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20 yr old son unmotivated

Thank you all for you useful comments on the topic of my 20 yr old son who isn't motivated to get a JOB. I am moving in 2 weeks so I gave my son a deadline; have a job by that time or he will have to stay with his friends. I have already given him 3 weeks +the next 2 will be 5 weeks to pursue some kind of job. He tells me that he hates it down here and that's why he is not motivated to get a job here. I reiterated to him that if he doesn't show some effort and get out there and work, I will put him out. I told him that it seems that is the only way he is going to learn how to handle life, the hard way. Inside, I hate to do it! He just says, if I screw up then I will have to deal with it. I can't figure out his thinking....I am trying to remind myself that although he doesn't give me any major problems in other areas, I have to literally push him out to get him to fend for himself. Any words of encouragement are appreciated.

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Asked by dsweet01 at 8:39 PM on Jul. 16, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (10)
  • Do what you are doing. If he doesn't find a job with in the time you are giving then kick him out. He seems he needs He needs to learn the hard way. My mother did the same thing to me. When I was 19 I lost my job and she gave me three months to find a job and because I wasn't trying she booted my butt out. It made me wake up fast and I started looking for a job and I found one. At first I was mad at my mother but now I am glad she was so hard on me.


    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 AM on Jul. 17, 2009

  • Maybe give him a little more time...a couple weeks is pretty hard to find a job in this economy. But definitely be firm with him about a deadline.

    Answer by DCchick06 at 10:43 AM on Jul. 17, 2009

  • alright, im 20 myself.. and i live with my parents. and what i have learned is if my parents are really lenient with me, im going to walk all over them. ESPECIALLY if they say they are going to do something (like kick me out for example) and they end up not doing it, or procrastinating about it. i know it's hard to just kick your kid out of the house but if you are firm about it, and just do it, they WILL get the picture. and they WILL come crawling back when things don't work out with their friends. that might just be the motivation your son needs.

    Answer by exxOHjackie at 9:20 PM on Jul. 17, 2009

  • Good luck to your son. I have 2 different college degrees and have been unemployed for 17 months. There are very few jobs out there and tons of applicants for one position opening.
    My solution has been to return to school. Is school an option for him?
    My son is 22. I never pushed his options. He moved out a few months ago and has finally decided to go to school and study a field he is interested in.
    At 20, he may still be undecided in what he wants to do with his life. How about him meeting with a career counselor at a community college near you?

    Answer by PrttyMstng at 8:54 AM on Jul. 18, 2009

  • He hates it down here? Can he go back to where he is happy and possibly motivated? how about college? he could get a grant and live on campus. There are all sorts of options for him. I'd think he'd enjoy the challenge of finding what's right for him.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:37 PM on Jul. 18, 2009

  • well i gone through this with my son and he dont really like the people where i live but hes 20 sooo he decided to go to trade school , i think its more hanging out but at least hes up 6.30 am and home 4.30 so hes learning how the real world is. I also learned the adjustment period aint easy for them, mine graduated in 08 and made a mess till now to fix it. I got him into a church program and he made some good solid friends who dont drink or smoke pot so thats good. He looks foward to going to church and school.I know they change from day to day with the atitude but hang in it wouold get better.

    Answer by lawla at 10:13 PM on Jul. 18, 2009

  • Well, he's well past old enough to take care of himself so stick with the deadline. How is 20 too young to know what you want? Parents raise their children to STAY children these days. I had 4 sons and I didn't raise 4 boys....I raised 4 boys to grow in to MEN. He can get a job at any fast food place, grocery store, etc. and if he has to he can work 2 jobs. Nothing gets handed to people. You have to work for it and eventually your plate empties a bit and life gets easier but it doesn't happen over night.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:53 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • What does he do at home? Isn't he bored? Doesn't he want to make money .to spend with friends .like going to the shore or out to eat. etc. He might even feel important. as well' how did he do in school. was he a pretty good student? He doesn't seem that sure of himself.
    help him gain confidenece in himself. Have him do things for you around the house ,have him fix things that need fixing that can be fixed. Have him help you make dicesions .

    Answer by incarnita at 7:02 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • "what i have learned is if my parents are really lenient with me, im going to walk all over them."

    BRAVO!! Perfectly put!

    Stick to your guns.. In my opinion, he is testing you, thinking you will not put him out.. Seriously, why should he get off his butt and work if he is pretty sure he doesn't have to?

    Answer by Mad_Hexer at 11:51 AM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • I agree - You have to show a bit of 'Tough Love'. Sometimes kids have to learn by failing! Falling HARD on their faces are the best lessons - it certainly did for my husband and I!

    Answer by RutterMama at 1:51 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

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