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What's the most appropriate thing to do when someone has had a miscarriage? Is a sympathy card appropriate? flowers?

A family member recently had a miscarriage at about 20 weeks. I don't know if she will name the baby or have any service. I wanted to let her know we are thinking of her but didn't want to do anything more to upset her during this time. Curious to hear what other moms think is appropriate under the circumstances. Thank you.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:02 PM on Jul. 14, 2009 in Pregnancy

Answers (9)
  • I don't think you need to get her anything. Just let her know you are there for her and offer as much support as you can. The only thing she needs is a shoulder to cry on and encouragement for the future.

    Answer by Ash9724 at 11:06 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • My friend just gave birth to her baby. She miscarried her first one. When I went to visit mom and the baby, I gave mom a necklace. It was one you get from hallmark that opens up and you can put charms in it. I gave her one with the birthstone of her daughter and a little angel. I told her the little girl with the birthstone was for her daughter and the angel was the one they lost. She thought it was perfect and glad that the baby will be remembered even though he or she didnt have a chance to make it. Its a hard topic to talk about but I am sure whatever you do, she will be happy that you cared.

    Answer by vickwu at 11:06 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • I think the most important thing is to let her know that you care. I had a friend whose baby died at around 18-20 weeks gestation and I know it was important for her to recognise that she has TWO daughters, not one, even though one is no longer with her. She had things made to commemorate her baby with the baby's foot prints and everything. It was very moving. I'm assuming that many mothers may feel the same way and would be comforted by other around them acknowledging their loss and celebrating the short life of their precious child.

    I'd personally send flowers and a child. Something simple and sweet. Something to let her know that you cherish that important little life too.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 11:08 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • Twenty weeks isn't a miscarriage to most people - they reall lost a child. I'd send a card.

    Answer by apexmommy at 11:12 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • Be there for her. She will need all the support she can get.

    Answer by rose549 at 11:16 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • I agree with vickwu and apexmommy. You need to do something and it should be something with thought.

    Answer by annamcg18 at 11:17 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • I misscarried at 10 weeks, and that was a difficult experience. I can imagine that at 20 weeks it would be even more difficult...
    Personally, I was hurt and upset when my friends didn't call or email to ask how I was doing. I know it is an uncomfortable situation and no one knows exactly what to say, but when they said nothing at all it made me feel worse. I felt that they didn't care, or couldn't be bothered. One of my friends sent flowers and a card and I found this incredibly comforting and sweet. To know that she took the time and effort and was thinking of me made me feel better. I think sending flowers and a card just to say "I'm thinking of you" is very sweet and always appropriate. It's not just about losing a baby, but also about losing all of the hopes and dreams you had for that child, and for your family.

    Answer by MummyAmanda at 11:27 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • My son was born at 24 weeks and survived for 19 days. I know at 20 weeks it would feel to me like more than a miscarriage as apexmommy said. Please do acknowledge it with a card, or something personalized, I have a feeling they will want to name the baby. My heart goes out to them !!

    Answer by mbc324 at 11:29 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

  • Instead of flowers consider a plant. Flowers die and, for some, can be a painful reminder of their loss. Maybe one that flowers annually at this time of year.

    Answer by desert_diva at 11:41 PM on Jul. 14, 2009

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