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What were you "thinking" when you decided to place your baby for adoption?

In another's question, I explained our adoption journey and our thought processes during each progressive step that has gotten us to where we are today. We are closer to adoption every day, I believe, (thru foster care) and I am grateful for where I am. It's been a long road. As I was typing (4 x 940 characters, LOL!) I became curious at to what goes thru a pregnant woman's mind, and from the first "thought" of adoption, what steps DID you take, WHO did you call first? What avenues were eliminated? What avenue did you ultimately take? Why that way? I know many of your "endings" & I am asking about your "beginning steps." Thanks!


Asked by doodlebopfan at 3:02 PM on Jul. 28, 2009 in Adoption

Level 20 (9,525 Credits)
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Answers (21)
  • I just want to say Thank You to everyone who responded, for helping others to see things thru your eyes. I wanted to pick a Best Answer, but couldn't choose one story over another. I would like each of you to know how much your stories, honesty, vulnerability, and opinions matter to me. (So I am picking my own answer to encompass all of you!) Cheezy...but thank YOU!

    Thank you PortAngeles1969, onethentwins, bellacocco, stillamom1213, drfink, and rainfalls. You are all making a difference!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:10 AM on Aug. 5, 2009


    Here's the link, and I am sorry that I took so much space in the other woman's question, which I didn't answer, because I didn't know the answer. embarrassed


    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:05 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • Honestly?

    I didn't think things through, didn't evaluate the possibilities, didn't give myself the consideration and self-worth to consider my desire or ability to parent, the list goes on and on and on.

    Knowing the great disapointment this pregnancy was to my family - and having the adoption experience from being and adoptee and the "gift to my adoptive parents" - there was not process, no reflection, no other alternatives explored.

    All of that said, I was extremely fortunate - very lucky that I have had the post-adoption experience that I have had. I often say that I am possibly one of the best case scenarios but don't want that to diminish the fact that there was NO thought process or progressive steps that I went through. To be completely fair - if anyone had attempted to step me through a process of reflection I woudn't have let them. It is this that I cannot forgive myself for and am responsible for.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 3:29 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • I ask myself this question everyday. But, that's just hindsight. The first thought I had was that I loved my baby and I was going take responsibility for it. I actually put my hand on my tummy and promised him that. Then I went to the Planned Parenthood to discuss options. They totally tried to talk me into aborting, I wept the entire way home. But, I had talked them into giving me a referral to an agency. I thought that adoption was still conducted like the old days in that they wouldn't let me see my baby and whisk it away and I'd never see it again. (It didn't occur to me at the time that they had absolutely no right to treat my any differently than any other new mom). When my SW told me about open adoption, which was really semi-open, told me that I could chose the parents and write to him so that he'd know I hadn't forgotten him and still loved him, that sounded really good to me.


    Answer by onethentwins at 4:18 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • Cont.. I flew to Hawaii to tell the father and discuss options with him, but it was at that moment that I decided that I wasn't going to let him have a say and that I was going to chose adoption. He said he was also interested in corresponding with the parents but when I came back to CA he disappeared off the planet. I feel so sad for him and for Danny because of that. They are so alike I think they could have a great relationship. It's my dearest wish that they reunite one day.

    I thought about parenting, but I thought I would be miserable being a poor single mom back in England where I really didn't want to be. (I had no idea how miserable it is to be separated from my baby because the birth mothers that had come before me weren't talking)

    Once I'd made that decision I never once thought about changing my mind.


    Answer by onethentwins at 4:24 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • PA1969-Thank you for your story. That's kind of what I meant about the process. There is the "going thru the motions" part, and then later things start to click. You start to figure out what people AREN'T saying. It's the blind leading the blind approach to building a family. They can't answer all our questions, I couldn't fathom what questions there would be! Thanks for your reply.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:56 PM on Jul. 28, 2009

  • I have a hard time with these kind of questions because it's difficult for me when I look back to those months of my pregnancy and try to come to terms with what I was thinking.

    I say often that I don't know who that girl was during that time of my life. She was the change between the child I was and the adult I became.

    I can remember, being sixteen, feeling as if such a decision still wasn't exactly mine to make. That the adults around me knew better and had a better understanding as to what was best for me. I remember the start was just to get help on what my decisions were and trusting my school nurse, more than anyone, who handed me the brochure for the adoption agency that would help me make the best decision for myself and my child.

    I remember always knowing my mom would help me and yet being too afraid to ask her out right. I remember feeling as if I was just "going along" with what the . . .

    Answer by bellacocco at 12:47 AM on Jul. 29, 2009

  • . . . counselor at the adoption agency told me. I can remember being numb and not really ever understanding what was to come. I was pregnant. I had a child growing inside of me, but the reality of what was happening, of adoption, never hit in those months before birth.

    I can look back now and see those days as truly the last days of being a child because I really didn't question what the adults around me told me about what was best. I trusted them to know better than myself what I should or shouldn't do and never had the courage or strength to speak out or question what I was being told.

    I don't ever even remember outright saying I wanted adoption for my child (though it goes to figure I had to have said it at some time or another.) It just was what I was supposed to do. What my counselor told me was best because and I never questioned even though I should have, over and over again, until I knew . . .

    Answer by bellacocco at 12:53 AM on Jul. 29, 2009

  • . . . .for sure every side, every benefit, risk, pain, happiness, loss and gain that came along with it.

    It wasn't until I gave birth that reality finally hit but by then it was too late because even as I faced the reality that I wanted to keep and raise my son, my feelings then still fell into line of what others wanted from me and at that point it was my son's aparents and their desire to have a child of their own, the pain they would feel if I kept my son as I wanted to do.

    At that point, though I was no longer numb or silent, I still sat in the belief that I had to do what was expected because to do otherwise would forever harm my son's aparents who would be so terribly hurt if they were not given my son to raise as their own.


    Answer by bellacocco at 12:58 AM on Jul. 29, 2009

  • I thought I was going to keep my baby. Then at around 7 months , my mother came home and said she knew a friend , who knew some people who would take my baby. She said I could not keep it. I wanted the baby so much. She said she would not help me. I had nowhere to go, or so I thought.I never went to an agency.She made me meet these people at Denny's. All my friends had abandoned me. My family would not speak to me. I didn't know where i could go for help. The baby's father was gone. These people became my only friends.I felt like nothing. I was so scared. Where would I bring the baby home to? I had thought she was mine! it was almost time. i was panicked! I gave her to them. I didn't know what to do. No counselor. They were ready. They had their home checks done, their and my lawyer. I was caught up in a hurricane.Suddenly, it was time...I had her. They left , forever. 23 yrs ago. I never thought of adoption. NEVER!

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 1:34 AM on Jul. 29, 2009