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My sister...

So, my sister, who is 19, has been in a relationship with a girl for about 4 years. Since they got together (at age 15) they have been thrown in jail twice (for running away and stealing a car, leaving the scene of a car accident, etc.) and this girl started my sister drinking, smoking pot, and having sex all at age 15 - basically one of those "bad influence" people. My parents have been very strict about this relationship - they don't approve, and are clear in saying they never will. After turning 18 my sis moved out, and moved into a camper outside her GF's parents trailer. GF's parents are even worse people than GF is, they hate my sister but let her stay there for her GF's sake. Sis moved home recently after failing out of college (because she was working too much to pay rent to study), telling my parents she was almost over the relationship. So I sold her my car to get to and from work last week, and today (cont'd)

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:49 PM on Jul. 14, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • (OP Cont'd) she totaled the car while taking her GF to work. This is the second car she totaled with her GF in the car. She won't admit that her GF is wrecking her life (literally) - this girl was a meth head for a while, and didn't graduate high school or get a GED, didn't have a job for almost a year while my sis supported her, etc - and nothing we say will get through to her. My parents are fed up, they say that she has to move out and they are done with her till she gets her S*** straight, and I am at a loss. I hate her GF, she is a stupid, leechy person, and I want her to get away from her, but I don't know whether it is my place to get in the middle of all this. I've tried talking to her over and over for the last few years but nothing ever seems to sink in. But I hate the thought of her influencing my son at all, so I don't know whether to cut her out of my life (like my parents) or what... Any thoughts?

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:53 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • She isnt going to listen to anyone! It is always easier said than done! As far as cutting her out of your life, you need to do what is best for you and your family. I think you need to allow her to learn her lesson on her own, and if you enable her to keep coming and going, and doing drugs and drinking than she is never going to stop. Give her some tuff love, it sounds like thats what your parents have chosen to do.

    Answer by mrsmamaj at 5:58 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • My sister is very similar to your sister it sounds like, although a year younger.

    After I had my daughter, I sat my sister down and had a long talk with her. I let her know that I love her, and that I will always be here for her. She will always have a place to eat, sleep, shower, w/e if she needs it, but that I can no longer put myself out there for her. It takes too much of my energy, and I have to focus on my family.

    See, I did not cut her out of my life, but I am not wasting anymore energy on her. She can come to me, I will no longer be going to her. I will not give her money - I refuse. No material items.

    I hope my story helps you.

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 5:58 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • OP - "Tough love" is what has been going on for the last year - she moved out, had little contact with us, screwed up her whole life (rock-bottom kind of thing) and I took the "no energy wasted" stance, then, and she came home saying she'd seen her mistakes and was ready to fix her relationship with her family and go back to school and all that, blah blah blah... And I took a pretty big hit on the worth of my car to sell it to her, plus fixed it up at my own expense beforehand, and she totals it in less than a week! So she blew the chance we gave her already, and I don't know what to do now...

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:07 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • sometimes, the best experiences in life are those in which you have to face, conquer and grow....the only way that your sister will be able to get her life together is by hitting rock bottom first...once she pulls herself up, she'll never want to repeat the same thing in a different relationship....I know its hard to watch her go through life changes but as long as you continue to pick her up, she'll always fall without learning how to stand on her own two feet. Your parents are doing right - regardless as to what she says about changing her life, until she does, step out of her life and allow her to find her own way...GL

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 6:28 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • Do waht is best for your family, but do what you can to tell her that you will always be there to listen to her. That way if she wants to get out, then she may be less likely to feel that she needs to stay due to no other alternative.
    She won't get out until she's ready- I hope she does.

    Answer by LadyAronna at 6:32 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • she has to learn. She obviously is choosing to learn the hard way. She sounds like she's just taking advantage of you and your parents, not really respecting anyone. I know it wouldn't be easy but maybe it's time to step away and let her find her own way. Don't enable her. Let her figure things out on her own. When she does then she can come back and teach your son good things, not be a bad example.

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:33 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

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