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Why do you believe that it is so difficult for people to understand what motivates the majority of relinquishments?

I wonder if people really NEED to believe that most mothers who relinquish generally freely "choose" adoption and do not love and/or want to parent. Many adoptive parents insist that the birth mother of their child did not want to raise her child and wanted them to do so. How is it possible to believe that is true in most cases? Maybe it is true in rare exceptions, but most of the moms I have met over the years wanted to parent. Relinquishment was a desperate, reluctant act, not generally something they WANTED. Most felt they had no other options, and they were encouraged to place. It is painful to acknowledge that babies are often placed for adoption for lack of supporting their mothers, but, it is often a reality. I know that their are many available programs to help mothers. But, many moms in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy are not as aware. But, info about adoption is abundant.

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Southernroots

Asked by Southernroots at 12:39 PM on Jul. 9, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
Answers (28)
  • I am an adoptive mother and I disagree with what you are saying..

    Our birthmom wanted to parent but was unable to do so..

    My daughter will know that what she did , she did because she loves her..

    I have respect for my birthmother...

    XOXO Jean
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 12:46 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • As an adoptive parent, I expect that you would disagree.....not that all adoptive mothers will. I understand that not all adoptive mothers are the same. But, I guess it is inevitable that most adoptive and birth mothers will never view adoption/relinquishment in the same way. I guess it saddens me that there seems to be so little understanding among mothers of adoption.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:17 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • I guess the confusion is whether or not something is wanted or something is what is the best thing to do. Every single day I do (on a much smaller scare) things that I need to do because they are best for me and/or my child. I "want" to take my kids to Disney tomorrow, I know that paying the grocery bill and mortgage is more important.

    Also remember that the women that you are talking to are women who took the time to attend a seminar or a class or a retreat or join a group for bmoms. By default, their "birthmomhood" is something that is at the forefront of their mind or they wouldnt be there. Dont confuse that with the population of all bmoms. I dont think women "want" to place children, I am sure they didnt "want" to be pregnant either but they are doing the best thing with what life has handed them. I
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:46 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • I also challenge the whole lack of support element. Yes, they are placing because they dont have financial and emotional support. The financial is taken care of by public assistance but the emotional is not something that you can just "generate". You cant give these women families who can raise these children for them if they dont exist. (and sometimes when they exist the bmom still trashes them as is shown on her often). Many women today place because they are already raising another child and they KNOW how how it is. They do this for their other child as much as they do it for the baby who is being adopted.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:50 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • I understand that the majority of mothers who place today are already raising a child. And, I know that these moms believe that placing is best for both children. But, I do not believe that most understand the long term effects of adoption for them or their children. These moms may know what raising a child is like, but few know what relinquishing one is like. I did both, and I know quite well the difference. Raising a child alone is hard, but, for me, it was a million times easier than relinquishing a child and living with the consequences.

    As for generating emotional support, many moms do not need their families to raise their children for them. They just need their families or someone to encourage and support them emotionally. Sometimes all it takes is one person who gives them some encouragement.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 3:03 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • You are assuming that the long term effects on them are the same that they have been for you. For many, that is not accurate. The bmoms who walk into your support group are the ones who are struggling. (just like in an AA meetings, everyone is a drunk).

    As for the effects on the child, there is no way to compare what the effects would have been on that child to have lived through poverty or with a teen mother who struggled with all her hopes and dreams ending at 16.

    And in many cases they do need someone to raise the child/feed the child/watch the child while they attend high school or try to get past their minimum wage job, etc. A simple "way to go" or 'you can do it" is wonderful but realistically these women need more.

    In many (most?) cases, they exausted all the "you and do it" and "way to go" support with their previous pregnancy. They are holding on with a thin string as it is, another baby would be the end
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:17 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • Dannee, I'm confused. You say that you disagree with SR, but then you say " Our birthmom wanted to parent but was unable to do so.." But that is what SR is saying; That women don't chose adoption because they don't want to parent.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:15 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • OP I think it's because we birth mothers don't tell them otherwise. I believed that young women who relinquished before me were saved from single motherhood and that they and their children were not emotionally harmed by adoption. Until I lived it. I had no idea that they were hurting so much and had so many regrets and issues. That is why I think it's so important that we birth mothers tell our stories and why are voices are so very important. People take the silence as contentment, they have no idea that the women are silenced by shame and fear. On the other hand I'm always warning young bmoms not to tell the amoms of their children how much they are suffering because that's often the reason why they find there adoptions close; if bmom is suffering and has regrets then she's obviously unstable and a danger to her child.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 7:26 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • That is though the case with my child's birthmother. She has said many times that she did not feel a bond with our child and did not want to do the raising. I'm not saying it's the "majority", but unless one gets every birthmother in the world and ask her personally, no one else should say either.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:40 PM on Jul. 9, 2009

  • "On the other hand I'm always warning young bmoms not to tell the amoms of their children how much they are suffering because that's often the reason why they find there adoptions close; if bmom is suffering and has regrets then she's obviously unstable and a danger to her child."

    Do you really think that this is an enlightened message to pass along. What about Truth in adoption. You basically are telling bmoms to lie to the APs, then you are surprised if the APs dont understand the Bmom's feelings. If I knew my child's bmom was really suffering, I might go the extra mile, throw in extra photos or be more conscious of what photos I chose. IF she acts like she doesnt care, I may even think I am giving too many photos or calls. That is when I think the she has gotten over it and why am I being the one to push this open adoption, she must not want it.
    One of the 1st things I said to my child's bmom is that we need honesty
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on Jul. 10, 2009

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