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Honor his wishes or let it go?

Very long story short my husband hasn't talked to his mother in years. He converted and is now Catholic. With Michael Jackson's memorial today we got to talking. He will have a Catholic funeral (duh what did he think I was going to do?) and his mother was not to be at his funeral. I told him I would not honor that request and if he wanted it done I suggest he write a letter and instruct it to be delivered to his mother upon his death because I am not going to be the monster daughter in law who refused to let a mother grieve. Am I out of line? His mother is not Catholic if that matters.


Asked by Anonymous at 1:41 AM on Jul. 8, 2009 in Religion & Beliefs

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • I agree with everyone else - if he doesn't want her there, it's HIS job to be the jerk, not yours. I can't understand why ANYONE would not want someone at their funeral - regardless of what was done in life. That's just not right. Funerals are for those still left on earth, not for the deceased. They're not usually around to see what's going on, anyway.

    Answer by jennijune_21 at 9:13 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • IMHO, you are not out of line. Since he knows what his wishes are now before-hand, he needs to make them clear to his own mother, not passively expect you to pit yourself against her after his death. I don't think it is fair of him to put you in that position. When he does pass some day, should she ignore his wishes, it is not your job (again IMHO) to police the funeral. She would be the one ignoring his wishes by attending, not you.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 2:18 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • I agree with NovemberLove 100%
    If he doesnt want her there he better write her a letter AND make a statement in his will.

    Answer by outstandingLove at 3:09 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • First off, who's to say he will die first? This conversation is really something that may not even matter. Now, I guess there is always the chance to accident so, it's at least good to know. But to be honest I would just drop the subject. IF he dies first why not ask his mother not to come in to the Church, just the grave, funeral home or wake... Since the issue between them seems to be a religious one - WHICH IS REDICULUS!!! - Just ask her not to be involved in the religious part. But chances are she will die first.

    My real question to you is WHY hasn't he spoke to his mom?? I mean, I'm Pagan, My mom is Jehovah's Witness... There are not two more opposit faiths, but that doesn't mean we don't speak. There are times I wish we didn't, but it's got nothing to do with religion. If he doesn't take some steps to correct things there, and she does go first... Hmmm... I smell guilt!!!

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 9:30 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • Sabrina, first of all nobody said he will die first or even anytime soon. I assure you we do not sit around and plan our deaths. It came up because of MJ's funeral. I thought about this yesterday and I have no intention of telling his mom he is not allowed at her son's funeral. If he wants this done he will make arrangements of letting her know. If the unfortunate happens I don't need the added grief of stopping his mother at the church doors.

    With all due respect, as to why they are not talking, it isn't fair to tell my husband's problems online. If he wants to talk abou this mom online he can join cafedad :-} I will tell it is not religion. She was at our wedding in a Catholic Church, the kid's baptisim and his conversion.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:46 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • Although, I am not sure he would have converted if this feud with his mom hadn't been in place. The rift between his mom started a few years before I met him and esculated until nobody was talking. Over the years they patched things to the point of being cordial but he hasn't talked to her since his grandpa died a few years ago. Around 5 years ago they started to patch things up, she asked what we wanted for Christmas. (she hadn't gotten us gifts for 10 years and now she wanted to know what we wanted for Christmas??) My husband said, we would like one phone call a month asking how we are doing and if we call you more than a few words before you hang up. She agreed but I still have not seen one phone call and if we call her there is always a reason why she can't talk. I called her a few months ago to invite her to the children's confirmation. She was in Maryland. Glad she cared enough to tell us.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • If my husband asked, Id honor his wishes yet have him write a letter explaining his reasonings to his mother.

    My husband had to do that very thing at his mothers funeral, only it was one of his brothers. It was her wish and he obeyed because he loved and respected her.


    Answer by Amaranth361 at 10:54 AM on Jul. 8, 2009