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20 yr old living back at home- will not put the effort into finding a job!

I put my 20 yr old son out of the house 4mos ago because he would not find work and he trashed my house with his friends after numerous warnings to stop the behavior or he would have to live elsewhere. He chose not to comply, so he had to leave. He left and stayed with a friend and now he is back. I explained to him that he would have 3 weeks to get a job, or due to the job situation we are all facing, make a great effort ato find one. He is putting in minimal effort, 5 applications in 2.5 weeks with no follow up. I offer to take him around, since he has no car, he refused the 2nd attempt. The rest of the time he is with his friends, hanging out, eating all the food.He gets disrespectful if I even bring it up to him. I told him that he would have to find another place to stay if he kept it up. I thought that this would motivate him, but it is not working!!! Any advice???thanks

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Asked by dsweet01 at 9:04 AM on Jul. 8, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (10)
  • Tell him he needs to follow up with those 5 applications he put in and if nothing good comes out of it, he needs to put in 5 more applications and follow up with those. If he refuses or doesn't follow through, tell him its time for him to find somewhere else to live. Also maybe tell him if he wants to eat he needs to buy his own food and if his friends come over he needs to supply the food for them too or at least give you money to replace what they eat. Stick to your guns and don't let him walk all over you! Good luck!

    Answer by austinsmama1106 at 9:10 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • Kick him back out. What is happening right now amounts to only enabling. Don't let him come back. You are not helping... my husband and his brother pulled this crap with their mother for years and still do, and she still lets them. In fact, I just found out my husband lied about working last week, and I dropped him off at his mom's with all his stuff on the way to work this morning (the lie wasn't the only factor). She will do this with them until she dies. They will continue to take advantage of it.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 9:13 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • Come Friday if no efforts have been made go into his room and "collect" on the rent. Take something of great value to a tv or video game system or all his pants...whatever you think is appropriate. Tell him he can have things back when efforts and attitudes change! Then in a week decide if he gets things back or if you need to collect again...eventually he will either comply or leave...if he chooses to leave you keep what you have collected do not give it back till he has earned them back!!!

    Answer by Rebecca727 at 9:20 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • I think you should kick him out again and if he wants to come back then he needs to have a job.....
    I completely agree with whatfigaro8895 has said.

    Answer by raemommy at 9:23 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • He's getting free food from you right? and free - cable tv even if not in his room but from somewhere in the house, free phone house and or cell? stop bying snacks and soda for him even yourself cut back alot, turn of cable everywhere but your bedroom (you don't have to tell cable why and you will be able to turn it back on later), turn off the house phone and use your cell as contact leaving him his cell for someday job callbacks and emergency (you can cut down his cell service minutes) ...

    you're providing him with a cushiony comfy nice home cooking and cleaning too - why should he get a job when you giving him every thing?

    I did this to my daughter - it works.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:12 AM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • Well, if he is living there and has no options tell him he is free labor and start making him do everything around the house. OR get the hell out. Just think. You raised him. :)

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:29 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • It is a hard thing but he just has to get out. I understand the fact that the ecomomy is hard for finding a job. But the disrepectful stuff and trashing the house is just not tolerable. He feels like he can do whatever he wants because you are momma. Does he have anywhere else to go ?

    Answer by my2kids312 at 12:32 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • You need to back up your words with Actions. If you tell him to get a job, he needs to do so or he's out. It doesn't matter if he crashes on every friend he has' couch as long as he isn't under your roof. If he stays with you, either get a job, or do ALL the household chores around your home. He is old enough to know what's right....he needs to grow up. Stop enabling him and show him you mean business. Good Luck

    Answer by lighthousemom3 at 6:59 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • Ask him to start paying rent, or paying for the food he eats. Its harsh, but you do have to stop enabling him. I also agree with Rebecca727 -- if he has no money to pay rent then you should "collect" on it by taking something of value to him.

    Answer by DCchick06 at 10:20 AM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • Give him a time frame. Tell him what day he is going to be kicked out of the house and stick with it. Even if it means that you need to do all of the packing for him.

    Answer by JenFunSniffer at 1:17 AM on Jul. 14, 2009

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