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If you have cheated and your spouse knows, how long are you punished?

I cheated on my husband years ago. He just found out this week, after asking me about it in a conversation. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I have felt horrible for years about it. I apologized and he said things were fine and he forgave me, and we had a long talk about it. But he is acting so passive agressive, acting interested then refusing to have sex, making jokes about it all the time in front of friends of family (not saying exactly what happened, just little things that hint at something and are hurtful even though they don't know what he is talking about), and telling me he is mad and can't stand me then saying "just kidding". I understand he may be hurt, and this is his way of dealing, but I am 9 months pregnant and this is really starting to wear me down too. I can't eat or sleep and I feel sick all the time. I know I deserve his anger, but how long do I have to take this?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:04 AM on Jul. 19, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • You should not have told him. Never ever ever tell... Now you have to deal with the consequences
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:05 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I would have another sit down with him and answer any questions he has and talk to him about how he's making u feel
    Dom123123

    Answer by Dom123123 at 1:07 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • What you need to do is Sit him down and Talk Have him tell you exactly how he is feeling MIND you that the things he says will hurt. Tell him that you want to work this out and that you are sorry and you know that sorry is not going to solve anything. Also since he did in fact just find out the reason he is probably stopping from having sex is because he remembers and it is a turn off. I think you just need to sit him down and talk maybe get some counseling

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:07 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I cheated years ago when we were first dating, but I told him that very same night. HE forgave me a long time ago, and does not hold a grudge. It was long before we were married, I was extremely drunk, and my remorse was so strong I almost couldn't live with myself. I have been punished by my own guilt to this very day. It's not the kind of person I am, he is so amazing, and I am eternally grateful to him for giving me a second chance. So, in other words, the punishment is all self-inflicted.
    StefanieN84

    Answer by StefanieN84 at 1:08 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • "You should not have told him. Never ever ever tell... Now you have to deal with the consequences"

    So she should have lied? Some people are honest, and deserve to deal with the consequences. It's called having morals and values.
    StefanieN84

    Answer by StefanieN84 at 1:09 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I would like to add....what I would say to him is that you will make it up to him. Let him know that you truly didn't mean it and that from this day forward, you will show him how much you love him and how much he can trust you. Let him know that even if it takes time to truly prove it, you WILL eventually. Also, explain to him that he has every right to be upset....because he does. start tonight by being honest, and stick to it.
    StefanieN84

    Answer by StefanieN84 at 1:11 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • OP here, I told him because he asked. I didn't want to lie to him in the first place, and felt he had the right to know. It just came at a horrible time, when I am having some problems late in pregnancy and could have the baby any day now and need his support more than ever. He suspected something all along, but never wanted to bring it up. We were having problems in our marriage then, and he had done a lot of lying as well. Since then we have worked through things and gotten so much closer and stronger in our relationship. He kept telling me I should be relieved I don't have any secrets from him any more, but I hate that he sees me so differently now. Things have been perfect, and now it feels like everything is just shattered. I don't even know how I am supposed to act around him anymore.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:15 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • OP, eventually time will heal this, and you won't feel so weird. The more time that passes, the better it will be. Not to mention, you're about to have a baby, which is HUGE and will be an experience that will bring you so much closer together. At least he's trying to be understanding about it...I think he's handling it better than most guys would. Focus on your baby, try to forgive yourself, and make a promise to yourself that you will never repeat this behavior, and acknowledge that you've learned a lesson from it. At least after doing it, you know the guilt you would feel if you did it again, and that alone reassured me that I would NEVER, EVER cheat on someone again.
    StefanieN84

    Answer by StefanieN84 at 1:21 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I would be acting the same as him, not saying its ok that he is being mean im just saying this is his way of dealing with it and he is still hurt and very angry, you have to sit back down and have a talk with him, tell him that he can trust you, how much you lokve him and and have a lot to think and worry about with a babyo n the way, that you want to do whatever it takes t o get passed it..
    Eveshalloween

    Answer by Eveshalloween at 1:23 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • OP again. Thanks everyone and StefanieN84 especially for your point of view since you have been through it. We also have a 3 year old so we spend a lot of time focusing on caring for him, so it makes it hard to be able to have the conversations we need to have because by the time he is in bed my husband is exhausted from working all day and ends up falling asleep. I think that is part of why I am up in the middle of the night so upset today. We actually had a kid-free night and rented a movie and I was hoping we could spend some time talking and enjoying each others company but he fell asleep as soon as the movie went off. I know things will feel better in time since it has only been 3 days since he found out but its just so hard right now. But it helps a lot just getting it out, since no one in our everyday life knows about it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 AM on Jul. 19, 2009

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