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OK, Ladies. I need some cold-hard advice here...

My MIL has almost an uncanny ability to piss me off. I mean... it's gotten worse and worse over the years, to the point where, I feel like I'm about to vomit blood, I'm hyperventilating, and I can't think straight. She means well.. sometimes. We just don't mesh most of the time. We're polar opposites, practically.
My mother and my best friend constantly tells me I should just take it with a grain of salt, ignore her if I can, and move on. Be gracious.
This is very sound advice, problem is, I can do it.. but sometimes, what she says sticks in my craw. I can't get over it. I try to, making sure I'm not being petty, but I remember the incident for DAYS... and I end up getting so ticked off, I delete her from everything. IM, myspace, etc. Childish, I know.
But I can't confront her. She manipulates, she turns her words back onto me, she cries, she stomps around, she slams doors... I can't stand that...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:50 PM on Jul. 15, 2009 in About CafeMom

Answers (10)
  • OP!!
    Of course, I can't just ignore her for the rest of my life. That's.. ridiculous. She's the grandmother of my grandson.
    She says shit like "Well, YOU need to realize that I'm (DH) mother, and I'll say whatever I damn well please."
    But.. she has completely NO sensitivity for my feelings.
    I'm so very close to just... self destructing on her. I have a very foul and quick temper, and so far, I've kept it in check. And I will explode. I can feel it. And when that time comes, I feel like there will be no repairing things. I love the woman, I do... she just infuriates me sometimes.

    So... what do you suggest? Any tips on a sticky situation like this?
    And DH does try to help.. but she is a force to be reckoned with. The day you take anyone's side but hers, is the day where your life is hell...well, even more so than it is.

    Give me something! I need something...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:52 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • my boyfriend and my mom got into ot one day. he finally just told her how he felt and now they get along. i would just say speak up and tell her what you don't like about her, and let her tell you what she don't like about you and try and work it out for your husband, and your kids. good luck!! you can im me if you like.
    okc-mom-2

    Answer by okc-mom-2 at 8:55 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • It's a control battle and you seem to be playing it right along with her. Respect is earned not given. Write her a letter and leave out of the unnecessary crap and tell her that you won't be disrespected by her any longer. If she refuses to be respectful of you then she will not remain a part of your lives. It's really that simple. When her son married you, he cut the cord with her. If she can't remain civil and be respectful then she needs to buzz off. Just because she's the grandmother doesn't give her a free ride to be verbally abusive. In the long run, your child(ren) will see how you let her treat you and they will treat you the same way.

    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 8:59 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • I would say (and I am not exagerating, I have gone through something similar with my FIL)

    "I don't CARE if you are my SO's mother. This is MY house. I am TIRED of you disrespecting me in MY house. Treat me how you want outside of here - that is your prerogative. But in MY house you WILL treat me with respect, or I will ask you to leave."

    Thats what I said to him (obviously replace the mother with father) he hasn't treated me like shit since, and that was 2 years ago.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 9:01 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • OP here again... Sorry, I hate hiding behind the curtain like this - seems so petty, but my MIL is on this site, and I don't want to risk it.. heh.
    Anywho. Thanks SO much for all your advice, whether harsh or not, I need it! I need my butt kicked and put on the move.
    However, the reason why I'm so hesitant to approach her sometimes... is because sometimes, yes, it IS my fault that I took that extra step to be so butt hurt about her comment. It might be because I'm already so sensitive against her remarks, that now it's out of control.
    So I don't want to approach her, which I plan on doing tonight, once and for all, better or for worse, and completely blame her... and I don't want to be petty myself. I want to have valid reasons.. seems like by the time I do, everything's settled until the next time I self implode. *sigh*
    Someone just needs to slap me.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:09 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • Ah, sounds like me. Though I'm thankful that my MIL doesn't have a computer or she'd have to be on EVERYTHING I'm on...I am pretty good at being able to just shrug off what she says, though one instant will never leave. I can't have anymore children. I have just my 13 year old. Anyway, one day when he was young (about 5 or 6), old enough to question about some things, my MIL, right in front of me, kept on asking him 'Wouldn't it be nice to have a brother or sister to play with? Wouldn't that be so nice?' GRRRRRR!! And I only live 3 miles from her. HOWEVER, being that my hubby works away from home and I have health problems, they have been around to help when I need them. It is very hard to find the balance when people that you try to get along with feel like just being plain hurtful at times.
    Mrs.Frazzle

    Answer by Mrs.Frazzle at 9:17 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • You should just talk to her. That's all you can do. Explain your feelings. Just talk.
    K_Sawyer

    Answer by K_Sawyer at 10:08 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • I agree you should talk to her. I would suggest that you take her to lunch. No scenes because you are in public and your kids can't see. Use the feel, felt, find method. I know how you feel, I have felt that way myself, but this is what I have found. Do not use the word YOU. This way she can't take it personally. Tell her the mother you need to be to your children,and these are the rules of your house. You hope she still wants to visit, but there is no negotiation. The first time she breaks the rules, respectfully has her to leave, and don't invite her back for a few days or a week. And tell her when she leaves that you will call her to invite her over for her next week. If she shows up unannounced, just step outside your door, and tell her you haven't been to call her for a visit yet. Honey goes so much farther then vineager, and if she wants to see her son and grandkids she will get the message soon.
    moneymagnetmom

    Answer by moneymagnetmom at 11:18 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • You say you love her and that it is just her personality. She is clearly not going away or going to change so all you can do is change the way you deal with her. A member of my family has this verbal emotional bully personality too. I used to constantly have my feeling hurt bc I was on edge just expecting her so say something outrageous. I finally made peace with who she is and put my thick skin on when I am around her. Mostly I turn my listening skills down. I am somewhat distracted while I am around her thinking of other things and playing deaf. If she says something minorly offensive I brush it off. If she says something majorly offensive I IMMEDIATATELY say something to correct it "Why would you say that? That is actually my favorite item. My kids ARE fine." Those things have worked for me... good luck
    Niki_sd

    Answer by Niki_sd at 9:38 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • After dealing with a impossible MIL for 18 years here is what I did. I made my husband have a talk with her. This is his Mother and he should be dealing with her. Make him tell her either respect is given to my wife and you can keep your mouth shut, whether or not you agree or disagree with what ever we do as a family. Worked like a charm!!!
    Yebbers

    Answer by Yebbers at 11:05 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

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