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To birthmothers: Was your motivation in part or wholly based on providing a childless, infertile couple with a child?

I have seen this comment, and was honestly wondering if this was a factor in your decision to place, and what other factors came into play? Feel free to answer ANON.

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doodlebopfan

Asked by doodlebopfan at 10:45 AM on Jul. 16, 2009 in Adoption

Level 20 (9,525 Credits)
Answers (27)
  • My motivation for choosing adoption was the plain and simple truth; no support from family or my boyfriend to raise my son. My parents were so ashamed they wouldn't tell other family members who would have helped me. The state refused assistance since I was a minor living at home. With no jobs available in the small community, no car or means to buy one to get a job in the city an hour away I had no financial means to care for him.  My family didn't support my decision to raise my son and told me to get out of their home. My boyfriend wasn't interested in raising a child, with no where to live, no money and no support to keep my child I felt incapable. I had no choice but to find a family to raise my son.

    One of my requirements when looking for a family however was they must never be able to have children of their own.  I wanted him to keep his birth order and never deal with possible favortism of biological children.

    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:06 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • I didn't place my child with a couple who was infertile. A part of me regrets that.. I kind of wish I would have, but I was very selfish in who I chose to be my son's parents.

    rainfalls

    Answer by rainfalls at 11:15 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • Oh.. just re-read your question. NO, that wasn't my motivation AT ALL! My motivation, at the time, was to place my son in a home where I knew he was safe, and had all the stupid materialistic things I wanted him to have.

    rainfalls

    Answer by rainfalls at 11:17 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • Blessedwboysx3-Thank you for sharing your story. That was a difficult decision and I am sorry that you had to go thru it. I do like keeping the birth order the same when you can, (being an oldest, myself.)
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:19 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • rainfalls-given your situation and that your parents were willing to help, you made the most absolutely wise decision and what was best for your son. He wasn't "a gift" to give to someone else, he is your flesh and blood, and keeping him close to you, and trusting your parents to raise him was a great decision on your part. One day he may even thank you for it. Hugs!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:23 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • rainfalls-I KNOW I didn't read your answer as "you regret not giving him to a childless, infertile couple!" LOL! And I do know where your heart was, right with your son. You are still a brave Mama Bear in my book, for standing your ground on who was going to raise him. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:26 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • Rainfalls: I agree. He is still in your life, you get to see him grow and still finish growing yourself. You asking your parents to take your child was the most logical scenario out there. Having parents who are able/willing to do it, is not common or I think more would do it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:33 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • One of my requirements when looking for a family however was they must never be able to have children of their own. I wanted him to keep his birth order and never deal with possible favortism of biological children.

    I'm actually a little bit stunned by this comment. As a mom of both bio and adopted children, I can guarantee that favoritism doesn't come into play at all. In fact, my husband and I had to laugh because I was trying to remember how long I was in labor for each child and when it came to our daughter's turn, I was like "Honey, I can't remember how long I was in labor with [child's name]?" He started laughing and then I realized that I never gave birth to her. I think you'll find that most adopted parents with bio children feel the same way. Birth order is important, which is why we'll never adopt a child older than our oldest, but we do plan on adopting more.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:00 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • It was not a factor in my turning to adoption as a plan when I found myself pregnant at 19. I knew that I could not face abortion (I'm an adoptee myself) and at the time I was in crisis and didn't evaluate my own potential or the willingness of my family (and the birthfather's) who in all liklihood would have supported me.

    That said, I was quite taken aback by how the adoption agency (and I screened several) pressed this issue. I was there to chose a safe and loving home for my child. They consistently pressed the issue of how the vast majority of couples were unable to have children and that my decision to place would be fulfilling this dream for that adoptive couple. I'm 100% sure that if my daughter's adoptive parents had known that this was the factor that was highlighted (instead of all the wonderful parenting qualities they had to offer) they would have been furious. To press this aspect does great diservice to all.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 2:02 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • As we all know, infertile couples looking to adopt are somehow more deserving of a child then anyone else right? ~yes, sarcastic...in case you dont get that part~
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:15 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

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