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I need some words of encouragement - any stepmoms out there? PIOG

My stepson is 6 and he lives with my dh and I. I had my 1st baby - a girl - 7 weeks ago. A few days after I had her he went and spent 6 weeks with his mom for her summer visit. He comes home tomorrow and I am so sad. I love having my says with just my dd. My ss NEVER stops talking and always wants my dh is a great father to him, but I'm a SAHM now so I'll be caring for him all day - and after school once it starts. My ss is a good, smart boy and he loves me. You would think that would make it easier to be a sm - but it doesn't. I feel constant guilt about the fact that I don't LOVE my ss. His mom is a total loser and I am the mother figure in his life and I don't love him. It's even worse now that my dd is here and I feel SO MUCH love for her. Is anyone in a situation like this? Or have any words of wisdom for me?? I know I'm being selfish...

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Asked by stepmom929 at 5:03 PM on Jul. 13, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 12 (920 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Well, at least your recognize that you are being selfish. That is the first step. Honestly, you will start feeling better the older your bio-child gets, but first things first. FIND something lovable about your stepson. Write a story about how the two of you met and all the things you love and like about him. Keep it to yourself until you mean every word of it, then read it to him. It is hard to share the love of a child with another woman, and often times as stepparents we try to protect ourselves by not allowing ourselves to get too attached, when what the child needs is for us to put our fears aside and GET attached. It will happen, you do love him, just not in the same way you feel towards your baby, and that is OK. I love all of my children in different ways. You need to recognize that about your situation. You love him, you just don't recognize it.

    Answer by Petie at 5:14 PM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • I am a stepmom and my sk live with their mom and we have our own kids as well but I know what you mean...I use to feel that way no love for them it was hard at first but damn we knew these men had kids and we still dove into the realationship I just never knew it was going ot be like this.
    I too felt like I was being more of a mother than she ever was (she always had a beer in her hand) anyway then I stood back and said wait a minute these kids love me I can see if there was hatred in the air. I just ignored all that negativitiy and started to focus on them with our kids and it worked out perfect they looked so cute wanting to help out with the new little brother and sister.
    Just put all that neg. feelings aside and live your beautiful live we just don't know how blessed we realy are. Think positive it will be alright love them as your own don't make them feel left out. GL

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 5:15 PM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • You are NOT being selfish. My ss is six also and it can be very overwhelming without a new baby around, so you have a double edged sword. May not be a popular thought, but stepkids are just different, yes there is a love for them, but not the same as your own child. I completely understand what you are going through. I too am the mother figure to my ss, as his stepdad is raising him, since his mother works constantly and is never around. It's very frustrating to know that you have a thankless job (for now, he may thank you in the end, but he will be an adult and you will have probably forgotten all the sacrifices that you made for him). PM me if you need to vent or whatever.

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 5:16 PM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • I can totally relate. I have 8 year old twin step sons that we have custody of. They just got back from a six week vacation from their grandparents house. The time away from them was heaven. I have a 4 month old. It is very overwhelming, I'm being pulled in a million different directions between all five kids. It's not easy. Especially when you don't have the same feelings for the stepkids that you do for your own. I try to treat all the kids equally but it is super hard. The feelings just aren't the same for the stepkids as for my own and I don't think they ever will be. The biological mom doesn't have any visitation rights, so she is no help. It's a tough situation to be in. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are human and don't let the guilt eat you up. You're not alone!

    Answer by bradybunchmom75 at 6:42 PM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • Wow you sound just like me! why everyone expects you to just love some kid thats not yours is beyond me. My ss was 7 when me and dh met and he drove me crazy! sometimes i just wished he'd go away, i had little experence with little boys and what i had wasn't good. He was hyper, never stopped talking, and hung on dh all the gets better with time. Relize you are only human and you can't force feelings you dont have. my ss is now 14 and i wish i could have been a better mom to him when he was younger but i wasn't and couldn't no point beating myself up about it just do your best

    Answer by Bjoycassell at 7:09 PM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • Two of my 7 kids are not biologically mine, and I love them no different then any of my other kids, I would slay dragons for them, thier biology may not be mine, but that doesn't change the fact that I would do ANYTHING for them, same as "my" children.

    How so many woman find it ok is beyond me. It is a child, and when you married his dad he deserved to be treated as if he was as important to you as he is to his dad. Find what makes that boy special and love it, all kids have good qualities, I'll grant some kids take a little more looking to find it, but it is there and that is what you should focus on. What most people keep referring to as irritating is quite normal in kids (the behaviour). Imagine if tomorrow something happened to you and your husband's new wife felt that way about your baby.....

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 7:22 PM on Jul. 13, 2009

  • Wow I've never thought about it that way-that if something ever happened to me and my dh remarried my sweet girl would have a stepmom. I would pray that she would love her the way I do-or at least close...thank you for that. I needed a new perspective. Thanks to all of u. Its so comforting knowing that I'm not alone.

    Answer by stepmom929 at 9:58 PM on Jul. 13, 2009

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