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What would you say to DH if he acts like he does not like your son?

My dh, obviously not my ds's father, acts like he just does not like him. They used to have a great relationship and he was an awesome father figure to him. Now it seems all he does is look for things that ds does wrong so that he can yell at him or complain about it to me. He says that I dont discipline him enough. I think alot of the things that he does are common kid things and dh blows them out of proportion. IE. forgetting to take out the trash, leaving his bike across the street, going in/out the door alot. I am not saying that I say nothing when these things happen it is just not a major offense in my book. DH and I have a great relationship and a daughter in common. I do not believe in just up and leaving, I want to know how can I work this out between them. My son feels like dh hates him and he is not part of the family, especially w a different last name than the rest of us. Please no rude comments. My son is 9.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:43 PM on Jul. 19, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (14)
  • Have you talked to your DH about this? If they had such a great relationship previously maybe something has happened that has triggered your DH's actions towards your son?(Not saying it is right by any means, it isn't fair to your son.)
    KalebsMommee

    Answer by KalebsMommee at 2:50 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I personally wouldn't allow someone to treat my child like that no matter how much I loved them. Maybe you could talk to him about it and try to get him to see if from you or your son's side.
    If all else fails, would your sons father take him? If he's a decent person who loves and cares for your son, wouldn't it be better to allow him a loving family and home?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • Anony 1:57 I don't think the answer is giving up her son for a man! What kinda mother would even do that! Can you imagine how that would make a 9 year old boy feel! Well my new hubby don't like you anymore so your going to live with your dad now! Awful.
    I say talk to your hubby a bout it though...your son should not be treated that way & He should always feel loved. Good father figure's don't have to be biological dad's & if something has changed & he does not care for your son the way he did before then maybe you need to find out why. It could be just as simple as he's getting frusterated & needs some time away. It happens to the best. I would talk to him calmly about it don't let your emotions get the best of you. I know it would be hard because it's your son how can you not be mad & emotional. Make sure your hubby knows that it's hurting your son.
    jfblaine

    Answer by jfblaine at 3:30 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • You are a Mom FIRST, and a wife second. You have to tell your DH how your son feels. You have to make it CLEAR what your, and your sons, expectations and standards are for the relationship between them. Have you discussed the discipline rules? Set up any ground rules?
    say_tay

    Answer by say_tay at 3:58 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • When you have a child, every decision that you make must be based on what is best for the child. You should certainly try family therapy; your husband may have a chemical imbalance that is affecting his emotions.

    Good luck to your little boy
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:23 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • Orginial OP HERE!!


    My questions was WHAT do I say to him? How would would try to get your point across?


    jfblaine..I really like your answer. That is what I am looking for, a way to talk to him without letting my emotions get the best of me. I would NEVER give up my son for any man! That is exactly what his paternal grandmother did, and his father grew up to be nothing but a worthless druggie.  I also want to clarify that DH is never physically or verbally abusive to my son. Just very hard on him. DS is ADHD and according to the testing has little to no short term memory, so something you tell your kids 100 x's, I have to tell him 500. I just need a way to get this across to DH without fighting about it, because of course I get very very defensive on this subject.


    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:39 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I would do it w/o the kids around...because they just don't need to even overhear a conversation like that. It's a hard one. I mean I would start off by telling him that your son loves him like a daddy & looks up to him & needs him as a good father figure. That's (i'm sure) a big reason that you chose him for your hubby, because of his connection with your son. (and of course you love him). I would ask him though...is there something that has changed? Is there a reason why he's been acting differently? And more importantly when you son is grown up would you want him treating his child that way? All valid issue's & points. I mean wouldn't he hate to see your son treating a child that way? I would just be upfront that some things need to change because you can't stand by & watch your son be hurt & he shouldn't be willing to either. If you wanna talk more message me or at least let me know how it goes. goodluck =)
    jfblaine

    Answer by jfblaine at 7:48 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • The truth is that they both need counseling to deal with this. It is an actual case referrence in a book I've read on learning disabilities! The answer is not leaving either one of them and working toward a goal and a solution. I will find the book and post its title when I get a chance. The point is that they should be talking about it when you are all calm and relaxed. The book is Learning Disablitlites: A to Z. A Parent's Complete Guide to Learning Disabilities from Preschool to Adulthood. By Corinne Smith, Ph.D and Lisa Strick. Its a wonderful referrence to begin with!
    Lesli

    Answer by Lesli at 8:48 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I agree with the counseling but it needs to be family counseling so your children are included. Also, try the book "1 2 3 It's Magic". It is an awesome book. You also need to talk to your SO and tell him what you are doing and why. Most men cannot read minds. Does your SO treat your child together the same way? How does your child feel when SO yells or reprimands?
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:50 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • Explain to your man how ADHD affects your son and that he is probaly not doing these things on purpose, and he needs to have more patience. I would also tell him to please not express his anger to your son but come to you first and let you take care of it. If he keeps doing this your son will grow to resent him which could lead to a worse relationship and he might even resent you because he might think you didnt stand up for him. As for the ANON who said let his father take him that is just stupid. You dont give your kid up for any man!!
    heavenlypeace

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 10:11 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

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