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Do you apologize to your daughter?

I have thought that this would make her a bit more humble since we have been doing it since childhood, but lately now that she's is 18 and going off to college it seems she has no humility whatsover..and is unable to apologize or admit her mistakes/poor choices. So while I am trying to continue with this virtue she is making me feel very vulnerable...any opinions?

 
pepperannrocks

Asked by pepperannrocks at 3:29 PM on Jul. 30, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (8 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • your end regardless of if she ever does the right thing. Make sure that you are the example. DONT take responsibility for something that is not yours or that you do not own. You cant make her feel remorse, humility or apologetic, but you can model the correct behavior. No matter if she ever comes around or not, you makesure that you can hold your head high knowing you did the right thing. Give your daughter time...shes only 18. Eighteen yr olds are quite selfish. Good luck.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 7:48 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I went through this "I know better than you, I'm an adult" phase too when I went through college and moved out. I mistakenly treated my mother this way. She would apologize to me and looking back I wish she hadn't. Now having children of my own, I know how my mother raised me and I can only hope to be the wonderful mom to my kids that my mom is.

    She is your daughter. If you see she is making mistakes then you can do one of 2 things...point it out to her to which she will ignore you most likely or let her do what she will do and be there when she comes to you with a broken heart.

    We all have to learn and more often than not that knowledge comes from mistakes. Wisdom comes from good judgement. Good judgement comes from making mistakes. Good Luck to you, I hope your daughter has the courage to listen to you and not make you feel bad about yourself.
    lilbit022009

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 3:34 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • This is the way kids are mom. I totally get what youre saying. Humility is not easy for anyone and I guess we want to know that if we are going to do it, that our children are going to be willing to do it too. Shes obviously afraid of being vulnerable to you or admitting wrong. I feel that way a bit with my mom simply because I dont feel my feelings are safe with her. She wouldnt understand that but thats how I feel. Usually, there comes a point where you stop being parent/child and become adult/adult and your role is more of a guide and not a master. Do your best to make this switch on your part. Dont treat her like your child, but like a friend. Shes not YOUR child anymore. She is your daughter, but you no longer have control to tell her what she can and cant do on an everyday basis. I think my mother still wants me to be a child that she can parent and I wont let her, so it causes problems. You need to do whats right on
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 7:45 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • lilbit and momsofsaee
    Thank you so much for your input! Very very profound and to the point. coming from a daughters point of view.. I love it!!! God Bless you Both..
    pepperannrocks

    Answer by pepperannrocks at 9:34 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I am quick to apologize when I've done something wrong. As children they appreciated it. As adults they now look at it as a weakness. That's their issue. I'm still all for apologies
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:49 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • You shouldn't have to apologize if you didn't wrong your child. My daughter is now in her early 20's and has the same problem, no humility. And God forbid she should ever have to say she's sorry for anything. I don't think I've heard it since before she went away to college.
    chocaholic888

    Answer by chocaholic888 at 6:52 AM on Aug. 1, 2009

  • Hey, I used to think that it's only my 18 year old son that is heartless....!!!
    He will never admit he's wrong to me or anyone else and as for an apology....not from him!
    it seem to the "IN THING" with teenagers today.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:06 PM on Aug. 1, 2009

  • Yep, I thought my 19 y/o was the only heartless, arrogant, know it all kid. Wait a minute, I was the same way! Most of them go through a stage of knowing more than us. Yes, we can only guide, they no longer take our commands. They cannot see they road they're on, and refuse to realize that we've already been there. Don't you dare apologize. You do what's right, and cry at night while they learn the truth for themselves. Most of them turn out really well, it just takes time. You'll be there when she / he figures it out and comes back to tell you how much they love you, even if they don't ever admit that you were right.
    peachqpti

    Answer by peachqpti at 9:07 PM on Aug. 1, 2009

  • I agree with peachqpti, if you really feel right about what you said then don't apologize. I go through this time and time again with my 19 year old daughter. She knows all and you can't tell her anything. Just last night I was talking to her and telling her what I feel is right for her. So she had the nerve to say to me,(we've had this conversation before) I guess she felt the need to prove something to her friend that was over our house. I cry many times to myself and wonder when will she get it and stop being so selfish. I know she has a heart but she is just being the 19 year old that she is. I always hope and believe she will come to me one day whether now or later and say mom I appreciate you and I know you were right about the things you said to me. Usually it happens when they are older and have kids of there own.
    awesome4

    Answer by awesome4 at 9:24 PM on Aug. 1, 2009

  • This is such a tough age - especially for girls. For some reason they think that by always being right in their own eyes this will prove their adulthood. Always continue to do the right thing by apologizing when it's needed, DON'T apologize when it isn't, and NEVER accept disrespect. If she's being disrespectful then you have a whole different (and often worse) situation to deal with. I have two girls; 21 and 22 - both in out of state college. The oldest has grown out of that phase and is more loving and now craves my advise (which I only give when asked). The younger currently doesn't believe she needs a mother. All I can do is wait patiently and pray - kind of like the father of the prodigal son.
    AnneMacchiatto

    Answer by AnneMacchiatto at 3:43 PM on Aug. 2, 2009

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