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Im going to rip my daughter's dead beat father a new asshole.. but should I?

I have a 9 yrd old daughter. I gave birth to her when I was 16. Her father and I brokek up when she was 1 yr old & he's been in & out of her life since that time. To date, has n't seen her in 2 yrs. Mostly because i've kept her shielded from him for the following reasons: he's not consistentely there for her. He's unstable, lives w/other people at different times. He doesnt pay child support, theres an order but he refuses to give me anything to help w/her. Hes just an all-around low life basically. But my daughter still loves him & misses him. My daughter is in counseling for this b/c i know she has issues with her dad not being around. The counselor seems to think it will be good for her to see him. But he lies constantly & gives her broken promises. What do I do? Either way she's going to be hurt. Shes hurt by his absense right now & i know he'll hurt her by lying to her if i let him back in the picture. (Cont. below)

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Asked by Lextacy at 2:17 PM on Jul. 31, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • The counselor suggested that I need to get past my own resentment/anger towards him & allow her to see him. She thinks that me not alowing her to see him will really hurt me in the end b/c she will possibly blame me for not having her dad in her life. Instead, she says i should let her see for herself the kind of father he really is. The bottom line is that she believes it is in my daughters best interest to make her available her father, of course, with supervised visits where my mom or somebody else will be there while they spend time together. Im so unsure about what to do. I was thinking of writing him a letter & letting out all the anger, hate, resentment I have for him & explain to him that im no longer going to keep her from because i dont want her to end up resenting me for putting a wall between them. The letter will not be anything pretty in the least because I have so much i need to get off my chest. ADVICE PLEASE!

    Answer by Lextacy at 2:22 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • Why don't you write the letter and not give it to him? Why add more tension? You both are to blame here. Him for not being consistent and you for keeping her away. You need to just let it go and think of your daughter.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:29 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I would set up supervised visitation. Even though he may have or still be a jerk you are not allowed to stop him from seeing her because he isn't paying child support. Those are 2 different issues. Yes, she will eventually be mad at you more so if you are talking bad about him in front of her.


    Answer by Anonymous at 2:30 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • dd will grow up thinking dad stayed away bc you made him stay away so she'll blame you. Let her see for herself what he's like. Yes she will be hurt but she needs to see it so she won't grow up hating both of you. (been there done that). Call Child Support Enforcement and get that child support taken care of. He pays or he goes to jail and even worse, they take his income tax, garnishee his wages and take his driver's license. THAT last one gets their attention.

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:31 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • You need to let her see her dad. My mom did this to me and didnt let me see my dad and i hated her for that. I always wanted my dad to be apart of my life even thought he hurt me sometimes. But i still loved him. I started to learn not to take the promise and it would be a suprise for me if he did go through with it. Now that i am older i am much closer to my dad than my mom. And i honestly think its because of my mom keeping me away from him for so long.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:52 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I know their relationship has nothing to do with me. Thats understood. However the counselor told me I needed to get rid of all the anger I have for him. So the idea of putting it all down on paper & giving it to him makes sense. My anger has absolutely everything to do with the fact that he chose to make me a single mother by never being there for her. He has never once bought her school clothes, taken her to the doctor, helped her with her homework or anything remotely close to what a father would do for their child. It's almost like they are strangers. Thats why I am so angry at him. I had her when i was 16 & i had to grow up quick fast & in a hurry but his life never changed. Thats why I hate him.

    Answer by Lextacy at 3:10 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I'd be up at night thinking about what I'd say to my ex! You need a diary or go to counseling just to vent, learn to put it behind u. she needs to see his true colors,she will let him know herself when he does her wrong. My dd did it at age 4 b/c I let him see her and he'd flake out. He had to tell her on the phone, not she chewed him out herself...I got to listen which made me happy. And she dealt w/anger when he was a no show or canceled. Hopefully he gets the point and gets a home of his own and sees her more. we can't control how much he cancels, or what he feeds her for lunch. just know that he'll only visit & accept that all else is on your shoulders.

    Answer by Momchipomkids at 5:15 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I know EXACTLY what you mean and a councilor told me the same thing. So I wrote a letter tellin him that she needed a father and he needed to see her (it took his mother and my threating ordered visits to actually get him to see her (every other weekend was apparently crampin his style))..after the last visit I put an absolute stop to her visiting (she's 14)..she got hurt and he refuse to take her to the hospital, blaming me cause I didnt give him my ins. card for her..and then she called me several hours after the injury to say SHE thought she needed to goto the hosp and could I take her. He has refused to pay a dime since she was born (ordered to pay $50 a month) has actually been put in jail for non paymt and his mommy bailed him out. if your gut says no then listen..your her mom and if you dont want her to see her loser dead beat sperm donor then she dont see him plain and simple.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:51 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

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