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Did I do the right thing?

A little history : my son is 21. For years now he's been hateful, does drugs, won't keep a job,is very disrespectful and talks to me real bad when DH isn't around. I've had to catch his bills up I don't know how many times now. In the middle of me being helpful and supportive, he talks to me like I'm a dog. A month ago we had to put him out - cuz we were letting him borrow one of our cars (& we were carrying the insurance on it). We found a LOT of pot in the car - not like a bag, but it was loose leafs, stems and seeds all over the interior of the car (and this was a month after we caught him smoking it in our house - for the 3rd time). We took the car. He got belligerent with DH & Dh told him he could hit the bricks. Now, over the last few years, I've been keeping all the furniture and stuff I didn't want - expecting that I have 2 sons and they would need or want it when they get their own place. CONTINUED BELOW

 
PaceMyself

Asked by PaceMyself at 2:26 PM on Jul. 11, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 5 (75 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • If it's not his, it's not his. If it is, you should give it to him even though he's a jerk. But if they are extra things of yours and he is the last child who would use them, I would personally donate them to a thrift store and tell him that you were donating them in his name if he asked about it later.

    No one should have to put up with being treated like that.
    tyheamma

    Answer by tyheamma at 11:11 AM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • My son found an apartment. But didn't tell me about it till last night about midnight - when he texted and woke me up. Kept me up for an hour before finally making a clear point that he wanted to come get some furniture at 10 this morning. This morning comes and at 9:30 he texts to inform me that my ex husband will be coming to my house to help him get some stuff - UHH NO he won't. My ex is a really bad person, manipulative, hateful, spiteful, you name it. DH said they could wait till he got off work because he wouldn't have me be here alone with the two of them. I told my son that - he got pissed and said "I knew you would make this difficult for me". I stuck to my guns (even with the guilt trip he was trying to throw). He then tried to manipulate me into letting them over here before DH got home - when I said no again - my son accused me of demeaning him. In the end, we decided that we would not be giving him furniture
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 2:30 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • I think you did the right thing. You put your foot down. He shouldnt be getting freebies and treating you like crap. You're his mother, not his slave.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 2:32 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • I was bawling, but I talked to my BFF, my other son and DH and they all agreed - this kid of mine is abusive and the more I give him the more he takes. They all said that I did not have any obligation to have to give him furniture just because I had some - and the fact that he's talking to me like I'm a dog all the while I"m handing crap to him is just making him worse. So, I put his few belongings left in my garage on the driveway and sent him a text to come get it. He was expecting a king size bed, dresser w/night stands, 3 yr old ($3000) sectional sofa, dining table, end tables, microwave, cookware, dishes, - you name it and I had it saved up. But in the end, I agreed with everyone - I am not going to reward his abuse with gifts.

    I did the right thing, right?
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 2:34 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • He'll learn how he's treated you is wrong once he realizes you're serious. And if he doesn't, he has to learn it on his own. You dont owe him anything. He's an adult and needs to learn to respect you...and not expect anything for it.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 2:42 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • I was so upset because he woke me up last night asking me to open the garage door at 11:30 when I asked him "Right now?" he said yeah - so I got up and opened the garage door. 45 minutes later I finally had to text him - he hadn't shown up. Then he laughed and said "LOL , I meant in the morning about 10AM". That ran all over me. Then he wouldn't tell me who was coming to help him - until the last minute. And then he was bring my ex husband over to my house (that's a whole long story I've asked ??s on here before about - and everyone agreed that man is evil). The moment the kid realized that he couldn't run rough-shot over me then he tried to manipulate, when that didn't work and I had to RE- emphasize my point "NOT UNTIL ROBBY GETS HOME" - his next words to me were "How demeaning" - that was my last straw.
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 2:48 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • You did the right thing by witholding the furniture. Why would you give it to him anyway when you pretty much know (or sounds like you would know) that he wont take care of it? My SO's mother didnt give him furniture until he met me & settled down. I'd either keep the furniture or sell it & take the money for yourself, dosent sound like your son deserves to get anything at this point in his life. Hope things get better.
    Mel30248

    Answer by Mel30248 at 2:57 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • I also think you did the right thing. You have to put your foot down and stick to it. He is taking advantage of you and you have to put a stop to it. This is so hard for us moms, because they are still our kids and of course we love them, but he is a man now, you have to force him to find his own way.
    robinann5

    Answer by robinann5 at 4:07 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • I would have given it to him if you have planned it all along but I would have also told him it's the last thing he gets from me, ever. I'd do it mostly for me to clean my house! He'll live. Just don't be paying his bills for him again and if he has a problem in the future tell him to "figure it out". Other wise you are enabling him and he'll never grow up.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:55 PM on Jul. 11, 2009

  • I would say that he can get his own furniture besides the bed and his own possessions meaning he paid for them. I don't think you are harsh at all I think you are doing the right thing. Boy needs to grow up and learn how to respect people and possessions including himself. He doesn't care what anyone thinks and just needs someone to keep pushing him in the right direction. I have a cousin like this and his wife is pregnant and he will give her about 100 bucks for rent money it will be gone the next morning from her purse...meaning he took it. I think he needs to learn sooner than later doing stupid stuff gets you into stupid situations. I am 21 and have a daughter and a husband ....I couldn't imagine what you have been through.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:52 AM on Jul. 13, 2009