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would you tell your S/O

If you contacted an ex to tell them you were sorry for how you treated them. You have felt bad about it for years & just wanted to clear the air. You did not want to have something happen to you & feel like you left things unsaid with that person.
Would it matter if the people were ex husbands or fiances (meaning serious relationships.
You know your S/O would be upset if they knew, but it has nothing to do with them. You wanted to say you were sorry. You did not contact them saying oh I love you, miss you, want you back. Just I am sorry for everything. You do not want any sort of real conact with these people or a relationship, just to know you did the right thing (at least in your own mind).
So do you tell your S/O & risk the issues that may arise. Or do you keep quite & just feel better about the outcome to yourself?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:17 PM on Jul. 23, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • For me personally I would not beable to keep anything from my SO...

    Does you SO already know how you feel about your X...if he does then why would it be
    a problem....
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 1:22 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I would never contact an ex. I don't have an exhusband but I do have exlovers. Stay out of others business. Since you don't have an active relationship with ex yours and his business and lives are separate. I'd make sure no further contact to him from you or him to you happens. Just don't answer anything. If you'r e found out by so just say you apologized if you did to ex and that was it. "See honey I never answered his calls or emails" sigh.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:24 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I wouldn't do it, so there would be nothing to tell my dh. I wouldn't want him contacting any ex girlfriends, no matter how long ago or how serious - not because I think there's anything there, but just out of respect for me. And if I don't want him to do it, then it would be kinda hypocritical of me to think it's okay for me.
    IF I did it anyway, I would definitely tell him - what if he saw the call on your cell phone, or it ever came up in conversation, etc. No matter how you feel about how you acted during the relationship, it's over and I'm sure the guy has moved on. You bringing it up now isn't going to help anyone - just let it go.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 1:25 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • It would cause a problem because he does not think I should ever talk to any of them for any reason. Ex's are not something we ever talk about really. Yes he knows I was married before, yes he knows it ended very badly. No I don't tell him I feel terrible for how things went because he would not want to know
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • keep it quiet unless you think hes gonna find out some other way, then tell him so you dont look like your hiding it from him.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 1:25 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I did exactly what you want to do....and yes I did feel better...

    I held onto those feelings that I had and let him know that I was sorry...

    at the time I did that, I did not have a SO....

    But.....if I did have a SO, he would know how I feel and out of respect of my SO if he did not
    want me to contact and EX.....I wouldn't....
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 1:27 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I never said I planned on calling anyone. It would be done threw a message on facebook. I have my own computer that he does not use nor would he be going threw my accounts. It is not something that would come up in conversation. I lost my father years ago. We had a terrible relationship as he was very abusive & his son molested me. I disowned him at 19 & he died when I was almost 22. I never got to clear the air with him which is something I needed to do. It is 10 years later & that still bothers me. How do you know how your actions affect someone else. Maybe someone still feels terrible to this day about how you treated them. Maybe you saying I am sorry would make a difference.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:28 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I would not say anything to your SO. Why say something to him if you know he is going to get upset over something he does not understand? He did not understand the dynamics of your past relationships, so he wont understand why you want to contact him. Some things are better left unsaid. Your not having an affair, your not planning on cheating on him, you are doing something to help yourself heal. You have emotional baggage left over from this past relationship, & you feel you need to let go of this emotional baggage. I say go for it. If you have incredible guilt over not telling your husband, then tell him. But it will only cause problems. Your not trying to be sneaky, you just want/need to let go of something that has been bothering you. The only way to let go of it is to confront it, & get it over with. It will not cause any harm to your relationship. If it's just one simple e-mail, i say go for it.

    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:39 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I think it is extremely mature of a person who is willing to apologize for their actions, even if it is years down the road. It seems to me like you SO is immature and does not realize that your actions must have been so dramatic to make you feel bad all this time. If he can not understand that you are in a better place because of him and just need to make peace then I would not tell him. It sounds like you are okay with where you are. Maybe in a couple of weeks you might want to mention that your actions were dragging you down and you feel like a better person you were able to apologize to him. I am glad you feel better and I hope things go well for you.

    krissyvelazquez

    Answer by krissyvelazquez at 1:44 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I am friends with all my ex's on Facebook. They are the past and I don't hide if I am in contact with them. My husband is in contact with two of his ex's like me they parted as friends. If you trust your SO and he trusts you this should not be a secret. Sounds like neither of you trust the other so you have a secret. I would tell him if he flips and gets mad he is not a very nice or trusting guy. I would not be with anyone who would tell me who I could and could not speak to.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

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