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is this cheating?

my FIANCE!!!!!!!! has a foot fetish, i know kinda gross but thats his choice, anyways, he has done this to me 2 times now, when i walk out of the room he tries to "play" with my friends feet, the most recent of these he tried to do to her while she was driving, now he doesnt do anything else but basicly massage feet, i think it is sick and dont allow it, which may b y he is branching out in lame mans terms. so my question is, do u think this is cheating? i have a big decision to make, and this is an involvement, he has no job anymore and he got a 3day eviction at our apt, when he lost his job i bought a house and we are currently seperated untill he gets his shit together. i have taken our daughter and now am a homeowner she is living with me. what should i do? does that qualify as cheating? no bashing i need some honset help, he is a great dad, and its hard to end this 5yr relationship i dont want nemore drama.

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Asked by kyliebugs_mommy at 9:08 PM on Jul. 10, 2009 in Relationships

Level 3 (23 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • He isn't going to be less of a father just because you guys aren't together right? If he is a good dad anyway than it really shouldn't effect your decision.
    I would be less concerned about the foot fetish and more concerned that he has no job and is getting evicted. Those to me are red flags and I would halt any ideas of marriage until those were resolved. In addition, it is obvious that this foot fetish bothers you. It is not something that is going to change in him simply because you guys get married. You have to decide if it is something you want to live with or not? In my opinion it isn't cheating, but I am not the one in the relationship. It is based on how it effects the parties involved.

    Answer by 2-1CavWife at 9:13 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • I'm not sure I would call if cheating, but it is NOT appropriate. His hands don't belong on anyone other then you. It sounds like he needs to take a serious look at this life.

    Good luck with making your decisions.

    Answer by TessLouise at 9:14 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • If this fetish of his gives him a sexual thrill then yes I would consider it cheating. My question to you though is why don't you let him fulfill his foot fetish with you? A foot massage and a pedi is not the worst thing in the world.

    Answer by ithi at 9:14 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • I don't know. To me, feet are not really all that sexy, so I don't think of them in the same terms that I would if you said he, for example, was trying to rub their thighs. You say he has a fetish for them, which is usually a sexual thing, so I guess I'd have to say that it probably technically qualifies as cheating. My question to you would be do you really want to throw away your entire relationship, your entire history with him, over it? Have you told him how you feel about him doing it? You say you think it's sick and don't let him do it, but have you specifically told him it bothers you that he is doing this to other women? I would start there, maybe see if he'll get some counseling to help him control his urges. I don't know that I'd throw away such a long history, and especially with a child involved, over it. At least not without fighting for it first. Good luck!

    Answer by tropicalmama at 9:16 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • It is cheating if you view it as such. If it gives him a sexual rise and he knows it and does it despite you stating you do not want him to do it, then it is cheating. Cheating is defined differently by everyone.

    Answer by purpleducky at 9:17 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • Okay frankly I would be pissed if my husband was rubbing any other woman's feet (other than a relative - he helps his mom with her feet etc.) Or unless his job was a masseuse. But I would ask him what he is getting out of rubbing her feet and if he say's he's getting nothing then it wouldn't be a problem for him to stop since it is bothering you. And if he is I don't know if I would say cheating but defiantly flirting and would say marriage counseling is a must and for any man who doesn't want to do marriage counseling to save his family he doesn't want it saved very bad. Also if his foot fetish is so bad & you say he doesn't have a job to pay bills why doesn't he become a foot masseuse at least you would know he would have to be professional with his clients or his butt would be in jail and in addition he would bring home money to pay the bills!

    Answer by hotrodmomma at 9:18 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • Is it cheating? No. There weren't rules, so it wasn't cheating. If this behavior feels like cheating to you then the two of you or the two of you and a third party (counselor, mediator, minister, friend, ect.) need to sit down and write out what the rules are for both of you. It shouldn't be an attack on him. Then the consequences of breaking the rules need to be written out.

    Since you have a daughter together legally you need support, custody, and visitation orders. Having to pay support or go to jail may encourage him to get a job.

    Answer by Gailll at 9:19 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • no having a foot fetish isn't cheating but he's stupid if he does it while someone is driving. I'd ban him from the house until he got rid of the stupidity, gets a job, acts like an adult. I had some guy grab my feet before wanting to rub them. I doggone near smacked him down. I don't like being touched like that. He didn't even ask he just grabbed my feet! He was a friend of my x. Yuk, I told him to go away and never come back unless x was there. I think the man is dead now...probably got shot by someone he was trying to fondle their feet without permission.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:20 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • I think anything Lustful outside of you and him is considered cheating, about his employment i would say give him some time to get it together any real man wouldnt feel like a man if they arent providing for his family so im sure he is not pleased with himself right now. before you give up, pray about it, talk to him and give it some time. but for sure let him know about the feet thing, thats not cool at all and yes thats cheating :(

    Answer by Mrs.AmberMarie at 9:39 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

  • no, it's not okay for him to do this. he finds it sexual, he does it to other women, that's cheating. however, he didn't just wake up one day with this, he's had it all 5 years you have been with him. so why is he just now doing it to other women? And why not let him rub your feet? Did it start when he lost his job? I would say something is bringing it on and you both need to get to the bottom of it. So he's jobless, him and 15% of the population- you know in your heart if he's the working type, if so, times will get better. Maybe he's just bored. If he's willing to be honest and get to the bottom of things, let him back in the house and stick with it, but no- no more feet rubbing unless it's your feet. How old is your child? maybe he can be a stay at home dad and save childcare?

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 PM on Jul. 10, 2009

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