it go. Why waste energy on things you cannot change at all? You may end up damaging the relationship and it will be your fault. You sound immature and unknowing of how things work. Find confidence in yourself and your love. 

    PS you can't keep points on what anyone did in the past or their sexual partners.  That's just not fair, and you will tear yourself up.  People grow, change, and find true love.  If they had other partners, that is part of life. Most of us do have pasts. 


    Answer by Teachermom01 at 9:15 AM on Jul. 7, 2009


    Maybe i am being immature, that really is not like me. I know most of this stems from lots of insecurities i've gained from a horrible childhood & family life. Part of my struggling with this, is that i am struggling with this. I HATE how i am reacting, but it just wont go away. I'm starting to think that i have mental problems, when i thought i was totally normal. I know all this sounds lame.....i know how lame it is. I just can't make it go away. I feel plagued w/ being pathetic.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:25 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • Try and focus on the fact that he chose YOU. He didn't choose them to marry. You were the one that he wanted to spend his life with. He was probably confused as a younger man not knowing what he wanted. Sometimes people use sex as a substitute for real intimacy. And when he met you, you had something special that meant more than a conquest or a sexual relationship. He truly fell in love with you. Forgive him of his past mistakes with these women. If the whole situation were in reverse and you had multiple partners and he didn't - you would be wishing he'd do the same for you. Love him for who he is now. Let the past go.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 9:27 AM on Jul. 7, 2009

  • You really can't judge him for choices he made before you were together. Instead, look at the time you have spent together. If he is still being a 'slut' when you're together, that is one issue- but if he had a questionable past before meeting you and then became faithful, that says something GREAT about you, that you were the one he wanted to commit to! If that's the case, then try to let the past go and focus on what you have.

    Answer by Freela at 9:51 AM on Jul. 7, 2009