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If adoption is always so wonderful, why does it bring so much pain to so many people?

It seems to me that many people simply ignore or dismiss the pain of others in adoption and pretend that it is uncommon. However, any birth mom or adoptee group that you find anywhere will prove how profoundly painful adoption can be. Adoption is for the children, right? Then, how can people dismiss the difficult challenges and loss issues that many adoptees experience? Or, do people really believe that most adoptees have no adoption struggles?

Adoption is based first on loss, how can people fail to understand that loss is painful? Adoption may be wonderful for aparents, but what about the rest of the parties involved? I know not everyone feels the same, but enough people find adoption to be a difficult experience that it should matter.


Asked by Southernroots at 12:48 PM on Jul. 28, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (52)
  • People only see the good in adoption just like they think every birth mother is selfless. If giving your child up for adoption is selfless than what do we call it when we choose to step up and raise our child? It logically doesn't make sense to call birth mothers selfless.


    Answer by legalmommy101 at 10:55 PM on Jul. 29, 2009

  • sometimes doing the right thing isnt what makes you feel good inside. its bittersweet

    Answer by pookipoo at 12:50 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • Well, that is a glass-half-empty approach.

    As an adoptee, I never felt loss or any difficulty. I know my brother had his complaints but interestingly enough they started cropping up when our parents had to discipline him a lot. He tracked down his birth family, but I get the sense that it ended up being anticlimactic for him. He doesn't talk about it.

    Me, I've never been interested in finding my birth parents. I know enough already from letters my dad saved that being adopted WAS the best solution for me and for my birth parents. Keeping a baby is not always the best situation.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:55 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • So far, the responses are proving my point. I guess I should have expected that. Bittersweet is a good word to describe reunion.....but not adoption. I know better than to assume that every adoption happened because it needed to....I know that isn't true.

    Glass half empty? That makes no sense to me. I am fully aware that adoption has its good and bad sides. My point is that many people see ONLY the good, and ignore or dismiss the bad. And, I agree that keeping a baby is not ALWAYS the best solution. But, adoption is not always the best solution either.


    Answer by Southernroots at 1:14 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • I'm glad my child has a had a good life but that doesnt take away the sense of loss I feel not being the one to provide it to her. I'm suppose to be happy for her but who is here for me to be sad with me? Its like being sad about your loss is "wrong" in some people's minds. Since adoption is such a happy event for one family that is all you are suppose to focus on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:29 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • You know, adoptive parents go through pain also, I have had 2 failed adoptions, and while I'm glad the mothers were able to keep their little blessings, it still hurts when they make promises, then just disappear! If you are an expectant mother considering adoption and pick a family, if you change your mind, PLEASE have the decency tobe honest and tell the family instead of disappearing!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:05 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • "...However, any birth mom or adoptee group that you find anywhere will prove how profoundly painful adoption can be"

    This has been said before and I will bring it up again: Any "support group" is going to contain the people who need support. The people who are in support groups are only a portion of the general population, they dont represent everyone.
    If you go to an overeaters anonomous meeting, you will think all people who are overweight are in pain. If you go to an AA meeting, you will believe that any person who ever drinks alcohol is an alcoholic.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:48 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • The only people on here who claim that everyone "only sees the good" are bmoms like you who want to push a negative agenda. Frankly, the negative adoption aspect is represented by you and your friends 10 to one on here. No one thinks adoption is perfect or ideal but the situation that lead up the the adoption was not either.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:51 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • Isn't pregnancy something that brings about pain, but yet many do it over & over again? What about miscarriage? Why do people try again? What about losing a child too early to accidents, SIDS, cancer? There is pain in life, there is pain in choices. Some choices that we make, and others that we have no control over.

    I have never dismissed the loss that a birth mother feels after placing a child for adoption. I feel even more of a responsibility to raise the child that I adopt, because of the events that brought him to me. It's nothing that I take lightly. For every person that has placed a child, there is someone filling the gap for that child. I do however think that people go thru a process and gain a sense of awareness as they get closer to the actual adoption. For me, many months of "going thru the motions/paperwork/to do lists" have led me to this child. It wasn't until I SAW his bmom, that I realized the LOSS part.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:20 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • Doodlebopfan: I couldnt agree more. I dont think that most adoptive parents who adopted in the last decade think that adoption is some wonderful option for the bmom. No one dreams of one day carrying a child for 9 months and enduring all that goes with it just so they can plan to give the baby to another couple to raise. Sometimes adoption is the least of 3 "evils" in an unplanned pregnancy.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:29 PM on Jul. 28, 2009