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For those of you that have been adopted do you have anger toward your birth parents.

My b-mom after 25 years now wants to be a mother to me and a grandma to my kids. But I'm just so angry I'm hurt that she could have 5 kids yes 5 KIDS and only gave me away. Before She contact me I did not even search for her. I always thought of her as a young mother who could not afford me, But in truth she was a married 22 year old who cheated on her husband and got pregant by the other guy. And he said you keep her and we are threw. Now she is divorce and wants a relation ship but I just dont know what to do. Do I owe it to my kids? What would you do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:46 PM on Jul. 22, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (21)
  • No one can answer that but you.

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 2:47 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • Life is short. You decide. My mom left me as a baby (she never raised my other siblings either but they were raised by other family). She comes back around trying to act like she's a parent & a grandparent (to my kids). It pissed me off at first. But finally I figured I could hold on to the pain & the hate & be mad because she wasnt there earlier in my life or decide to take what I was being offered by her NOW (even though it wasnt what I wanted or expected exactly) and cherish that instead. I was in my mid 30's before I made this choice. 5 years later, my mom died of a sudden illness. I wasted about 10 yrs where I could have been getting to know my mom as a person & understanding her instead of being hurt. At least I finally opened my heart & got those precious 5 yrs. You have a right to your pain but dont forget there's another person in the equation who is hurting too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:00 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • omg thats horrible :( im so sorry to hear that. i would feel the same way if i was you.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 3:19 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • Oh dear! I'm an adult adoptee who is searching and I've been trying really hard to go through all the potential scenarios that I may find. But, one can never anticipate what feelings will be unearthed in reunion. When that reunion isn't initiated or welcomed by both parties it can lead to even further feelings of discomfort.

    I agree with the first response you received. As an adoptee, it really is up to you to lead the pace and parameters of reunion (it's kind of the cardinal rule). You don't owe anybody anything - this has to be something that you desire.

    I guess I would say that you don't have to have all the answers right now. I wouldn't fling open the doors completely without thinking through the parameters you wish and I also wouldn't close the door completely so that if feelings change down the road you can still explore the relationship.


    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 3:19 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • I also wish that people didn't tell (or lead an adoptee to believe) that their relinquisment story was something that they truly don't know is true. Believing one thing and finding another is extremely painful.

    OP, I'm so sorry and you have every right to feel anger about this being the primary reason for the adoption.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 3:21 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • Do you really want that kind of a person involved in your child's life?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:10 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • "that person" gave birth to her. and you know, everyone is entitled to make a mistake in life. some just make bigger mistakes then others. unless you are god, who are you to judge?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:27 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • I am sorry for the hurt that adoption has placed upon your shoulders. No one can tell you what you should or should not are the only one whom owns that right. I agrre with Port, she is wise to her own journey and experiences, different aspects of this journeythat she lives each day. I can only say to you, that if you hold on to the anger, it will only hurt you. "Holding a grudge, is liking takiong poison and hoping the other person dies!" No wiser of words were ever more true. Blessings and Serenity is what I send to you:) C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 5:19 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • It's really up to you. Just remember this: You don't owe her ANYTHING.

    You do not "owe" it to your kids to have her in their lives, nor do you "owe" it to her.

    If you don't want her in your life (and I wouldn't blame you, to be honest), politely tell her that you appreciate her contacting you, but you are not interested in developing a relationship with her. It sounds cold but it gets the message across. You already have a family.

    Answer by Mousuke at 9:03 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

  • That's a tough one. I say, if you can, try to ease past the hurt and anger as you feel able. Take is at your own pace and do not be rushed! Get to know her a little more and go from there. Maybe a relationship will form, maybe not.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:08 PM on Jul. 22, 2009

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