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Being a birthmother... when does the shame and guilt go away?

It's just hitting me hard.. I'm only two years in.


Asked by rainfalls at 11:19 PM on Jul. 15, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (20)
  • I find it interesting that most people who are not birth moms believe that the guilt and shame go away, or that you can just let go of it. Many also believe that you "get over" your loss. However, most birth moms understand that the tough stuff that birth moms deal with never completely leaves you. You learn ways to deal with it, including finding ways to be happy, forgive yourself and find some resolution. But, I do not believe that ALL the guilt and shame ever leaves you. It may affect you less as time passes, but, I think it continues to be a challenge for most of us off and on throughout our lives. Your adoption experience becomes a part of who you are, not all of who you are, but part of you. The pain and guilt will probably affect you less as time goes by, but, it will take time and lots of work.

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:21 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • I have 4 children whom I love. I am lucky that I was married, and all my children live with me. If you gave your baby up for adoption, you have my admiration. So many girls chose abortion, or keep the child. I feel that the mother who gives up her baby, is the one who truly loves her child because she is not selfish. The birthmother is thinking of the baby. Love is not a feeling...It is a commitment. The baby now has a stable home, two parents, and a chance at a better life.

    I am sorry that you feel shame and guilt. You have to decide to let those feelings go. If you feel that you did the best you could for your baby, why should you feel those feelings? Just imagine the love your baby has from you to give him/her the best life, and the love he/she will get from his new parents. How much God loves you for bringing this new life in the world. Be content that you made the right choice, the best choice for your child.

    Answer by moneymagnetmom at 11:31 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • (cont)

    You can also continue on with your life (make the right choices--go to school, get married, etc). This way your next child will have all the advantages of you being prepared and ready to welcome him/her into the world.

    If you are still sad, call a church. I'm Catholic and they support adoption, so they probably have good counselors who may have actually been in your shoes. And give yourself time to heal. Of course you will still be sad, but don't be ashamed that you give life, and love into the world.

    I wish more woman had the courage that you do. I hope you feel better. You will be in my prayers.\

    God Bless.

    Answer by moneymagnetmom at 11:36 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • There is no reason to feel guilt and shame. Let those feelings go.
    If you don't have other children don't make things worse by spending time on web sites like this.

    Answer by Gailll at 11:44 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • you gave your child the greatest gift: a stable home with two parents who are financially and emotionally stable and can give your child the greatest chance at a good life.

    Answer by rkoloms at 11:49 PM on Jul. 15, 2009

  • There is nothing to be ashamed of. You did the best you could with what you had at the time in a difficult situation. Let the guilt go! Your child is happy and healthy right? You gave him/her life! Celebrate that and let yourself off the chopping block.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:28 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • My Birthmom did they best thing by giving me up.. We have a relationship now that I'm an adult and many times she cries and tells me she's sorry.... I don't think it ever really goes away, but know you did the best thing... Hugs!!!

    Answer by Mom2princessq at 12:48 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • From what I can see, the shame never fully goes away. I know the most fabulous, confident successful bmoms in their 60's that admit they still feel shame. You just have to keep fighting it! And, even then you give yourself a pat on the back for being brave and shameless one day, and then you kick yourself for missing out on an opportunity to tell your story because you didn't feel you  had the guts the next.

    My therapist once asked me if I realized that I did the best I could at that time. I answered NO. Maybe when we can answer "yes, with what I knew and the resources I had, I did the best I knew how." Maybe then the guilt will go away.


    Answer by onethentwins at 2:00 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • onethentwins is exactly on point. it is exactly what i would say- my therapist said the same words to me.just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you have been doing.continue to feel the good that is in your life you deserve to feel good.try vrry hard to get into therapy or theraputic eill help. take care

    Answer by drfink at 2:16 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • I would recommend that you go to the birthmoms group and ask this question.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:13 AM on Jul. 16, 2009