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Infidelity, lies and the past!!!! (long.... re-posted closed for some reason)

(sorry ladies, I had to repost) My SO and I have been having issues in our relationship with his "female friends". I have left a few times because I felt he continued to be disprectful and unwilling to compromise. He insist he has NEVER cheated on me, but he's lied and hid some of these relationships. The problem usually starts with me checking his email, cell phone, myspace and discovering things that I feel just shouldn't be said or shared between "friends". He talks pretty negitively about me and sometimes says stuff like " I miss everything about you" (this was directed towards his ex girlfriend, in which he took my two kids to visit without my knowledge) but wonders why I trip when I find things. He said that my insecurities are killing our relationship, and he--once again--has never CHEATED. I always discover new girls, and emails or text that are upsetting and I promised I wouldn't but he hasn't changed either. (con'd)

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:22 AM on Jul. 12, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (21)
  • (con'd )
    The messages say things pretty negitively towards me (to make him look like an ace father, when I do everything), once we wrote "I miss everything about you" to an ex (of 10 or 11 years) which is way over the line. He lied to me once about going to dinner with his friend Une and in fact he was goin with this female friend Megan, that I already disapproved b/c she is in love with him and found text talking about her chonch (pontage, etc ) and how good it way. He claims he doesn't tell because I am irrational and crazy and he says he can't help how they feel or what they say. The only reason I still check up on him is because he never tell me about them... Omission to us is the equvilant of a lie. He's always defensive but I agree that invading his privacy is the wrong way to go about it, but I feel otherwise I just wouldn't know the truth (also claims i'm immature b/c of this in our relationship). Advice please, WWYD?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:22 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • I would leave its clear he has no respect for you! You can do better either by yourself or find a man who is into you 100%! Liars get no where! Cut him off! Keep your head up!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:25 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • IF YOU WOULD STOP ACTING so insecure he wouldnt be doing these things....Who are you to check his email and phones? I had this issue also and it gets you no where but alone..trust me..
    ryanlynn

    Answer by ryanlynn at 10:31 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • Both of you are wrong. Everyone (in and out of a relationship) deserves privacy. But in a relationship, you deserve full fidelity. So you're both wrong.

    If it were my life.....I'd leave.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 10:37 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • OP_ I honestly don't know how or why i've developed that habit of checkin his things. It's not always that I check it either. Beleive it or not I've had the reaccuring same dream about this guy since we first moved in together, and everytime I have this dream (sometimes it's two three days in a row, the longest without having the dream is a year), I check it and I always find something. I know I should find another way, but I am one of those people that would rather know that not know I guess... I just want to find peace and a middle ground. We love each other, he says this is the only thing that he hates (but of course he would, he gets caught up)... I am truly nerveous about the whole issue, I just want my family to be happy and healthy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:38 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • You have reason to snoop! Leave while you can and be happy!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:43 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • I don't believe that if you stop acting insecure it would go away. I have been in a relationship with my love for a year and a half. I was NEVER insecure about our relationship til I started finding conversations of him with other girls and emails and texts and pretty much EVERYTHING you went thru I went thru. I pretty much had a break down. I think it takes time and you gotta have lots of serious talks with him if u want to rebuild your relationship. If he is still hiding stuff and there is no progress I think you should just leave him. If he respected you or your relationship he wouldn't do that. I felt guilty about invading his privacy but I only did it when my intuition told me something was wrong and everytime I did, there was. (he sat next to me and read this as I was typing) I have a very strong and true intuition. I would like to say I would leave if I were in your situation, but I WAS in your situatuon and I didn't.
    gottalovemal

    Answer by gottalovemal at 10:44 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • I love him and I wanted to try to be with him. I ALWAYS gave him the benefit of the doubt and still found more and more stuff. It's devastating. I felt weak for being with him and I felt dumb for staying with him and there was a whole huge black horrible part of our relationship that I don't like to think about. We are good now, but it took a lot to get here. I think that if you two work on it together and try, you can do it. I think. But again that depends on the kind of ppl you are. I hope everything works out and it gets better like it did for me, or I hope you find the strength to leave him and find someone who will truly love and respect you. you can PM me anytime if u need to talk since we have been thru such similar things. Good luck!!!
    PS
    When you pick an answer as best, it automatically closes the answer portion.
    gottalovemal

    Answer by gottalovemal at 10:50 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • Just because he says to you he is not sexually cheating..Does not mean he is not sexually cheating or emotionally cheating( spending time with other ladies). IMO,,You need to leave him for good..

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 10:50 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

  • He's a single man acting like a single man. So what's the problem? He's with you obviously bc he wants to be with you so I don't see why you are doing all of this nosing into his business. As long as he comes home every night then there isn't a problem. He's made no vows to forsake all others so this is all perfectly normal behavior.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:57 AM on Jul. 12, 2009

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