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What do you tell your adopted child...

What do you tell your adopted child if they are the result of a one night stand and there is no information at all about their father?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:34 PM on Jul. 31, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (11)
  • They were an unexpected blessing. Their birth mother did not know who the father was and felt in the best interest of the baby to give it to the most loving family she could find.
    lilbit022009

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 5:41 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • That you do not have any information about their father. I do not recommend telling a child that the birth mother did not know who the father was, unless you know for a fact that is true. Even then, I question whether you should say that. Even if it was a one-night stand, a woman might know who the father was.

    Always tell an adopted child the truth in the best possible way. Keep it simple and age appropriate. Give basic information and let the child ask questions. NEVER make anything up even if it is something positive.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 5:52 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • I assume the same thing that you would share with a non-adopted child who was born under these situations. That you do not know who their birth father is - simplicity and truthfulness really are the best. The situations that are behind the relinquishment of this child may not have had a thing to do with the fact that a one-night stand was how they were conceived. And, even if that is the case the person who should be sharing that information is the most likely person to "know" who that father is - the biological mother.

    I understand the desire to share things about an adoptees pre-placement story. My own mother (adoptive) wished that she had more to share with me. Her urge to fill in the blanks and make me feel loved led her to tell me nice things that may or may not be true. I'm searching now and I've heard adoptees who found the opposite of what they were told (both good and bad) and that it was even harder on them.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 9:39 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • We plan on telling our second what we know, which is nothing. Well, possibly a name that was given, but that's all that is known. When he is old enough, he will have access to his CPS records where BM talks a little bit about him. And I do mean little.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 PM on Jul. 31, 2009

  • Learn from example, guide them with honesty, love, and compassion. Only tell them the truths(age appropriate of course), and if it is something you do not have 'FIRST-HAND' KNOWLEDGE, do NOT tell them, especially if it will cause them to feel badly of themselves! No child should ever be told things that are not indeed 100% fact, and never if in the end it will cause confusion, angst, anger, and mistrust. Remember, you were not in their "firstmoms' shoes, and really do NOT know the truths, especially when it comes to their history, and their fathers history!! Blessings, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:29 AM on Aug. 1, 2009

  • "When in doubt, tell the truth, and use "I" statements" - Marlou Russell Phd. http://www.marlourussellphd.com/ 

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 11:52 AM on Aug. 1, 2009

  • Ah yes, thanks OTT for posting that. I always think of Marlou's sage advice when this question pops up.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:10 PM on Aug. 1, 2009

  • Iagree with libit22009.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:49 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • yes I agree with libit022009 and with onethentwins' their both going on the right tract. for you.So in other words tell them the truth. and end it sweetly like libit022009 did.so the child feels a little better. and not as bad. and that way the child will be happy where he/she is at. good luck.
    incarnita

    Answer by incarnita at 8:58 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • We have no information on my son's birth father and his birthmother did not provide us with any details. She told the court, the social worker, and the attorney....but we never discussed it. I tell my son the truth. We just don't know and you have to ask your birthmother. Or at least that is what I will tell him when the time comes. Right now we have limited contact, her choice not ours. But when he is ready I know exactly how to find her. I did tell her that I would never guess....that I will direct him to her when he has a question. My hope is that she will contact us and want to be there for him to fulfill his history and personal story. Be there in a healthy way of course. I can't control that but I can tell anyone who asks: please don't make things up or try to soften it. Be factual, "I don't know. What would you think or want him to be like?" I will turn it around.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:58 PM on Aug. 4, 2009

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