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Do you understand the difference between being against ALL adoption (anti-adoption) and against unnecessary adoptions and unethical adoptions?

If you don't, you are not alone! Criticizing unethical and poor adoption practices does not equal hating ALL adoption and/or being anti-adoption. However, some people just cannot tell the difference. Many birth moms on Cafemom understand that there is a great need to improve adoption practices, decrease unnecessary adoptions and educate everyone about adoption. But, most realize that in some situations, adoption IS necessary. If a mother is unable to parent due to drugs or alcohol abuse, or other similarly serious issues, most of us understand that an adoption might be necessary.

There are avery small number of moms on Cafemom who hate ALL adoption and want to banish it entirely. However, there are far more moms here who are not against ALL adoptions, just unethical, coerced or unnecessary ones. NO ONE advocates children staying with parents who are likely to harm them.

Answer Question

Asked by Southernroots at 1:33 AM on Jul. 12, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
Answers (34)
  • I don't get why people are anti-adoption. I guess I can see where it would be wrong if a BM was coerced into it. Otherwise, what's an unnecessary adoption?

    Answer by toriandgrace at 1:35 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • I think it is nearly impossible for most people to understand why people are anti-adoption. But, I know that it is often because they have been deeply hurt by either being adopted or having relinquished a child. Plus, they usually know others too that have been harmed, instead of helped, by adoption. I think it is important to note that many people who are anti-adoption favor guardianships instead, not having a child stay with a parent that is truly unfit to parent.

    An unnecessary adoption, in my opinion, is one that could have been prevented if a mother were better educated about adoption or given support or education to parent. I believe that if a mother wants to parent, in most cases, she can and should. My idea of an adoption that is unnecessary might differ from someone else's. For instance, temporary financial difficulties often cause adoptions, but, I no longer believe that money is enough reason to relinquish.

    Answer by Southernroots at 2:31 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • What some outsiders who have no idea of the individual circumstances (eg people here) consider unnecessary could in fact be very necessary. Each and every situation is different and just because a 16 year old with supportive parents wants to go through with adoption it doesn't makes it unnecessary. Maybe for you it was unnecessary but quit lumping it all together and believing that what's unnecessary in your opinion is not completely 100% necessary in someone else's.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:35 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • Even I, as a PAP, understand that adoption practices need reform in DOMESTIC INFANT adoption. I don't think any PAP wants to be involved with ripping a child from the arms of a woman who really wants to raise her child. It is an emotional time, and a vulnerable time.

    It is also for the PAP's who have committed years to their decision, gone thru reams of paperwork concerning everything in our lives from our own births forward as well as our extended families and support groups, fingerprints, home inspections, background checks, CPR/First Aid, etc. Does it mean that I am trying to buy a child? No, it means I have prepared for one.

    "But, most realize that in some situations, adoption IS necessary." Quoting OP--THANK YOU!

    I would expect nothing less than a bmom telling her story especially if she regrets her choice. I would expect nothing less than a bmom telling her story if she is happy with her choice. I don't judge.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 8:41 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • I do judge however when bmoms or amoms both try to discount the experiences of another person (whether or not they are ANON). This is where I get upset. "OP-Don't listen to...." What? Who are we to judge? 9 times out of 10, we are responding to an ANON poster, so we know nothing of her background. I agree that I wonder if the poster is 14 & pregnant, whether she's on drugs, whether she's had CPS involvement and this is her 6th child, whether she is a mom-to-be who is alone with no support, whether or not....whatever, and how my answer might be different if I knew. So I can only answer from MY experiences. Just as bmoms & amoms alike. Let the OP make her own decision. How arrogant are we if we think that OUR response is the ONLY ONE that the OP might base her decision on? BTW, this doesn't happen only in Adoption Q&A. Also, should I BF or FF? take off bottle at 1 yr? potty-train yet? etc. But HERE, the stakes are higher!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 8:51 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • HERE, in this section, is where the "Mama Bear" comes out in ALL of us, a chance to right all wrongs, a chance to make something good out of something terrible, a chance to make a difference in someone else's life. We cannot push such strong feelings down inside of us and act like it doesn't matter. It DOES matter! It matters to the BMOM who feels guilty, to the AMOM who is still waiting, to the EMOM that is trying to make the most important decision of her life. I used to think some ANONs were sarcastic & hateful. Now I realize that whatever they say is their truth. That perhaps they were hurt or are hurting. It's no wonder why the "passion" flies around here, but we do need to learn that behind every avatar, every ANON poster, every ANON a woman. (Hopefully! LOL!) And that we each have a story, and to give each other the right to speak, even if the opinion is unpopular or hurtful to ourselves. (Sorry, so long)

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:01 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • SR, you acknowledged that we all have different ideas of what is an unnecessary adoption. I have a friend who chose to place her baby for adoption when she was around 16/17. She had tons of support (from her famly) for keeping the baby, and many of her friends told her she should have aborted. She had her mind made up that she wanted to place, and did so even though her mother disowned her. She did not do it because of lack of support. Still, many here would consider this an unnecessary adoption and bash the aparents (and possibly my friend, the bmom).

    I am all for educating people and sharing stories, but after they've made the decision, we should respect them. It bothers me when people paint all bmoms or all amoms as evil.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 10:55 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • I think people are against ALL adoptions when they make a choice to place, feel guilty, and then find it easier to live with themselves if they blame adoption instead of taking responsibility for their own choices and decisions.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:25 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • SR, I am curious on your opinion: if you had to guess (your opinion only) what percentage of infant adoptions are unneccessary.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:39 PM on Jul. 12, 2009


    Being adopted as a newborn by parents who were mature, stable, educated, and able to provide me with a great life was best for me. From the moment they held me, I was their baby and they gave me the same unconditional love that I give my biological children. My biological family is messed up, BUT they have tons of money. They are abusive and dysfunctional, so when my 15-year-old mother was pregnant by a boy her parents loathed, they all did me a HUGE favor by putting me up for adoption at birth.

    I understand that not all adoptions turn out like mine, but this is my personal experience and it has had the greatest influence in forming my opinion about adoption. While simplistic, I think a stable couple who go to great lengths to become parents are generally going to do a better job than an irresponsible, unprepared single girl with an accidental pregnancy.

    Answer by DeTora_Family at 1:00 PM on Jul. 12, 2009

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