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Do you ever feel like Amoms/Paps try to make their 'birthmother' sound like trash?

I constantly see questions where amom's or paps are asking a question about their birth mother, and instead of sticking to the question they go off on how they have "mental illness" or they think they are "doing drugs." Like, is that necessary? Does it make them feel more supier to tell everyone about what they think their personal life is like to make them sound bad?

Oh, and I'm not a birth mother. I'm a adoptive mother. My birth mother is amazing. She's 21, a junior in college and just got accepted into the nursing program. She has her issues with the adoption.. it's really hard on her, but she's an amazing woman. I don't know her fully, and I just believe it's wrong to make assumptions.

What if your's and her child comes across this site one day and finds every negative thing you have said about his birth mother. Believe it or not but he/she is a part of her. He may also feel like he's being attacked.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:26 AM on Jul. 16, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (54)
  • Its a blanket assumption that all bmoms are druggies or mental or didn't "want" to parent. It makes some aparents feel better to think bmom is "less than". How could they say they are making a better life for the child then bmom could if she is on a level playing field with them?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:29 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • I think that, that question can go both ways..

    I am a AMOM who loves our birthmom...and yes she did drugs...damn who did not try
    drugs at one time in their life...

    I love her because she made me a mother, and I will always be there for her no matter what....

    Answer by Dannee at 11:42 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • I only asked a question about the legal process. I would not have anything about her being on drugs or anything if the anon poster wouldn't what she did. Eventually if adoptees r curious enough they will find all the skeletons in theirs BPs closet. I'm not adopted and I have still looked up everything about my family criminal history, health record, death certificates etc. I never degrade my sons BM in front of him and if wants to talk about her we can talk. He has all the answers he needs right now.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 11:44 AM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • OP: Instead of trying to start trouble here, count your blessings.

    We have had it both ways: Our older child's bmom is a doll, she is smart, funny, placed when she was in college, has gone on the graduate, get married, have other kids, have a career, has become a friend and someone who I hold up as role model for our older daughter.

    I too thought all bmoms were wonderful.

    Then we adopted again....our younger child's bmom lied to us about a lot of things when she was pregnant and afterwards and has had such an unstable history that her calls are usually around what terrible circumtance she got herself into with drugs or violence.

    I thought that love would solve all and that open adoption was the greatest thing based on our first situation. We love them both but I will never pre-judge someone on here again when I hear about problems.

    You have a great bmom, congrats, not everyone had. Dont judge.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:15 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • Hmmm.....our daughter's birthmom is a cocaine addicted prostitute that has been arrested over 35 times for solicitation since 2004.

    Love her for giving our daughter life, but she is what she is. Doesn't make her any less of a person, just makes her have a lot of problems.

    Oh and Dannee, here I am - - one woman who has NEVER tried drugs.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:56 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • Good for you are a smart woman

    Answer by Dannee at 1:10 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • This might sound picky, but the only person entitled to call a birthmother "my" birth mom is an adopted child. For an adoptive parent to call a birth mom, "my" birth mom has a very distasteful she is your possession and belongs to you.

    As for some adoptive parents pointing out the flaws in their child's birth mom, I think it is as simple as needing to justify the adoption. Some adoptive parents have some guilt and need to constantly reassure others that their child's birth mother was not fit or able to parent. Sometimes, it may be true, other times, it is something an amom tells herself to ease her guilt and makes her feel superior.

    It is just plain silly for ANYONE to think ALL birth or adoptive moms are exactly the same. Women choose to relinquish or adopt for many different reasons. We all have different backgrounds, personalities and these factors affect our life choices and how we deal with life

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:36 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • I think that lots of us try to include details here in an attempt to clarify our specific situations because the topic of conversation can get so highly charged, and because the conversations can swirl down a completely unrelated path when we leave out details of our situation.

    It's kind of like when we use terms like birth mother, adoptive mother, etc. here for clarity's sake but we don't use it in everyday language with people who already know these things. Remember all the fuss that occurs when the conversations about the term "mom" have occured?

    So, maybe in order to avoid assumptions (and sometimes the heated responses) we all put in details and facts that just aren't all nice, pretty, and butterflies - I mean at the heart of this section is a child who for whatever reason wasn't able to stay with their family of birth.

    But, I do agree OP that I worry that how we speak here will be felt by our children :(

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:50 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • QuotingSouthernroots: This might sound picky, but the only person entitled to call a birth mother "my" birth mom is an adopted child. For an adoptive parent to call a birth mom, "my" birth mom has a very distasteful she is your possession and belongs to you.

    Now for me to Pick on your answer.....that is just your opinion....I at times call my daughters birth mother our birth mom or my birth mom....and SHE does not care...
    She is not my possession nor have I ever looked at her that way...

    Words just come out, words that you seem to pick apart...

    Answer by Dannee at 1:58 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

  • The amusment level in this section is a 10 today. Nobody called you Psycho dannee!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 PM on Jul. 16, 2009

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