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If relinquishing a child is always considered the brave, courageous and selfless option, doesn't that imply that parenting is NOT the best option?

Even when people know nothing about a specific unplanned pregnancy situation, they tell a woman considering adoption that she is brave, courageous and selfless. Often moms relinquish because they are scared, and not feeling very brave. The brave, etc. labels do not fit for EVERY situation. So, why use them?

But, isn't it, as courageous, etc. (in some situations) to decide to raise your child despite difficult circumstances? I do not blame or judge moms who relinquish, I did so myself. However, I admire moms who have the courage to say no when they are pressured to relinquish.


Asked by Southernroots at 5:00 PM on Jul. 30, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
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Answers (27)
  • It is only considered brave and courageous by those who have most to gain or an agenda to push eg adoptive parents, agencies, persons with adopted relatives in their familes. It is not even a question of bravery. That doesn't even come into it and it is a manipulative thing to say to a woman who is facing an unplanned pregnancy and untold challenges.

    It has nothing to do with being self aware. There are many married persons out there who don't necessarily make a great parent yet they are allowed to adopt. What makes a prospective adopter a better choice than a child's own mother? Delusional people who somehow get in their head they are better than a child's own parent because they have money and those who profit from the sale of this poor infant and the breaking of a mother's heart.

    And yes, parenting one's child IS taking responsibilty for one's child.

    Answer by myst1998 at 11:08 AM on Aug. 3, 2009

  • My sister is 16 and pregnant. She's keeping her baby even though a lot of people are trying to push adoption on her. I'm very proud of her for taking responsibility.

    Answer by allans_girl at 5:03 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • i'm going anon on this BUT no, i don't think they are brave, take on your responsablity and raise the child THAT'S the brave thing to do

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:04 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • In the circumstances where relinquishing the child is genuinely the best scenario, it is brave and selfless to recognize that. When you are too dependent on drugs or alcohol, or you have no possible means of supporting a child, whether that is financially, or emotionally, or mentally. Those cases are the brave cases. I don't know a single person that ever relinquished that regretted it later. I actually know a woman that decided to keep her child, only to wish that she had relinquished him at birth. I am sure that it happens, where a woman feels pressured, I have just never seen it firsthand. Every situation is different and nobody else should ever try to assume they know the ins and outs of someone's situation. In some cases, I am sure it is best for the child to stay with the birthparents.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 5:05 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • What I consider "selfless" is when a woman truly believes that she won't be able to give that child what he needs and she chooses the needs of her child above her own wants as a parent Statistically, there probably aren't many BMoms out there that I would consider as selfless. I don't believe there's anything "brave" about not raising the child you birthed. I also don't believe anyone should look at keeping a child as "taking responsibility."

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:14 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • I think the brave part of the decision is recognizing that the child deserves better than what one is able to provide. If the mother has the means to raise the child, then absolutely she should. However, if she recognizes that the child would have a life that is far better, get more opportunities, and not be forced to make sacrifices too, making the decision to relinquish the child to those who can is a very brave decision.


    Answer by Busimommi at 5:16 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Sure, all situations have different and special circumstances.

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 5:24 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • "I don't know a single person that ever relinquished that regretted it later."

    Consider me the first one! If you want to meet more, check out nearly any birth mom group either here at Cafemom or anywhere else. Makes sense if a mom could not raise her child, she might not have as many regrets. However, many moms are pressured into "choosing" adoption and have lifelong regrets.


    Answer by Southernroots at 5:49 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • "My sister is 16 and pregnant. She's keeping her baby even though a lot of people are trying to push adoption on her. I'm very proud of her for taking responsibility."

    You made me smile! Thanks for that. I am proud of her too. She is lucky that you support her decision. Sometimes all it takes is one person to support a mom's decision to parent.

    Answer by Southernroots at 5:52 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • What a silly question. If everyone only talked about things that APPLY to every situation, no one would speak.

    It is brave to be so self aware that you realize that you cannot care for this child and you do not want the child to grow up in a bad situation. It is easy and commonplace to just parent and what ever happens happens and not to care about the child. It is brave to realize that you want more for yourself than to be a high school dropout or live below povery level etc. It is brave not to have aborted to begin with. Those who parent despite difficult situations are often simply Moms.... everyone has some adversity in their life, you dont get a trophy for living through it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:52 PM on Jul. 30, 2009