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Current court case Advice from SM's who have been there!

My fiancee and I (soon to be husband 2 weeks) filed in Jan for more detailed custody papers for daughter (she is 3). BM has always caused problems, but ironically enough until her recent serious relationship this past holiday season, we had her pretty much 1/2 the time, if not all of the time. All my finacee is asking for is TR/Fri each week and every other weekend. BM refuses to agree to this stating daycare 50 hours a week is in childs best interst. Now she is dragging me into this mess by calling me to the stand and had her attorney tell the judge she had "severe" reservations about me!

Can anyone give me advice about how this goes down in court? I don't want to be depositioned, no less get on the stand over two days a week w/their child when I feel it shouldn't involve me and can't believe its being taken this far. (I have clean record, 2 degrees, great job)

Any thoughts/advice?

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Asked by amsterc13 at 12:43 PM on Jul. 8, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (12)
  • I say if bm wants it then go along with it. You have nothing to hide it will make her look stupid.
    My fiancee was in a similar situation. I was the one involved with court and his character was questioned. My mom looked like an idiot. Did she give any real reason why she felt you had severe reservations? The judge likes to know what exactly she is claiming you did. If he or she does not get a clear answer as to why most of the time they do not bother questioning the other person about it.

    Answer by lady-J-Rock at 12:57 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • I wouldn't worry about it. If you have skeletons in your closet you had better talk to your dh otherwise, they won't call you unless they think they have a chance in proving their point. If they don't you should be able to show just how nuts the mom is. You are right about not being involved though. You shouldn't be unless you are an unfit person who will be attending to the children.

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 1:00 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • lady-J-Rock -

    I have absolutley nothing to hide which is why I want nothing to do with it. I have never been married, have no children, never been pregnant as of yet, have two degrees, a great job, no criminal record etc... To me it seems entirely irrelevant and just a way to stall the courts. She is also calling in her "new" boyfriend to testify on her behalf and I just found out by doing a little looking around that he is still legall married (she picked a good one there huh)?

    She has also been emaining us to try and say that SD has a behavior issue, 1st at school (my fiancee followed up with the school directly) and then it changed to a direct result transitioning between our house, but ONLY when she leaves ours. The school has no idea what she is talking about and say she is a SUPER smart kid and beyond well behaved.

    I just don't see why I am being made a large part of this process?

    Answer by amsterc13 at 1:08 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • itsmesteph11 -

    I can only hope that in having her choose to go all the way (she can stop this at any time and just compromise on these days) that the judge sees this for what it is, but truly I have no idea what the outcome will be. The history of his ex is not a good one. Their relationship split b/c of her infidelitty twice, then she went through 5 of his friends (all of which have come forward and offered to testify), further we have emails, documentation on just how often and how much time we had her, etc...

    I cant figure out why BM would feel that sitting in a court room with your new boyfriend who just moved you and their little girl in and having him listen to just how poorly choices in your life have been made, and still have him on the stand to defend your honor is in not only the child's best interest, but yours and this new life you are trying to create.

    All over 2 days a week!

    Answer by amsterc13 at 1:13 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • You want to know why? Because some women just love the drama. That's it. She probably feels like this is her time to shine.
    Just do what you have to do to make this easier on your SO and your SD.
    Oh..and don't let it show that it might bother you. Then of course, she'll bet getting exactly what she wants.

    Answer by SoKamele at 1:48 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • Just go with it, and act like the reasonable person you are, and it will show her up to worse advantage. Don't say anything unless called to testify, and DON'TGET MAD, whatever she says, just refute with facts. It's a pretty sure bet the family court judge has seen and heard it all before and will see through her BS.
    You really shouldn't have to be involved with this, but since the child is only 3 you will be there with her sometimes if not all day every TH/FR when your fiancee is at work, so that might have a bearing on it. You aren't a skanky crack ho, so it will probably work out in you and your fiancee's favor instead of hers. (Especially with her record.)

    Answer by pagan_mama at 1:54 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • SoKamele -

    You know I am realizing that too many of them love the drama. They don't want to be with the man they had a child with, but they don't want him to be happy either! 8) I

    convinced her almost a year ago to stick strictly to emails and for some reason she has. You should see the ones that arrive latley for my finacee due to this court issue. They are border line crazy! She looks young, immature and just plain silly. I have to commend my finacee, b/c he only responsds if he has to and typically leaves only responds to SD needs. He has simply mentioned to her that if she is not willing to compromise (which is very clear) then he has no other choice but to proceed with the court action and yet she still pushes forward when all she has to do is realize that what is best is for the child to see both her parents as she used to.

    Answer by amsterc13 at 1:55 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • pagan_mama -

    Actually that is the coolest thing. I work full time and my finacee works night, current scheule Sunday through Wednesday. He has both TR and Fri off and this is a major reason why he is requesting these days, aside from the fact that he used to have her this often anyway. We only filed quite literally because he went from seeing her ALL the time to now just the court ordered 4 days a month. Being only 3 we feel this is horrible for any child. And to us, this is a win win for everyone. She gets time with her new man, we get time with her, daycare expenses are lowered and our child support is re-evaluated (however he already has been paying 50 more every two weeks for a year).

    It just amazes me how cynical women can be and how silly all of this is. The little money we do have is being spent to fight for a child when it should be easy to see that she deserves to know and love both her parents, ya know?

    Answer by amsterc13 at 1:58 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • like it or not you are involved in this and it does matter drastically how things are with you in the picture. let her express her reservations. She either has a point and you can grow from learning these things or she'll look like a fool. Either way you and the child win. I hope the judge does not agree with daycare being in the child's best interest for 50 hrs a week. Being with dad will be of more benefit if he wants her and it's a loving environment.

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:24 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • admckenzie -

    Thanks for the great advice! I will obviously be there to answer any of BM questions and reservations because I want what is best for their daughter, I am just hoping it doesn't get petty, as I have seen these things so often do and from what I am noticing lately that is the route she is trying to take things.

    At the end of the day however I have to believe that if we just stay true to the facts, what he is looking for and show the judge just how much time he had, then something good will come from it.

    I appreicate the feedback.

    Answer by amsterc13 at 2:33 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

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