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how can repair a broken relationship with my son (he's 22 yrs old) and help him find his path to the future

My son was deserted by his father at an early age. He was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the 7th grade. He herniated a disc at age 19 and has spent the last three years trying to find a cure. He did not graduate from high school but completed the GED and went on to community college. . He refuses to seek help for his OCD. He has not worked in 4 years. He was doing ok in school ( he is very smart, but extremely lazy) but now has stopped attending classes. He signs up and then just drops out. I have told him I will no longer help him to pay for college because it is a financial hardship for me if he is not doing the work seriously. He promised to look for work this summer and has not. He won't help out around the house. I've asked him to move out but he won't. I don't know what to do. I no longer give him money, but I still house and feed him. I am so angry I can barely look at him. I need advice

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Asked by Madameismom at 1:57 PM on Jul. 10, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (10)
  • His name most likely is not on the title or lease? If not you should be able to have police remove him for you. But before you resort to that maybe try counselling once or twice even with a minister for yourself and then bring him in for some sessions. I'd tell ds your gonna do this and its a condition of him staying with you. Don't refer to him living with you cause he's not showing you the respect you need or deserve for it to be called that he's living with you. Tell him youre getting counselling and for him to continue past x time he has to go with you to counseeling indefinitely.

    I brought my family back together after being all separated including my then early twentys son. It's hard but you can do this. IT's important to remember that you are owed respect for being his mother. He can choose to not give it to you but then he can't stay in your home.College is a present to one's self not a given.Prayers4u momma

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:03 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • We all want our grown kids to be independent and happy.And I think for the most part they do too.He may not be happy with you, but you are right, he does need to make his own way in life.I'd just try to have an honest talk with him when you two are not angryFirst thing is that he needs a job.Then maybe give him a time frame to be living somewhere else.what ever time you think is reasonable.
    He may not like you, but you still have to do the right thing and so does he.

    Answer by evelynwest at 2:13 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • When my son was 22 and living with me FREE of responsibility I was beginning to resent it and it was damaging our relationship. I just took a deep breath and decided to tell him exactly that. I told him that as of the first of the following month he had to pay up x amount of dollars and gave him the rules of living in my house. There will be no disgussing it that is the way it is. I was terrified this would make our relationship worse but I had to do it. He moved into his own apartment by the first and has been on his own since. That was 4 years ago. We do have a slightly strained relationship but not as bad as it would have been if I had not put my foot down. They know when you mean business.

    Answer by rudreamin at 5:47 AM on Jul. 11, 2009


    Answer by older at 7:59 AM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • you must be the mom in the other post. Get him financial aid and get him a dorm room then wish him well in life. He will figure life out but can't do it if you keep babying him.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:00 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • I think he needs some motivation to find a new place and get a job. I think the fastet way of getting that done is you packing all of his things and putting them on the curb for him. When he get home I hope he see's a note saying that you love him and some new locks.

    P.S. don't let him borrow the new keys. Kids are smart and copies are cheap.

    Answer by JenFunSniffer at 1:11 AM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • I agree with the first commenter that you should try a session or two of family counselling -- he obviously has issues, maybe having an impartial mediator will help him to understand you better and improve your relationship.

    Answer by DCchick06 at 10:29 AM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • If you are in a position financially: find him an apartment (studio), pay his rent for 6 months, stock grocery and open an account for him; for carfare, lunch money and couple months for utilities. Tell him that it isn't fair for you to feel the way that you do. As a parent you given all that you knew to help him become a man and an independent one at that. Explain that you love him and that he has to show legitimate proof that he has actively searched for work everyday starting tomorrow. Next tell him that as a parent you had and still have expectations/dreams/hopes that he will catch on and know that no one lives forever and you would like to see him mature into a more responsible person. Now remember whatever decisions you make keep your word and do it.! It will be hard and quite painful but you will Thank yourself that you had to give tough love with assistance. Let me know how things turnout. Peace to you as Paren

    Answer by Zaferia at 12:29 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • try to talk to him as a friend and not your son, sometimes they take to that better.

    Answer by lawla at 9:05 PM on Jul. 20, 2009


    Answer by molly900 at 6:53 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

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