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SIL doesn't want BIL to see his son

ALL NAMES have been changed!

BIL has a child from a previous relationship: P, who is 5. For the first 3 years, the mother, Liz, didn't want him to be in the child's life; she left town when she found out she was pg, and did not contact him. 2 years ago she had a change of heart and began calling him to get him involved with his son. By then, he was married (to Ann, a former friend of this woman) and they had a son together. Ann knew from the start that he had a child with Liz but is adamantly opposed to his having anything to do with Liz or P. Ann has been very upset, saying that she will leave him, that she will hurt herself, etc. if he sees P.

In the past few months, Liz has increased pressure to take a role in P's life. She doesn't need money or a father for him, just wants him to have a relationship w/ his bio dad...but Ann can't handle the idea.

What's going on for her? And how can she overcome this?


Asked by Collinsky at 4:45 PM on Jul. 8, 2009 in Relationships

Level 10 (376 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (5)
  • I think that its just insecurity. Threats of self-harm are often signs of a severe lack of self-esteem and insecurity in a relationship. That issue should be discussed in counseling, seperatly.

    Stemming from Ann's feelings of insecurity are probably the thoughts that; even though she knew he had a child already, that child would never be involved with your BIL. IMO she is probably more afraid that HER CHILD will be displaced in his father's affections because of the "first born" child. Maybe in her mind she is worred her child will suffer from lack of attention (especially if she thinks your BIL will want to "make-up for lost time" with the other child and possibly quit spending as much time with thier child) And, having a child with someone bonds you with that person. It has to be a little scary knowing that a woman had that bond with your BIL first. Maybe she is scared her bond with him is now "2nd place"?

    Answer by ozarkgirl3 at 6:37 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • PS I know we can't fix this very complicated situation for them... but we'd like to know how to support them and they are a bit younger and both tend to ask for and listen to my Dh's advice -- only now he's at a loss for how to understand where Ann is coming from and neither of us know what to say to her about the situation. So just some insight would be great!

    Answer by Collinsky at 4:47 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • I think he should do whatever he can to be in his child's life. It sounds like his wife has some self-esteem issues that she needs to deal with. Maybe getting her involved with visitations might make her feel better. And he should also reassure her that it won't effect his relationship with her or their child and remind her that every child should have the oppurtunity to have their father in their life.

    Answer by sbastille at 4:49 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • She perhaps needs reassurance that she has nothing to worry about where the first wife is concerned. Maybe she is feeling that if her husband gets close to his son that he will also get close to the mother again. If she knew that this wasn't an issue, then maybe she wouldn't be so against it.

    Also, she needs to be reminded how important it is for a child to know his mother and his father. And how important it is going to be for her to be supportive and to reach out to her stepson. This is a child who is an innocent bystander in his parents' drama. And any woman who would try to keep a father from his son doesn't deserve to be with him.

    Answer by casperskitty at 4:53 PM on Jul. 8, 2009

  • He should go to a lawyer cuz he's allowed to see his son no matter newest wife's suicidal threats. He sure shouldn't bring his other son to house with new wife and he should watch his second child with newest wife very very carefully.

    I think he should tell newest wife he's doing it to be involved with his son and he'll go to counselling wth newest to understand he loves her and not other woman (if he does after her threats of suicide? which hopefully is just drama and not real threats).

    Counselling should also involve a lawyer for newest wife to believe his love for her and for her to adjust to another chlld that's not her blood. jmo.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:57 PM on Jul. 8, 2009