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HOW WOULD YOU FEEL

If, you adopted a child at 3 years old, the child is now 20,going to college,working,and yes,here comes Bio-mom,not just her,but all her family. I am hurt,and I keep trying to figure out,how she got my information.My sweet DD told me,she has spoken with them, and her Bio-mom,now has 8 more kids,the 3 oldest ones dropped out of school.What am I to do,am I supposed to push this relationship,my DD is very worry about me and my feelings,I want her to be happy.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:21 PM on Jul. 15, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • The fact that your DD came to you with this information speaks VOLUMES about how secure your position as mom is. Many adoptees (out of fear and confusion) don't tell their adoptive families that they have contact with their birth family.

    As an adoptee who is currently searching (and I'll be 40) I can tell you that your daughter needs you now more than ever. She's not searching for a mother-figure, she's not needing parenting from someone else. Even when you find a birth family who has different values, lifestyles, etc. than those in which you were raised - there is something that can bring closure to what has always been a question in your life. Non-adoptees don't understand that for many of us - in order to fully know ourselves we need to know our biological family.

    I wish you and your daughter the best of luck - equip yourself with what you can find on adoptees & reunion. Feel free to PM me if you would like to.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:22 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • i see your point, but i wouldnt discourage your child from having a relationship w/ the bm. after hearing about her other kids im sure your dd will see what a great mother you have been & how lucky she got to be adopted by you...you raised her - you are her mother.
    scooterpooter

    Answer by scooterpooter at 8:25 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Support YOUR daughter in this 100% you said she is worried about you then YOU are her MOTHER so just be there for her even if it gets bad or if is good. Your a special women.
    raemommy

    Answer by raemommy at 8:29 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • I'm not going to lie. It would be hard, but you need to support her in it and try not to let her see that it hurts you. YOU are her MOM. You were there for every tear, fear or boo boo. You poured your life into hers. You didn't give her life, but you made her your world and gave of yourself in a way that only MOM could. Try to stand back and let her explore this relationship and see if it buds into a friendship. However, be at rest in knowing that NO ONE can replace YOU.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:00 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • She has a right to know her biological family. Dont be insecure. If you raised her to be kind and loving person, then she wont just abandon you because her bio family shows up. If you are worried she wont love you anymore & will just run off with them then I'd be looking into my own life to see why I think this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:06 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Firstly you should know that your feelings are common and highly understandable. I can recommend the most wonderful book on reunion: "Birthright: A guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents." by Jean A Strauss. Also I run a group called Adoption Reunion. It's an open group so you can just read some of the posts if you like, but I'd love to see more Adoptive moms there. http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 9:14 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • For more immediate help, here is a link to an Adoptee Support group called "Chosen Babies" run by Adult Adoptees. This is a link to an article there called "Recommendations for Adoptive Parents" I hope you find it usefull. http://www.chosen-babies.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=44&Itemid=54

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 9:15 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • I would not push the relationship, but let your dd lead it. If she wants to see them, just be supportive. Let her know you love her and will always be there for her....you are her mom no matter what. Just trust in the way you raised her.
    robinann5

    Answer by robinann5 at 9:28 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • If,I could,I would choose most of your answers as the best answer,I thank you all for being so understanding, I was going out of my mind,to the person who said,I should check my own life if I was worry, I am worry because this my baby, if a stranger came and tried to talk to your child,wouldn't you be worry. To onethentwins,you are a Godsend blessings.I want to support my child,and yes being that we are mild-mannered church going people,her bio mom isn't,my DD told me the older ones don't go to school and they were smoking in front of her.I know she may have questions,but, I want her to be safe .I think the bio-mom should have approached me first,so, I could prepare her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • This "stranger" gave birth the your child. She may not be living her life they way you think she should but just because one does not attend church does not make one a "dangerous" or "bad" person.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 PM on Jul. 15, 2009