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What kind of advice should I give a soon to be stepmom of a 13yo girl.... besides good luck lol!

My best friend (S) is engaged to a wonderful man, who just happens to be twice her age with a 13 year old daughter. They have been together for two years and waited about eight months to introduce the daughter to (S) because the daughter didnt feel comfortable meeting her until then.
Well they usually get along just fine but as they get closer to the wedding date the daughter keeps getting more and more distant. She gets mad at her dad if (S) picks her up from school or takes her to appts. She says its because she doesnt want to be friends with her in case her dad divorces (S) like he did her mom, which is totally understandable.
Right now they have 50/50 custody of the girl, but she says she will only live with her mom if he marries my friend (for the same reason)

What kind of advice should I give my friend, what should she do? Becoming a step mom of a 13yo is hard (im sure) but can it be easier?

Answer Question
 
MarchMarie

Asked by MarchMarie at 9:18 AM on Jul. 23, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 6 (112 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Do not push a relationship on her. Let her father be the disciplinarian in the house.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 9:32 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • It sounds like she is afraid of losing her friend. I would just show that you are there for her. Include her in wedding plans, spend time with just her doing girl things. Talk to her and let her know that you are going to do your best to not divorce her dad and you will be there for her still. She just needs to see that you aren't going anywhere. Poor kid, doesn't want someone she likes to go away.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:44 AM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • Do not force a relationship on the child. Allow her her time to be with her father. Don't set rules and guidelines for the child to follow. Let the parents discipline the child. SHow the child respect and hopefully she'll show the same in return....

    Also, allow your friend to vent to you as much as possible without you being judgmental of the situation...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 2:36 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I am a step mom and it is the hardest job in the world. The advise I would give you works in our home. The step parent does no discipline or instruction. That is the bio parents job. In the event the bio parent is not around the bio gives instruction before they leave. If it does not get done or is done wrong the step parent does nothing and reports when the bio gets home and they handle it. This works great.
    dillonsma

    Answer by dillonsma at 2:37 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • She just has to respect her. She cannot force a relationship w/ her, it has to happen on its own. Maybe all three can go on vacation together & bond some. They need to spend time together, but she cannot smother the 13 year old in hopes that she will except her, that will be annoying for the teen. I would just act as if she was my 13 year old lil sister. I would not try to overly "mother" her, because the teen could see this as strange & uncomfortable. All i would say, is to not force anything. The bond should happen naturally, & over time.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 4:21 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • Oh man your friend is in for one hell of a ride!!!! I wish her all the strengh in the world as she is going to need it!! I see this happen all the time with my job. It should get better after the wedding but until then look out!! I think this little girl will throw out all the punches!!
    Best of luck to all.
    newlifewith3

    Answer by newlifewith3 at 8:39 AM on Jul. 24, 2009

  • What is a stepmother? Seriously what is she? She's a woman who is marrying a man with a child. Just because she is marrying this man doesn't mean she has any right or privilege to be a 'mom' to this child. The child has not chosen her, the father has. Why doesn't she plan on being a great wife & friend to the soon to be husband and keep a respectful distance from this child who is now being forced into a situation not of her choosing. If the child chooses to have a relationship with the woman her father is choosing to marry so be it. If the child choses not to, well sorry babe, so be it.
    Waxing_Lyrical

    Answer by Waxing_Lyrical at 5:35 AM on Jul. 28, 2009

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