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husband/bf help

Ok. My bf/husband works night shift from 6pm to 6am. I am with the kids constantly.. Plus there is no one here besides ourselves.. thats all we have. I am a stay at home mother, so he figures i should cook, clean, take care of our 2 and 3 yr old by myself and when he is here he should only have to sleep and eat. Even on the weekends he makes a fuss when he has to help out. I think I am going above and beyond what I need to do, but I have asked his dad about him and he feels the same way, that i should be doing all this for him. Getting his clothes ready and a towel and having all of his things together for work. To be honest, I feel more like a single mother of 3. Its been incredibly hard on me and I am looking for some advice. And trust me I have tried to talk to him about it and he just throws a fit.. I am at my witts end and I dont know what to do

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Asked by d3vilbunny at 5:33 PM on Jul. 19, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (14)
  • Give him a taste of his own medicine. JUST take care of you and the kids. Leave all his stuff alone. When he says something, tell him you are the helper not the maid and if he wants your help, it is a 2 way street.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:37 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • its even gotten to the point where i am currently sick and i was trying to get done as much as i could but he just throws his dirty clothes anywhere.. even though i have 2 laundry bins where he can put dirty clothes, he claims he is too tired to do anything. So I forgot his shirt with the rest of the clothing and i told him and he started freaking out, locking himself in the room and grumbling and growling. I do not want my children to end up treating their wives like this. I think thats why they tend to not listen to me very well because my bf doesnt give me any kind of respect they see that and then they figure if daddy can do it i can too.. it hurts

    Answer by d3vilbunny at 5:43 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • That's a good answer anon, although I wouldn't say I'm the helper, i'd say "I'm THEIR mother not yours, you have two working arms and legs so get off your lazy ass and do it yourself, when you learn to appreciate what I do for you, then I'll be more than happy to do you some favors."

    That should make him think a few days. LOL Let him stew on that for a while.


    Answer by CinderAmethyst at 5:43 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • i just read your post(which posted while i was replying) and I am going to let you know that I live with someone similar to your man, but he does on occasion help out around here, but if i get sick forget it, there is no compassion there at all. he'll help when he "feels like it" and then I usually hear about it, i could have five days this house is together and one or two days I get sick, or was out with the kids or doing things with them and he makes a big issue about it. Pisses me off.

    As far as your kids go, you probably notice that they come to you for everything. When they fight, they call for you, when they want a snack they go to you, that's because they feel secure with YOU not him because of his lack of effort which i'm sure spills over not only in housework, but time with the kids as well. They trust you, so I'm sure what you teach them will be ingrained in their heads vs what they see their daddy do(or not do)

    Answer by CinderAmethyst at 5:48 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • let's not go there to the single mom bs when you have a man taking care of you and able to help out if necessary. Get a grip. What did you think it was going to be like when you agreed to be a sahm? Of course men expect you to cook and clean and take care of the kids. His job is to provide and your's is to do what women have done close to forever. If you can't cut the mustard then leave. BE a single mom before you run your mouth saying you feel like one. you have no clue what single moms go through. If your kids are sick you just take them to the dr. When a single mom's kid is sick she has to lose time at work and risk losing her job to take care of the child. If your house burned down dad could help get your kids. If a single mom's house burned down she might have to choose which kid to save. DO NOT claim something you are not. ...and stop putting out his clothes. You CHOOSE to do that. you are not his mom and he's not a kid

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:12 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • wow, see im lucky.. i have the dad who helps and works.. and a boyfriend that helps me too since lilys dad and i arent together.. give him a reality check by not doing what he expects

    Answer by sunshinebaby209 at 6:23 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • I just posted a problem almost exactly as yours, if you figure anything out let me know, i have went as far as packing his stuff and telling him to get out (there was other things involved also) and he started helping for maybe a week then it was back to the usual...if you need someone too vent to I am here, you can find me on yahoo messanger also at: redneck_momma1985 at yahoo dot com best of luck

    Answer by rebel_momma at 7:08 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • Some men do feel that caring for the home and children is the wife's job and theirs is bringing in the money. Often the man will also take care of the car, which takes time and effort, and do other things around the house such as plumbing and heavy work. If he works a 12 hour job, you didn't say how many days but we assume 5 days a week, that is a hefty load and would no doubt require that you help him out so that he can continue to put the hours in. Maybe you should suggest that he look for another job that doesn't require 60 hours a week labor. Meanwhile, your job is 24/7, so you deserve time just as he does. So how about if you get a half day off on the weekend, plus say an hour off every day, whenever you can work it out with him. It isn't fair that you are not getting any time off. See if he'll agree to watch the kids those times. Or hire a sitter.

    Answer by Bmat at 7:08 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • Actually to answer anon. answer posted at 6:12 pm.. I HAVE been a single mom for 4 months and I was actually relieved, I didnt have 3 kids I had 2! And no, i do not ask to put out his clothes he tells or asks me to and if i dont he throws a fit (which i have to clean up later if he makes a mess). I moved back to my home after he pushed me over the edge and I was making it by myself for 4 months, but he called me and apologized, wanting to see his kids, he missed them so, and he promised things would be a lot better than they were. Which to be honest it did get slightly better, but what I am most upset about is he lack of respect. He doesnt take me out, doesnt get me flowers and I ALWAYS have to say i love you first. I wouldnt mind doing all this stuff if he started making me feel like his gf/wife rather than his mother.

    Answer by d3vilbunny at 7:16 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

  • he works 7 days a week for right now, and we really need the money so I dont really nag to him unless i am really really worn out and exhausted. I just want him to understand that I am not a robot and I have feelings too. A hug or kiss would mean so much to be but he cannot even do that because when he is here he is sleeping or taking a shower for work, then he eats and leaves. All I really want is to be treated as a human being. I dont really mind the work if I am doing it for a good reason, my kids are a big part, i dont want them growing up in a messy atmosphere, but when i am not getting the emotional support and respect i feel i deserve then i feel like im doing the things i do for him for nothing

    Answer by d3vilbunny at 7:32 PM on Jul. 19, 2009

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