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Should I just let go?

Ok..I just got out of a VERY fake on & off again"relationship"of 12yrs & I find myself actually missing my children's father!! We were together for 10 yrs but he is very,very abusive{physically,emotionally,mentally},he's currently in jail for choking me.This will be the 3rd time,he's been locked up due to fighting me.He's very overprotective & obsessive over me.He wants 2 conrtol who I'm with,how I dress, where I go even the way I talk.His family has a history of domestic violence(his mom passed away frm it),but even after all that I still kinda love him but I don't think I'm n love with him.I just feel so sorry 4 him & I feel even worse that I can't help him 2 change the history of that cycle.He's missing out on so much with our twins(&blames me).I just want a REAL family!!I find myself wondering If I should try to fix things or just let go....any advice?

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Asked by youngmom86 at 11:51 PM on Jul. 26, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (9)
  • I'm open to any honest "grown women" answers..plz keep all negative responses 2 yourself

    Answer by youngmom86 at 11:52 PM on Jul. 26, 2009

  • Sweetie, this all boils down to YOUR self esteem. There is no reason you should subject yourself to this. Or your children. What if he accidently killed your child? I know it's hard. I've been there. It was heart breaking to finally leave him, and even harder to cut off all the ties that bound us together (mutual friends and family). But that was two years ago, and I've since then met my soul mate. I didnt know what love was until now. I thought the man that hit me was the man I desereved- not so.
    You have got to leave. There is someone for you, and trust me, it is not him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:59 PM on Jul. 26, 2009

  • That is a hard situation. My personal opinion is there is no excuse for abuse on any level. I understand how you could still love him though. But unless he has turned his life around, I wouldnt even consider being with him. However old your kids are they will understand one day why you can't be with him as your husband. I wouldn't put him down but pray for him to "Change his ways". :) But again, only you know what decision is the right one for you.

    Answer by sarahgibbs at 12:01 AM on Jul. 27, 2009

  • No sweetie, its not something you can change. Its hard, but, its not your responsibilty (or even in your power, to change the choices he made. And thats what they were, choices. He isnt a part of his kids life bc he choose to be abusive. There are other paths he could have taken but it wasnt important enough to him to work to change it. If you take a person's consequences away you take away their need to be responsible and their need to change. Consequences are natural part of life. When your kids were young I am sure you set boundaries, not bc you wanted them to suffer but bc you loved them enough to do so. They couldnt understand it at the time and may have thought you were being mean or blamed you. He is like a child. His actions have given him results, one of which should be losing you. And you arent with him, bc you love him and know that sometimes love is tough. I hope that you find the answer you need.

    Answer by NightOwlMama at 12:18 AM on Jul. 27, 2009

  • I don't think there is anything I can say that these ladies haven't already said, except for this thought. Have you checked on here in the group finder for one that deals with what you've gone through?
    It might help you work through things to find other mom's that have been in the same situation.

    I was in an abusive relationship a long time ago, I was pg with his baby. He pushed me down the stairs and we thought I had lost it. A few months (and tons of midol) later, we found out that I was still pg. By this time the baby was so deformed the dr said I would never make it to term and they could lose me as well. As heartbreaking as it was, I had to abort it. They said my heart stopped on the table and I almost bled out...I was 19 yrs old!! The worst part? HE was the only one that could drive me there!! AND he had a date that night!!
    Think long and hard before you let him back in your life! Think of your kids!

    Answer by daisy521 at 1:01 AM on Jul. 27, 2009

  • I was in an abusive relationship for seven years and finally left two and a half years ago. I totally understand you feeling sorry for him...I felt the same way about my husband. The thing is, pity is not a foundation to base a relationship on. This is your time to be selfish. Put yourself and your children first. Your husband is a sick individual and you cannot cure him.
    You don't really love him - he is a habit, an addiction. He is dragging you down, but you can save yourself. Cut off all contact with him. Change your phone number, move away. Start a new life. Your children are better off without him. He will never be a good father.
    Life flows on, and you will get through this and be stronger in the end.

    Answer by popcornlover at 1:44 AM on Jul. 27, 2009

  • Abusers don't change. You can allow him to participate in the lives of your children but I don't think I'd advise going back. I was with an abuser and had hoped that once we got older he'd mellow out and maybe some day we'd get back together and be a family again but every time I think it's time to try he shows me he's still the same. Please remember that there are more men out in the world than the ones you've been with. Instead of looking back, try looking ahead and finding someone new.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:17 AM on Jul. 27, 2009

  • I lived with an abusive man for 21 years. I know exactly where you are coming from - but thank God, I now can recognize what my attraction was. It took me a long time to realize why I kept wanting him back, why I felt more secure when he was abusing. Why wanting to be with him was almost an obsession. I felt more sorry for him than I felt worried for my own safety. I felt more responsible to help him - "because I was the only one who could love him enough to make a difference". If I wasn't there: (1) he would go back to doing drugs (2) he would wind up back in jail (3) he would not have anyone to care for him (4) he would just give up and it would be all my fault.

    Do you see the twisted way of thinking? You know what's more twisted? I stayed because the abuse was all I had. It was the only thing I knew I could rely on. It was the only constant in a world of chaos.
    When you realize that - you'll know then how to stop.

    Answer by PaceMyself at 9:35 AM on Jul. 27, 2009

  • the best way to end the cycle is to teach your kids about good relationships

    Answer by ranedare at 5:23 PM on Jul. 27, 2009

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