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"Rules for Young Adult Kids

My 19 yr, old finished her 1st year of college. We have set certain expectations knowing that they will be tested & broken. I was raised with high expectations. I disappointed my parents sometimes but 'cause the bar was high, I didn't push the limits as much as my friends with few or no rules. Our expectations: keep up your grades, no drugs, 1:30 curfew for this summer. The prob: She said she was spending the night at a girl's house, but she was at her boyfriend's house. For breaching our trust we grounded her for a week. When the week was up, we moved on..she takes the car, goes out, etc.. Her friends were appalled that she was grounded. She didn't argue. We know she and her boyfriend have sex, but his parents don't need to provide a comfy plance for them to be together. What rules should she have when she's home? What common courtesies should be expected of her living in our home? What financial responsibilities?Thx

 
24me

Asked by 24me at 12:43 PM on Jul. 15, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (19)
  • Wow, I am in a similar situation and yes I grounded my daughter. I totally agree with you on the sex, I am not going to provid a place for them to be cozy at. I also believe my house my rule. I think I have an awesome daughter but I will be respected and that is the bottom line. I think you should keep up with the good work she will understand one day, and will love you more for it.
    PurSatin

    Answer by PurSatin at 4:35 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • Well it's your house, your rules and if she wants to live there, then she should abide by them. When I was that age I didn't have a curfew, but if I were going to be out later tha 2am then I had better call and let them know. I also let them know if I wasn't going to be home at night, whether I was staying with a friend of with my boyfriend, I let them know. I didn't break the rules of the house like drugs and sex in my parents house, those were the 2 rules that weren't bendable and I didn't bend or break them.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 12:48 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • If I was your daughter i'd move out and probably not talk to you again for awhile. She's 19 and while she's living in your house, she should be allowed to do what she wants. It doesn't sound like she's out partying every night or causing fights. If she wants to stay the night with someone she should, whether it be her boyfriend or anyone else. As far as financial responsibilites...her own food and maybe a percentage of the utilities and rent...Seriously, lay off of her. You have to cut the cord sometime.
    sarapurser

    Answer by sarapurser at 12:50 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Oh and you totally contradicted yourself. "Adult Kids" not possible. She's an adult and you need to realize that.
    sarapurser

    Answer by sarapurser at 12:52 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Our children lived at home until they had finished their undergraduate degrees in college. We never had any problems with any of them. From early on, they were encouraged to entertain their friends in our home. They were very comfortable in doing that and I think they found a great deal of security from the sexual temptations by being in our home. I taught them from early on about the physical and emotional dangers of premarital sex, and they must have believed me. At this point in time, I think what I would do with your daughter is have her read EVERY YOUNG WOMAN'S BATTLE by Shannon Etheridge. Shannon is a young woman who engaged in promiscuity, learned from it, and is now warning other young women about the dangers of becoming involved in that kind of behavior. I think young women today do not understand how very detrimental pre-marital sex is to all other aspects of their lives. Maybe the book will help her see it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:52 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Wow-that previous poster has a thing agaisnt sex. She never said her daughter was being promiscuous. She's having sex with her boyfriend not the entire town.
    sarapurser

    Answer by sarapurser at 12:55 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • I don't agree that she should be doing what she wants, but I do agree that grounding a 19 year old is a bit absurd. I think that, if you know they are having sex, then she should be able to tell you openly that she is going to stay the night with her boyfriend. I mean, the cat is already out of the bad so to speak, whats the big deal?

    As far as money and things, the rules in my house always were that if we were in school full time, the basics (3 meals a day, electricity, etc.) would be paid for, but if I wanted extra (extra snacks, a special shampoo, a cell phone, etc.) then I had the option to get a part time job to pay for those things.
    If I was in school part time, then I needed to have a part time job, and pay $200 a month to help with living expenses.
    If I was not in school, then i needed to have a full time job, and pay $500 a month to pay for living expenses and be looking for a place to live on my own.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:56 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Oh I also paid "rent" to my parents every month and was still expected to help around the house
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 12:58 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Depends, if she is paying rent she should have "renter rules" (and be expected to do what you would expect some one you were renting to outside of the family to do, their own laundry, their own dishes...) if she isn't then give her the "kid rules". I think by 19 though you should be expecting her to act like an adult (paying for rent, food, getting her own car, and having a job), and treating her like an adult (I.E. not grounding her or a curfew).

    MythicMMM

    Answer by MythicMMM at 1:09 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Thanks for the responses. I do want to be clear that she isn't being promiscuous. However, we still don't agree with her having sex. I know she will continue, but I feel they should be uncomfortable in the back seat of a car, pay their own $ to get a room, wait til school starts, etc.....it just shouldn't be easy for them by being allowed to stay at his parents house. I had sex before marriage, but certainly didn't advertise it for any adult. The other point to make is she IS NOT paying for anything but gas. She straightens her room and cleans the bathroom every other week when asked to. Does her own laundry. She will grocery shop, for the family, with my credit card. She is a GREAT daughter and is still learning and so are we. I just don't get "She's 18 so she can now do whatever she wants" when most kids at that age are still dependent on their parents financially. I should clarify..late b-day...she'll be 19 in Sept
    24me

    Answer by 24me at 3:30 PM on Jul. 15, 2009