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Step son not here and causing problems.

This is a long story. But my husband and I have been married for over 10 years. My step-son has always been an issue. Just over general stuff like I think he should clean (his room), and cut the grass and have some minor chores and not be given everything he wants just because. My husband on the other hand said he is only going to be here for a little while so not much I can do. Anywho here is the issue.

He is over 18 now and while he was here recently he wanted to stay with us. We have never had a close relationship and I don't have enough characters to get it all out. But things didn't work out and we sent him back to his Mom. He said it was to stressful to live with us and he could do better back home. No here, I, was taking him to/from his GED classes, to/from work. We had a family meeting and he flat out said I don't like you and I never have. NO REASON, he just doesn't like me. He hasn't talked to us in months until..

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:19 PM on Jul. 21, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (7)
  • (sorry had to continue here) this month. It's been 6 months since we heard from him. Even though he knows my husband called him. NOW he needs money. He only had a part-time job and his mom co-signed for a car. He now has tickets because he can't afford the insurance and for speeding. ALSO he can't afford the car!!! They knew all this before she even co-sign I mean the car is over $12,000 and he only works PART-TIME. The insurance alone for a teenager could eat up that little check. So he has been calling/texting my husband starting before his birthday(he knows what he is doing) so my hubby sent him a little money. He now continues to make small talk and says he needs money to pay his tickets. NOW the kicker is my hubby and I ALREADY had this discussion and said we are staying out of it because they got into the car mess so they will figure it out. He wakes me up to say we need to send the money???!!! HUH we just discussed this
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:23 PM on Jul. 21, 2009

  • (dang this is long lol) So I'm P!SSED my arm was forced really to pay for an expense that we can't afford and that we agreed we would not pay. I sent the money because if I don't he will sneak and do it and that will p!ss me off even more and cost more money to wire and all that. So my question is where should we go from here? I'm really fed up with this issue it the same on thing in a different scenario. Mind you this kids is very unappreciative. He feels he is entitled to everything and can treat people like crap if they don't give it to him. MY husband knows this...but yet keeps giving in money/material stuff. I told him he is to old now for this and he needs to learn how to show people some respect without money attached to it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:27 PM on Jul. 21, 2009

  • I went threw this same type of thing with my SS. I finally told my husband that he can do whatever he wants to do with his son and his money, I no longer want to be involved. Its to stressful and its starting to effect our marriage. I love you darlin, but your son is your problem. But........the minute it start effecting me financially or our daughter things will become a huge problem. He tried for months to "talk" with me about his son and I told him "nope, I dont want to hear it". Its been eight years sense we had that conversation. MY SS and I get along now as he is married with two little ones. He has even apologized for his bad behavior. I hope it works out for you.........
    mistynights234

    Answer by mistynights234 at 6:40 PM on Jul. 21, 2009

  • I would fight about that. My husband would not be giving my step-kids money like that if we needed it. Especially if the kids were grown. That is one problem i never had with my husband. My step-kids tried calling and asking for money, but my husband being tight with money anyways, he always told them he didn't have money to give to them, since they didn't like me and didn't come around to see him. They learned how he was so they quit asking for money.
    toyota

    Answer by toyota at 7:19 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • OP here: Thanks ladies. Misty, in a way I agree with you. I seriously thought to do just what you did. But the problem is my husband doesn't handle the money and he doesn't want to. He KNOWS we are not living like we were before and that we don't have money to throw away. And I think paying for stuff like tickets is just that, throwing away money. AND if I tell him do what you want he will probably go back on his word about the care too. HE is 3 MONTHS behind on the payments, mind you he only had the care for 4 MONTHS!!!
    Toyota: I haven't really talked to him since this happened. I just feel like I'm banging my head on a wall because we have had this fight OVER AND OVER again. Not just his son, but his family also! ALL GROWN PEOPLE. I'm just stumped on what to do here. I'm beyond mad!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:46 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • All kids screw up. I allowed my kids one major screw up each and I'd help but after that they were on their own. I told them to learn from their mistake and don't repeat it. I think that is sage advice. The deal about the car is mom's problem. She knew it was when she co signed that he couldn't pay for it and insurance for that age is high. I'd tell him to sell the car and pay it off then save up and find a used car for cash. As for the tickets... tell him to stop getting them or they will take his license. He has to be responsible for something. My dd's bf owns a tow truck business and they have abandoned cars all the time that after 30 days not claimed they sell for cheap (I mean for only hundreds of dollars and they are often really good cars). Have dad check around for such bargains or go to the car auction and have him check out prices and save up. Tell him to ride a bus. He can't get a ticke that way!
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:15 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • OP here: Thanks admckenzie. That was my thinking on the page we were on. That he would have to learn his lesson on this one. My husband did tell him when he was here that he needed to save up some money for his car. That is why he had the job, we never asked him for a dime towards bills or anything. Just save up for his car. He never saved, was always spending his money on clothes and shoes and even overdrafted his account doing so. We knew he wasn't responsible enough and that is why he wanted him to save and just pay cash for used car. BUT a $2000 or so car wasn't good enough which is why he got the $14,000 car that is about to be repoed! BUT we did have a knock down drag out arguement and he are deadlocked on this issue I think. One of the worst we've had. But neither one feels we are wrong. Sad that throught our years of marriage our major fights have been about the step-son! Think a family counselor may be in order.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:39 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

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