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How do I deal with unexpected step-child?

So my husband of five years has a teenage daughter. There was issues and they havn't talked in 6 years. Yes I knew he had a daughter when I married him but I never expected to have to deal with this. So now that she is old enough to decide she wanted to talk to him she is talking to him...a lot. Which is fine except that this has been going on for a few months now and that is all he spends his extra time doing is talking to her. Let me just say I am happy for him. He is so happy that she is talking to him again. But not only is he spening money that we don't have on her and the time away from our kids. I am just not sure how to deal with it or how much longer I should wait before I should say something. I don't know how to deal with the situation. Anyone have some advise?

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Asked by rlapierre03 at 1:33 PM on Jul. 19, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • I would say that unfortunately you're probably going to have to let it slide. The thing is he is probably eaten up with guilt because he didn't speak to his child for six years. Imean wouldn't you be? He's trying to make up for lost time because he feels bad about what happened and therefore hes doing the same thing he did to her to your bio children. Not okay but also easy to figure out whats going on. Take it into your own hands and start planning family outings involving all of you. Don't start a fight about this subject with your husband, whatever you do. Go about it like this... say "I am so excited ___ is back in your life and I'm glad you're talking but I'd also like to get to know her and I know the kids would like to know her too. Lets go to ___ this weekend and all get to know each other. I want her to feel like part of the family" Maybe this would be the best way to go about things. Good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • Maybe make suggestions that he do things with her that can include your family too - she is, afterall, your children's sister, and they should be able to enjoy getting to know her too.

    Suggest trips to the park, river, beach (if you have these things in your area) camping trips, lunches, zoo, etc. Anything he can do with her he can do with the rest of his family at the same time.

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 1:42 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I agree with the moms above me....try to make her part of your family, she is your children's sister, just invite her to your home, make her feel part of your daily life. GL

    Answer by robinann5 at 2:37 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • Does he pay child support for her? Has he paid it all these years? Perhaps you can talk to him about a budget and limiting the extra money he spends. I'm sure he's just trying to make up for lost time and it might even slack off soon. It never hurts to discuss your concerns. Can she come stay with you for a while and that way he's with all the kids and not taking away from anyone? Compromise sounds like a good word to consider.

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:04 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I will have to say you sound exactly like my dad's wife....long story but I did not see my father from 5 years old until 19 years old. He had a new life, kids, wife, a completly new family. It was hard for me to deal with that & honestly I did not feel comfortable around his family because in some way's it was almost hurtful to me that he got a new life. She's a young girl who wants to get to know her dad. YOu can't deny her that right to know her father. My dad's wife got on my dad's case about the time he was spending with me too. I mean really...what are you going to say...don't spend time with your daughter? Why don't you try inviting her over..see if she would like spending time with the entire family. Then he could spend time with all of his children.

    Answer by jfblaine at 4:02 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • you better be nice to his daughter or you're going to be his new ex. He hasn't seen her in years and frankly it's more important that she get the time in with her father than you do. So he doesn't have the money to do things for her.. most people don't have the money to do things for their kids but they do them anyway. I'm sorry that you married a man that you thought wouldn't pay attention to his own daughter (if you think about it that way why would you marry him and have kids with him in the first place anyway..) but she's here now. Like it or not she was here first and above you and your kids in the rank structure.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:02 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I wish I could say it was that easy. If she lived close I would have no problem with her spending time with the whole family, doing stuff together. I had a step parent that was horrible to me. I know how it feels and I would never say he couldn't talk to her. With her being over 500 miles away.(We wouldn't have moved so far if we had any idea that the mother would let her talk to my husband again) The mother wouldnt let him see his daughter or talk to him. I am happy for him!! My problem was trying to deal with all the time he was spening talking on the phone(we have to signal in house) se he got her a cell phone so he could talk to her for free. He goes outside and sits and talks and dosn't want a bunch of people trying to talk to him when he is talking. So any free time he has is outside talking on the phone. I had no idea it would be soooo hard for me to deal with.....So I am sorry I didn't explainmyself better to some

    Answer by rlapierre03 at 12:24 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

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