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Husband has Asperger's. Help!

I recently realized that my husband has Asperger's. We've been married about a year, and have a 6 month old son. I began noticing strange behavior from the get-go such as a lack of intimacy (he doesn't see the point in kissing or hugging), his lack of social communication (he will only discuss certain topics) and just a complete disregard for my feelings. When my son was born, I had preclampsia and after the birth both of my eyes swelled shut. I asked him to stay the night with me in the hospital and he didn't want to saying "he didn't like hospitals" and "nurses would take care of me". He didn't understand the need for moral support. I've pretty much had it, and feel so alone in this marriage. I also worry about my son learning this behavior from him. (No offense to those with Asperger's children out there) Anyways, I don't know what to do. Help!

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Asked by beforeyoureyes at 1:39 AM on Jul. 30, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (21)
  • yikes, yeah thats definitely something you'd have to commit to.

    Answer by staciandababy at 1:40 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • You should take him to see a doctor for an evaluation. IF he does have Asperger's he must be pretty high functioning and social skills can be learned with coaching. Good luck.

    Answer by SusieD250 at 1:41 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • He's been to a therapist once who wanted to see him again but he didn't see the point of it. I almost feel like I'm going crazy. He also doesn't understand why our 6 month old cries, or won't go to sleep right away when it's bedtime. I do care about my husband, but it feels like I'm living with a teenager and my son, not my husband and our son.

    Answer by beforeyoureyes at 1:49 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Asperger's needs to be diagnosed by a doctor or therapist who specializes in this kind of disorder. Here is more info. on Asperger's.

    Asperger syndrome is one of the autism spectrum disorders, and is classified as a developmental disorder that affects how the brain processes information. People with Asperger syndrome can show a wide range of behaviours and social skills, but common characteristics include difficulty in forming friendships, communication problems (such as an inability to listen or a tendency to take whatever is said to them literally), and an inability to understand social rules and body language.

    There is no cure and no specific treatment. Asperger syndrome doesn't improve, although experience helps to build up coping skills. Social training, which teaches how to behave in different social situations, is generally more helpful than counselling.


    Answer by bookworm65 at 2:19 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Typical adult symptoms
    More males than females have Asperger syndrome. While every person who has the syndrome will experience different symptoms and severity of symptoms, some of the more common characteristics include:

    Average or above average intelligence
    Inability to think in abstract ways
    Difficulties in empathising with others
    Problems with understanding another person's point of view
    Hampered conversational ability
    Problems with controlling feelings such as anger, depression and anxiety
    Adherence to routines and schedules, and stress if expected routine is disrupted
    Inability to manage appropriate social conduct
    Specialised fields of interest or hobbies.
    The emotions of other people


    Answer by bookworm65 at 2:22 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Being a partner and parent

    Some affected people can maintain relationships and parent children, although there are challenges. Dutch research suggests that the divorce rate for people with Asperger syndrome is around 80 per cent.

    A common marital problem is unfair distribution of responsibilities. For example, the partner of a person with Asperger syndrome may be used to doing everything in the relationship when it is just the two of them. However, the partner may need practical and emotional support once children come along, which the person with Asperger syndrome is ill equipped to provide. When the partner expresses frustration or becomes upset that they're given no help of any kind, the person with Asperger syndrome is typically baffled. Tension in the relationship often makes their symptoms worse.


    Answer by bookworm65 at 2:24 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Common issues for partners
    An adult's diagnosis of Asperger syndrome often tends to follow their child's diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. This 'double whammy' can be extremely distressing to the partner who has to cope simultaneously with both diagnoses. Counselling, or joining a support group where they can talk with other people who face the same challenges, can be helpful. Some common issues for partners include:

    Feeling overly responsible for their partner.
    Failure to have their own needs met by the relationship.
    Lack of emotional support from family members and friends who don't fully understand or appreciate the extra strains placed on a relationship by Asperger syndrome.
    A sense of isolation, because the challenges of their relationship are different and not easily understood by others.
    Frustration, since problems in the relationship don't seem to improve despite great efforts.

    Answer by bookworm65 at 2:26 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • hmmm...that does sound difficult. I really can't tell you what to do as it is a decision only you can make. If you feel like you are not getting what you need from the relationship and he is not willing to give you what you need, then you need to find a solution. Whatever that may be for you.

    Answer by lowencope at 11:42 AM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • wow, you may have just opened my eyes about something I had no clue about. I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong in a specific relationship but this has helped me see that it may not be something I'm doing. I won't diagnose another person but the thought of a potential disorder takes a lot of pressure off of me. Thank you for asking this question. I can't help you but you sure have helped me.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:00 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • I don't know how to tell you do handle your situation, but I was in a similar situation. I'm not a dr, and my ex would never agree to do any testing, but I have a son with autism and a son with aspergers - I'm fairly certain my ex had aspergers as well after learning everything i have about autism spectrum disorder. We divorced due to a variety of problems.
    I would encourage you to get early developmental testing for your son, even if you don't think there's a problem, I would ask for it since your husband has aspergers just to be on the safe side. Early intervention is SO important for kids with special needs!

    Answer by missanc at 1:07 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

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