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Is this right???

Ok My SO and I had a friend move in with her little girl because she needed a place to stay and we needed the extra money. Well it is all going ok but there is a few things I don't know how to deal with.. She invites herself to everything we do on the weekends and my SO does not treat her daughter how he treats my children { They are not his}. I feel bad when her daughter tries to kiss him goodbye and he just pats her head.. But does not wnat to be that way with her. He also wants to keep our life just us and thinks of her as a renter and nothing else. I feel the same but I am torn because she gets so upset seeing us be a family together.. How do I deal with this???

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ryagirl04

Asked by ryagirl04 at 9:43 AM on Jul. 25, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • Oh my, that seems unkind toward the child. He must not realize that the child wants to be like the other children. If you and he don't want the friend to participate in your weekend plans then tell her so in the nicest way that you can. Perhaps it is time to gently bring up about her finding another place, although you said you could use the money. Unless you aren't getting time to be out with just you and your SO, then maybe it would be OK to have her along, kind of like a sister? But if not, tell her before it goes on anymore. Perhaps you can ask her if she'd trade babysitting on the weekends, that you'd watch her child when she goes out and vice versa- that would keep her from joining in.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 9:50 AM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • Honestly, maybe this makes me a bad person but, I would feel the same way. To me it sounds like your friend wants to be a part of your family and her daughter seems confused and is trying to form an attachment with your SO because she is lacking a father figure (I'm assuming). Either way her momm should be teaching her appropriate boundaries but, it doesn't sound like Mom undestands boundaries herself. She's grown even if you all are friends she should understand you guys need "your" time. Unfortunately, she doesn't.

    BubbaLuva

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 10:18 AM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • It's tough when a child is involved but I can clearly understand why he'd not feel comfortable kissing the child on so many levels but as a child she doesn't understand so I'd likely send her Mom in to kiss her goodnight, or for him to go in with his own children (if they're in seperate rooms maybe he could take his children in first while the Mom distracts her and then she can go in and kiss the child goodnight. If he treats her the same as he does his own children then the child is going to go thru some problems when they finally move out. As far as being kind to her, definetely and it sounds like he is, but most men feel uncomfortable kissing their own children goodnight, let alone someone else's. So many people can take something that simple and turn it in to something so perverse and that scares a lot of men (and would me too).
    Weekends... I'd say "my family and I are going to X and we'll see you when we return"
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:21 AM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • It is a shame for the child but, I wouldn't treat her kids like yours if I were him either. Affection shouldn't be forced and her kid isn't his family. Either, sit her down and simply say you need "family" time and I'm not sure how to address her daughter wanting to be part of the family; it's a natural desire on her part but, not your responsibility to be that for her either if it's not coming naturally. If she'll "get it" talk as frankly but as nicely as you can. If she won't get it, it might not be the right living situation for you all. Sorry I don't have better advice but, don't feel bad you're not doing anything wrong.

    BubbaLuva

    Answer by BubbaLuva at 10:21 AM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • If you don't find a way to stop her from going with your family everywhere you're going to start if you don't already, having marital problems. The kids need to feel the family unit alone sometimes too.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:22 AM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • I don't see how someone can turn away a child's need for affection. He doesn't need to kiss her, but what's the problem with caring for people that live with you? She and her daughter are obviously in need of a support system- and if they had one, they wouldn't be turning toward you.She probably doesn't think it's a problem that she's around on the weekends.You could have far more serious problems in a "renter" and you should consider not being so clannish.
    ranedare

    Answer by ranedare at 10:55 AM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • Well the child is 2 and has no father in her life. We made this move as a short term thing and we have made a lot on consesions. She assumes she is invited and she has been listening in on our conversations about renting a house come Jan when the lease is up and she got all upset.. I just think that she needs to Make her own way and enjoy the times we are all at home together and having game night and stuff like that! We never neglect her daughter but she does not need to bust into our room and jump in bed with me, my SO and kids on Sat mornings. My SO has no hard feelings I just feel funny because her mom gets upset that we don't let her jump all over my SO. But I think it is her place to stop her daughter from encroching in on our family time. I am trying to make it through this and be civil but the listening in on calls and stuff is freaking me out!
    ryagirl04

    Answer by ryagirl04 at 11:39 AM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • We do trade babysitting.. But she goes out during the week. I want to make this work for all of us I just don't want to be in the middle... I know that sounds bad but we made it clear when she moved in that living room and kitchen is common areas and when we are doing something in there then she can join in. But she said she has places to go and friends to hang with and now she has ditched all of them and wants to be with us. I will just stick it out and come Jan it will be over with!
    ryagirl04

    Answer by ryagirl04 at 12:03 PM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • She wants to be a part of the family, but she does have a problem if she is listening in on phone calls and letting her daughter jump all over your SO. It's almost as if she wants him to be her father. You need to try to get her to start looking for a man or someone else in her life. Someone she can spend more time with. I know that sounds bad, but it seems to me that she feels that she needs to have someone else in her life in order to be happy. Maybe she does not know how to be alone, or maybe she is more tough and harsh on her DD when she is alone. She needs to be able to do things by herself or find someone she can share it with. Once she has someone else, she might be willing to let you guys go. Good luck, and please watch out for that little girl. The mother might be desperate enough to pick up the worse guy in the litter.

    krissyvelazquez

    Answer by krissyvelazquez at 12:10 PM on Jul. 25, 2009

  • Boundaries are very important in a roommate situation. And now that they are blurred it's going to be even more difficult because your friend is going to have hurt feelings. As an adult she should understand, but she is still going to feel rejected. Just try to stay calm when you tell her that you & SO want to have some alone time with your children. On Saturday mornings, lock the door to insure privacy and that her child doesn't intrude. She can be upset about it, but it's yours and your family's right to have that time alone. I remember when my DH and I were newly weds, there was a couple next door that stalked us! lol If they heard us in our apartment they'd bang on the door. If we went for a walk they'd want to come! It's miserable when you can't have quality time with your family. I was so glad when they got on-post housing! lol 

    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 2:29 PM on Jul. 25, 2009

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