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my husband has lied to me for the past two years.

...and about pretty BIG things. i found out from someone else and confronted him and he finally confessed. he didn't cheat or anything. but they are things that kind of amount to his character. He just made up these colorful elaborate stories and probably would have had me continue to believe these lies for another 10 years! And now I fear that I'm not going to be able to trust him anymore. I love him so much... but part of me questions... who he really is now?! I just feel so lost. I don't know how our relationship can recover from this. I'm also 8 months pregnant with our first child. Please, no bashing here... I just need some advice. :-(

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:35 AM on Jul. 23, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Well, I think in order to give advice, we need a little more insight into what the lies were about?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:38 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • Lies, it does not matter what kind of lies they are. Are hard to deal with in a marriage. Tell him he need to be a open book on every thing. Everything he does, you can check to see if it is true or not.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:41 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I agree with PP.. Without knowing what the lies were about.. it is hard to give advice.
    ((HUGS)) focus on keeping that baby healthly, and deal with the drama later.
    say_tay

    Answer by say_tay at 8:41 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • wow hun, first I'm sorry cause I know i would be the same way lost and confused. You have to decide is this really worth throwing away what we have or is it possible we can get past this. He has to realize that its gonna be hard for you to trust him and he has to understand that. You have to really try to put it in the past and move on. Its not gonna be easy at all for either one of you, but if you want this to work its gonna be work. I've known people who had problems and thought they could get past it but they just wouldn't put it in the past. Its not the past what matters its the here and now. I hope that helped some, you probably already knew most of that, but I'm incouraging you that you'll figure it out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I find it very helpful to look past the behavior and try to understand the "why" of it. I don't mean that you should excuse the lying, just that you ask yourself why he would feel the need to lie to you rather than tell you the truth. Could it be that he feels inferior to you in some way and this was his way of sort of pulling himself up to your level in his eyes? Could it be that when he tells you the truth, you go off on him and make him feel that he can't tell you the truth? We all are the products of the way we were raised, and it could be that your husband's unmet needs from those days are responsible for his lack of truthfulness. It never hurts to ask unaccusingly, "Why did you feel the need to lie to me?" You may be very surprised at the answer. At any rate, we wives are to help our husbands overcome their weaknesses to the best of our abilities to do so. Trust will be a problem, and he should understand that.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:49 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • *** Well, to explain the lies... would take all day. And they're also extremely personal things. So the fact that my husband lied about it, makes me feel like he doesn't confide in me. I DO NOT want to leave him.... I'm just having a really hard time dealing with this right now. Thanks for the advice ladies. :-/
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:53 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • *** And to NannyB- the reason was very reasonable, that they are about things he's ashamed of. And I've never judged him for anything... but they're very difficult situations that he just made up colorful stories about so he'd never have to tell me the truth. When he confessed the other night, I told him that I DO NOT think any less of him. That those things would have never mattered to me... but what does kind of hurt me is that he lied.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:57 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • My husband lied to me and said that he would get me a car due to my hardship in pregnancy. He piled up tons and tons of lies thereafter, and for yrs. it's just been one continuous lie after the other, whether or not you are their wife, and there100% of the time for him, (mine too), they aren't going to change unless they want to. It's the feeling of losing control of their bad decisions. At one point I believe that the decision for him to marry me was my past controlling HIM. He didn't want to use his past to come clean and just face his faults, It's common everyday stuff that most of us should support for the other spouse. The most needful parts of the relationship!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:19 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • When my hubby and I first started dating he told me he had graduated college and had a degree in criminal justice. One night, after we were together for 3 years and engaged, I came home to find a note on the table. He had confessed to me that he had not graduated college and he in fact dropped out after only a few weeks. It was close to our wedding date and he wanted to "clear the air" before I married him. He thought that I would break off the engagement and I would be ashamed of him. I told him that I don't care at all what his level of education is, but I want him to be able to trust me and tell me everything.

    Men can be suck jerks. LOL!! I am sorry and I hope you are able to work things out!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:43 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • Makes me wonder if you are married to my ex. He did the same thing to me. He made up colorful elaborate stories about who he was and the things he had done. All of which I had no reason not to believe, but after a while I started to suspect. It finally came out when we were making wedding plans. I wanted to go to Australia for our honeymoon. He got very nervous and said he didn't want to go that far. When I pushed the issue, he said he wanted to go on a boat. I laughed and told him that was out of the question since we were talking about going to the other side of the planet.
    He then told me that he wouldn't fly. Considering he had told me that he had gone to England a few times, this didn't match. He had forgotten that he had told me such things.
    that was just the start. It turned out that nearly all the stories he told me on who he was and what he had done in his life were false. (Continued)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

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