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if your husband cheated before marriage and he hid it...???

FOund out my husband slept with a co-worker about 5 times before we were married. we were living together and engaged. He has always been the jealous type so when I found out it really shocked me. I dont know if i can get over it. I feel so betrayed and to top it off i found evidence that he had called her avery once in a while after marriage, he says cause he "wanted to vent at her and was sorry". she says he never tried to get with her again after it broke off, Would you consider this a reason to leave? I've been married before to a liar, cheat and dont want to be wioth another one. yes he has apologized and hes home with me and kids all the time so i dont suspect anything now. just tired of feeling angry and unsure if i should stay.

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worried546

Asked by worried546 at 7:08 PM on Jul. 20, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (9)
  • My ex cheated on me before we got married. I forgave him (I didn't find out until after we were married), and then he cheated on me again. So, my rule now is cheat on me once, married or not, and you're gone. How long have you been married? If it's been a long time, and you haven't had any other reasons to doubt him, and you really think he'll never do it again, then I'd try to forgive him, and consider some counseling if you think it's necessary. If you really don't think you can get past it, maybe a trial separation would work: you'd have some time away from him to see how you feel about him and if you miss him and find yourself more willing to forgive him at that point.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 7:11 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • I know how you feel to some extent. Before I married my husband he cheated on me with 3 other girls while I was pregnant with his child. It was different circumstances though, he was deployed and it was more racey emails and phone calls then physical contact, but I do believe he may have hooked up with one of them while on leave. Either way, being lied to and betrayed hurts. Needless to say I took a chance and now we're married and are having another child. He has proven to me in so many ways that he will be faithful and I know in my mind he will. There are times though when I sit around and think about what he did, and I don't think you or I will ever truly forget about their infidelities. I would say, if he's willing, go to marriage counseling before divorce. See if he truly wants to work on it or not. If he's not putting any effort into making it up to you and fixing it, then it's time to move on. GL!
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 7:14 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • he cheated before you got married not after. He has been a good boy since he said his vows to forsake all others. many men want to test things and make sure they are doing the right thing before the wedding. He tested. He decided you were the one right for him. Praise him don't castrate him.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:17 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • Praising him may be a bit much... I'd say that yes, it is grounds for leaving, but only if that is really truly what you want. Its a long road to recovery after an infidelity, and counseling is a must. For a small percentage that do stay together, it can bring them even closer in the end...but only if you BOTH want it.
    gramsmom

    Answer by gramsmom at 7:38 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • It happened before marriage but he never told you maybe because he didnt want to hurt you. He probaly thought if you didnt know it wouldnt hurt but hes not thinking like a woman because we think of everything and we dont forget either!! I know you are hurt, one for the fact that he cheated and two the fact that he kept it from you but I dont think youn should up and leave for something that happened before the marriage. If hes not showing signs that he is cheating now try talking it out. He knows that he hurt you and he got caught so he will probaly walk the straight and narrow for a while.
    heavenlypeace

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 8:05 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • The same thing happened to me as well. I forgave him and we've been married for 12 years. It 's a choice you have to make every day--to forgive or not. However, the forgetting part just never seems to come. At the unlikeliest moment , something will spark a memory about the whole time period, and I'll hurt all over again....PM me if you need to talk. God Bless.
    lighthousemom3

    Answer by lighthousemom3 at 8:43 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • I would leave...I just can't live the rest of my life thinking about and spending my energy worrying about it. It's a good thing my hubby has never cheated!
    lowencope

    Answer by lowencope at 11:40 PM on Jul. 20, 2009

  • MY husband did something similar, he cheated on me prior to our marriage. i didn't find out until after we were married and had one child and one on the way. I forgave him and I got passed it, after all we weren't married. But then later, about 2 years after he told me about that he had a "relationship" with a co-worker for over 6 months. Long story short, we are still together, I hate what a bitter, cynical person I have become. I look at him and all I see is a man who broke my heart, faith and trust. Now I no longer love him and he tries everyday to mend us. I guess it's all in what you are able to handle, it doesn't get easier, no matter what anyone says, you will always have that resentment, that doubt. I would leave, but I don't want to hurt everyone's feelings, the kids, his, my parents....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:47 PM on Jul. 21, 2009

  • I know it's been 4 years and I hate to bring up any pain but I too am going through this and was wondering what did you ended up doing? My husband cheated on me 5 years ago and two years later we got married. Before we got married I asked him to come clean with everything so we can begin a clean slate and after we got married a few days later he came clean with me so not only did I feel (still do) betrayed I was lied to and tricked into marriage thinking we were starting a fresh start....
    Sunnygirl305

    Answer by Sunnygirl305 at 7:43 PM on Nov. 20, 2013

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