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Why is there a need to bash birthmothers?

Recently there has been a need to tell birthmoms they are not brave, not selflless,they aren't responsible by surrendering their child.Is their a belief that birthmothers drop their children to not disturb their easy life?Why bash a birthmother?

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:58 AM on Jul. 31, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (43)
  • Wow, I didn't know BM's were being bashed. I think the opposite. I think they are brave, selfless and are being responsible. I'm sure that is the hardest thing to do. They are thinking about their children first. Better than aborting.


    Answer by Christine0813 at 11:02 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I've never seen anything like that. Could you link to a post so we can see it in contex?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:16 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • i know what you are sayn i think giving a child a better life then what you can give them isnt a bad thing at all. i recall alot of women bashing about the 16 n pg girl who gave her baby up and i all i could do was cry through the whole show i thought she was very brave.

    Answer by ggiovanni at 11:27 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I dont, I believe birth mothers who give their babies a better home are the bravest mothers around. Even if they want their "old life" back, it is STILL the hardest thing in the world to let go of their little one.

    HATS OFF to them!

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 11:29 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • Many (not all) birth mothers in hindsight have discovered that FOR THEM the decision to relinquish may not have been necessary.

    When this occurs, for these birth mothers it does not as if the decision to relinquish was brave, selfless or a responsible.

    Absolutely hands down (whether a birth mother later regrets her decision or not) relinquishing a child is the hardest thing to live with. Even the best possible post adoption relationship and reunion can not come close to substituting for having that child in your life the way you had hoped would be possible and wasn't.

    Birth moms who feel this way (and I am one of them) just want for others who are expectant and considering adoption to really have the opportunity to fully explore their options and have a good idea of what "might" be in store for them if they do make this decision.


    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 11:31 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • It is Birthmoms who are saying that about their own group.

    Birthmoms dont like when you tell other birthmoms that they are brave because they dont feel that they themselves were brave. The bmoms on here are mostly against adoption so they feel that you shouldnt tell a bmom she did the right thing because they dont feel that you are doing the right thing by making an adoption plan for a child.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:32 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • The reason we birth moms don't like to be told we were being selfless, brave and courageous is two part. Firstly, it's rarely true. Many of us were bullied into by our parents, the fathers parents, clergy, social workers etc. Many of us wish we'd been stronger and braver and refused to give up our children when we didn't really want to. We feel that if we'd been brave then we would have stuck up for our rights and demanded to keep our children.

    Secondly, because by telling a woman in crisis pregnancy that the brave and selfless thing to do is give her baby up to a better, wealthier, older couple is a tactic we know the adoption industry use to make her feel that raising her own baby is selfish so that they can make money from adopting out her baby.


    Answer by onethentwins at 11:35 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I will admit that sometimes perhaps my fear for others regreting their decisions may come across as either self-loathing or condemnation against my sister birth moms who might be feeling differently about their decisions.

    This is the fine line we all walk when we are committed that others do not unnecessarily fall into the same pain.

    While the numbers of birth moms active here seem to heavily fall into the "regret" group there are birth moms here who do not regret their decisions and I hope that they know that I would never want to take that away from them. I wish that more of us felt this way about the decisions we made.

    Most birth moms understand that there are situations when adoption is exactly the right option - we are hopeful that when it is necessary and well thought out that birth moms and adoptees will experience better outcomes than a lot of us did.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 11:41 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I am the O.P. and some of those posts are not in the thought out way that PortAngeles or Anom11:32 descrbes.I am a birthmom and not for most adoptions but there is a difference between the idea of bravery and selflessness because you realize you are not worthy of your child.;don't you want your child to have "things'.Then there is the bravery and selflessness of a birthmother that believes at the time ,due to a lack of any support , her child will be better off with others.To this idea there has been a question saying she would rather pay for birthcontrol than have her taxes help out a birthmother so she can keep her child.It has been a sad morning I had ben on vac. so I spent time reading all this weeks questions.It has been a harsh week.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:56 AM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • OP, I completely agree with you and coming back from vacation and reading the current tone here must have been a real downer. I can understand what prompted you to post this question and wish that I had done that instead of getting all out of sorts and contributing to the angst which I did in one question that is now closed.

    I'm hopeful that there is a new tone in the air and I hope you haven't completely lost your "vacation feeling"

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 12:09 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

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