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My stepson thinks he is a surrogate child.

His mom left when he was very young, and then wasn't really a consistent presence in his life until he was nearly 4. Between those two times, I was married to his father. I have kind of always played the Mom role with him. Now, he says he has two moms. I am not the stepmom, but I am his second mom. And his bio mom is actually referred to as his "biological mother" by him. So for some reason unbeknownst to me, he was watching Baby Mama, which is about a woman that hires a surrogate, with his mom, and he asked her "So you are my surrogate mom then?" She tried to explain, but he is convinced that she had him, then gave him to me and his Dad. Which, as far as he is concerned, is exactly what happened and exactly what surrogacy means. She got frustrated with trying to explain it to him, so when she brought him home, she told my husband about it and told him to explain it. We thought he had it, but then he mentioned it to me again.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 5:19 PM on Jul. 23, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (7)
  • Actually that seems the best way for him to think about it. I would leave it at that! that's great you took on that role and love him like your own, especially since his mother wasn't there for him.

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 5:32 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • well, I think that is cool. He knows who loves him and takes care of him (you)!

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:37 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • OP

    So you really don't feel that we should try to steer away from this train of thought? We weren't really sure how to discuss this with him in a way he could understand.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:40 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I think this IS the way he understands it and all together, its not exactly incorrect. I like it. When he's way older you can really explain it but he feels he has 2 moms and you are the one who cares for him the most. I say its pretty accurate. It may just get to confusing and actually hurt him if the truth is told to him the other way.

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 5:42 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • LOL. Like others have said, he's not completely wrong. I actually think it's pretty neat that a child figured that one out on his own. Obviously he thinks of you as his parent. It sounds more like a really open adoption without the leagl adoption part. I don't see a problem with his way of thinking (except that it offends his bio mom), as long as he still understands the roles each of you have (as far as following her rules and her still being a parent, or whatever the situation may be).

    Answer by Bensmommy611 at 5:48 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • I think it's a good explanation for him for now. Just make sure he understands that his BM still loves him too and he has to follow her rules when with her.

    Actually, in your situation, he is just about correct on his own assumption. Only difference is you don't have legal adoption papers (unless you do. Didn't see that in the post.)

    I'm a SM too. SS has asked me before if I could be his mom instead of his BM. He has even now gone to the lengths of calling me mommy and his BM by her name. I keep trying to tell him this is rude and he can't do that, but he is Autistic and set in his ways.

    Answer by Kenre at 5:52 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

  • Sounds like what happened. I would not worry about explaining it to him. He knows that bio mom left and you his real mom were there for him. If his bio mom is upset she only has herself to blame and is lucky he even has anything to do with her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:55 PM on Jul. 23, 2009

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