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Are adoption situations so unique to each person that we cannot hear the commonalities?

I over-reacted today to a post. I read into the wording that was used and took what was meant to be sarcastic as a serious jab at another member. For my mis-guided response I am sorry.

But it is also a good reminder that often we merge adoption situations all together and it starts to get muddled. Sometimes we take what is said and apply it to our situation (or what they think is another's) and if it doesn't fit - "it's on" .

Step-parent and Family adoption is different from traditional adoption
Infant adoption is different from foster adoption
Voluntary relinquishment is different from involuntary termination of parental rights
Domestic adoption is different from international adoption

On top of that, we are all individuals with differing unique experiences within these (and more) categories. The opportunities to not understand each other are vast, The topic is so personal, & risks each of us take are so great.


Asked by PortAngeles1969 at 8:42 PM on Jul. 30, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (6 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • I have befriended several birth moms because I feel that we do share something in common. The experience of adoption. I do feel their loss, but I can't take it away. They can understand my desire for a child, but they cannot fulfill it.

    I have AP/PAP friends because we share something in common, like the desire to begin/add to our family. I understand their journey, their impatience, their hope....I can't make it happen for them, but I can wait with them. I can say hang in there, have you tried....?

    I have adoptee friends who are my teachers, so that I can be the best parent that I can be. They tell me what's important, to be honest, to be kind.....& to the ones who have great aparents, I say, Yes! This is why I want to adopt! To MAKE a difference in the life of a child. & to the ones with bad aparents, I say, THIS is why I want to adopt! To make a DIFFERENCE in the life of a child!

    I think we can help each other!

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:22 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I am not the poster that you reacted to but I am glad you came back and said this because I really lost confidence in you today. There are very few bmoms on here that I have not seen show a truly negative side and you are one of them. I think that there is too much "us vs. them" mentality and I think that there are some that no matter what crazy statement their "side" says, they will blindly back it up, no matter how assine. That person was basically defending adoptees and you attacked her. She was telling lies by accusing adoptees of being the most dispicable type of monster and you, as an adoptee didnt even defend yourself let alone speak up for other adoptees.

    You have apologized so I dont mean to belabor the point and I am posting anon so I certainly have no right to criticize you for a statement when if I make a statement, you cant track it back to me. I just was saddened by that post and am glad it closed.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:22 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Thanks. I mis-read it in a terrible way (and that is completely my fault). I didn't take the time to understand that the person she was reacting too wasn't an adoptee. So when I read it with that assumption, I thought the poster was implying her husband should be worried that she (as an adoptee - which she wasn't) might kill him.

    I am human and can jump to conclusions with the best of them. I do try, however to apologize when I understand that I reacted before I had the full story.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 9:28 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • I never saw the original post but I wanted to thank you for stepping up and admitting you made a mistake. As adults that is so hard to do sometimes.

    I absolutely agree with your assessment on adoption. It is very personal and every situation is different. Even home studies are not the same from one to another. My sister adopted twin boys years ago..I had to adopt my is two totally different worlds.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 9:35 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • hugsI am relieved that it was a misunderstanding and you were the person who we know and respect around here.


    Answer by Anonymous at 9:35 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • I could blame it on the heat - LOL!!!

    I'm in Seattle where the temps have been in the triple digits for the last couple of days and I work out of my home which has no A/C. But....that would be a lie. I mis-read, assumed and fired off an "agree adoptee" response which wasn't warranted.

    I will say though, that the tone of some of the posts recently have got me worried. That we aren't focusing on issues that are adoption centered and instead have been creeping into areas like (birth control, government aid, etc.) which I think may be an issue for "some" adoption situations but certainly are not the majority. And these issues (birh control, etc.) are the kinds that people get riled up about when it's not adoption related, so to throw adoption in with the mix might cause more divides between us than might be necessary. But that's a whole 'nother thing (if you know what I mean).

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 10:37 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Woops I meant "angry adoptee" not "agree adoptee"

    See the typos can get you all twisted in your meaning too - LOL

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 10:38 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • Thanks AAK,

    I know that a lot of other anon posters have been "guessing" as to which posts are yours and which aren't. I think that because so many people know that this is a topic that is important to you (as it is to me) a lot has also perhaps been "assigned" to you that really isn't you - which isn't fair to you either.

    We aren't going to agree all the time - and that's okay. I'd much rather dialogue with a known poster - even if we disagree - because at least if there is common ground found at some point we both can recognize it. And maybe, just maybe there are areas that we can't agree on and yet areas that we are able to come together on. Not being able to identify those common areas because I don't know who I am agreeing with means a lost opportunity to BUILD relationships. And that's a sad thing to me.

    And if you post anon and aren't outright nasty then I assume there's a good reason for you to be doing so

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 11:06 PM on Jul. 30, 2009

  • I think that your post is very timely. This is something that I have been seeing for several weeks now. I do see commonalities in our situations, even though we come at our situations from several different angles. It seems that we have been categorizing feelings, or assigning blame, or condemning those who are just trying to understand. I, too was pretty upset a couple of days ago, because I just wanted my situation to be heard and be validated that MY situation counts! Sometimes, when people say, "Foster care isn't the same as infant adoption anyway" or "We all know how it is in foster care, that's different", what I HEAR is "Your adoption doesn't count as a REAL adoption, and this is the category for REAL adoptions, where REAL birth mothers relinquish babies who count (not yours, cause he's in foster care) to REAL adoptive parents who paid for their adoptions, not receiving state reimbursement...." and it makes me upset.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:54 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I also get upset when someone thinks that I can't understand a birth mother's pain when I have never relinquished a child, and that somehow if I were to try to support her or comfort her, that my words will fall by the wayside because I'm a PAP & couldn't POSSIBLY understand. There have been many times that a birth mother is hurting so bad, and I just want to console her and tell her it's going to be all right, because it's in my nature to want to comfort someone who is hurting, but it is taken that I am pushing an adoption agenda. So I wait for the birth moms to comfort each other, only to hear them say that it's a life sentence and that they'll never be the same. (Which to some degree is true, you are never the same, but where's the encouragement? Where's the, "You're gonna make it, honey, hang in there?" And if I do try to encourage her, then I don't know what I am talking about, I can't possibly understand. I am dismissed.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:07 AM on Jul. 31, 2009