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Husband issues

I should not complain since I have the one guy that just does everything I ask of him.I'm not one of those woman that care if you forget an anniversary or a birthday.we don't swap gifts at all for that matter and I'm totally ok with it. (We have a 4 month old right now, just to give you a sense of my emotional stability) It's our 10 yr wedding anniversary this year and I've been throwing out ideas to plan to celebrate and such. I just feel so fed up lately about his actions or should I say inactions. He has been acting more like an employee for me than my husband..and like an employee, I have to tell him to do something 5 times before it gets done. And for the past 10 years, it's been telling him to do the same stuff. He doesn't do anything to tell me that he's thinking of me. Whereas, I'm always thinking of him and my actions revolve around him. Does anyone here feel the same way? Or am I just being a total bitch?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:47 AM on Jul. 22, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • I feel the SAME way! We have a 2 year old and a 7 month old and another on the way so I'm with you on your level of emotional stability lol. I don't really ever ask much of him, but when I do, he moans and groans about it, and it's usually as simple as, "Hey, hun, instead of throwing your dirty uniform on the floor after work could you possibly make it to the laundry basket 2 feet away?" And he has always been a selfish man, so, I can't really complain there. He is learning slowly but surely that he is not the child anymore (at 24) and needs to put his kids and sometimes wife first! Men, they are not very bright lol. Have you told him how you feel? Maybe he needs to know that you need that feeling of him showing he does think of you-whether it be a morning text or whatever. GL
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 7:55 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • lets sum this up: you admit to telling him how and what to do for the last 10 years. and 'he does everything' you ask him to do. so now you're upset because you want him to out of the blue, do something on his own? (i don't think this is all about the anniversary-probably more deep-seated issue of who does what in the marriage/relationship.)seriously, he doesn't know how to. he's grown accustomed to you being in charge-the employer...why would he want to step up and take command now? i think your hormones may be playing a bit with you, you're tired with the baby/etc....but really, you created this game yourself. idk how you get out-it will take you giving up alot of control, being totally patient, and being able to say 'let come what may'. he's not going to be the guy you want immediately..it will take time. you've been the man in the relationship, it seems.
    thehairnazi

    Answer by thehairnazi at 8:24 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • I feel a little that way, too. I'm married to a really kind man who just doesn't seem to think up things on his own, but he'll try if I tell him. Actually, he kind of resents being told, because he'd rather be spontaneous, but he just isn't. It hurt alot earlier (we've been married 3 years tomorrow), but I just had to get to a point where I realized it wasn't because there was something unlovable about me, and that helped a LOT. It helped me keep doing thoughtful things for him without feeling like it was unfair, and not to be afraid gently point out his insensitivities without getting dramatic or emotional. That's helped us avoid a lot of arguments and him feeling like a failure. Helped me stop trying to be what he wanted in order to get what I wanted. It still hurts sometimes, but I feel more satisfied and still hopeful. Good luck, I know it's painful! Just know it doesn't mean you're unlovable! Be yourself, all the way!
    Adelicious

    Answer by Adelicious at 8:26 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • In response to PP: I know some women are too bossy, and I don't know what the style is for the OP. But we women also get criticized for wanting/expecting something from our men without communicating it to them. If we communicate our wants or needs, then we risk being seen as overbearing. It's a hard line to walk!
    Adelicious

    Answer by Adelicious at 8:28 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • If it has been your practice for 10 years to not exchange gifts, do you think maybe he is not expecting the rules to change now? Also, the reason you have to tell him 5 times to do something could be because you are "telling" and not "asking." Men thrive on respect and appreciation. If your habit is to treat him more like your child than the man of your dreams, you will reap childlike behavior from him. A wife has more power at her disposal than most can even imagine. The problem is that most women don't know how to use the power of respect and appreciation and affirmation. You could probably see radical changes in your marriage in a very short period of time were you to change the way you interact with your husband.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:06 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • i read in a man's magazine once that the number one thing married men hate is a nagging wife. now i am not saying that you are nagging, just saying what the report said. i never bug my ol man about doing anything for me. i ask him one time, and if he wants to do it he does it right away. if he doesn't want to he wont. people do what works for them, so if you continually ask and he's not doing it, stop asking. and i might also add that you may be feeding a need that you have to continually tell someone what to do. :) get your yellow pages out and call someone to do that task for you and let him pay for it.
    that works for me!
    men are like puppies, really, they like to be praised for the little things they do. and when a man feels like he is doing a needed work they feel needed and providing. it's a man thing.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 9:12 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • NannyB, great answer, I agree completely!
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 9:14 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • sounds like he's settled into the marriage and has accepted things as they are yet tuned you as a person out. I read a really good book recently called For Better or For Best by Gary Smalley that might help. It's a fixable thing.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:24 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • I understand where you are coming from. My bf and I just moved into together and he does a lot for me but when he is ready to do it. I never have to ask him to do the laundry he will do it if I'm working. Doing the dishes he does them or helps me dry them. But when it comes to his friends it seems that I get ditched and he goes out with them and then comes home smelling like beer. I understood that hockey season just finished and all but now its fishing. I have always said go and do what you want, but after a few days of not really seeing him I start to get a little lonely and upset with him. Just makes me feel that he only sleeps here. I had to finally put my foot down and tell him that it would be nice for him to spend a little more time with me.
    Guys are pretty dense sometimes and tend to forget that they have responsibilities at home. We have no children of our own yet so I'm not sure how he will react t that.
    newlifewith3

    Answer by newlifewith3 at 9:24 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • Based on all these replies, I ask myself, why is it that the man is helping "us women" out ? The household belongs to him as much as it does to me and him doing stuff around the house does not warrant a thank you or a praise... we both work outside the home and he is actually off for the summer. I do hate women that NAG all the time and I feel like that's all I do..making me resent myself in fact! I am just in this vicious circle that I'm trying to break. And I did hire a cleaning lady to come in twice a week to clean, and guess what, I'm living in a bigger mess than before since it's felt that the cleaning lady will get to it in 2 WEEKS!! LOL, this is getting me more fustrated! I thought the venting process is suppose to help.............
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:36 AM on Jul. 22, 2009

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